hurt so bad ****trigger****

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by sadcat, Jul 30, 2012.

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  1. sadcat

    sadcat Well-Known Member

    Got my cancer meds.
    now I am suicidal again.
    hurt so bad.
    afraid to tell anyone
    last time I did they lowered my meds a lot
    finally convinced them to raise them again.
    have been so sick now for 3 weeks
    can't hang on much longer

    got a shot of cortisone today too
    making me feel much worse.
    needed it for the pain.

    used to bang my head against concrete floors and walls
    can't handle this much longer
    banging knocks me out
    at least then the pain stops

    no one seems to care
    no one is listening
    no one is helping

    it's the same as when i was a kid
    no one helped me
    only the pain
    only the quiet
    only the pain
    no one cared

    how can this be
    how can anyone allow it to be
    where is God
    where are the people who care

    they all died in the concentration camps
    with anyone else who was decent
    now only the evil remain
    no one else left now
    so not they kill their own
  2. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    hello sadcat-

    Is this an accurate description of you right now or a poem of thoughts and feelings?
  3. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    :( :hug:
  4. sadcat

    sadcat Well-Known Member

    not a poem

    its where i am now

    i hurt so bad
  5. Samara

    Samara Account Closed

    I am going to trust you, to use the cancer medication properly. I am going to ask you to promise to yourself, and keep this promise, that you will use it to make yourself physically as healthy as you can again. After going through the tough process of convincing people you can be trusted again with such a drug, and expressing the hurt behind that process here on this forum, you do owe it to yourself to keep your record this time, with the medications clean, and purposeful. Purposeful, of course, meaning to allow it to do it's proper, and intended job.

    If you are hurting from others' mistrust right now, if you are doubtful about life... if you are unsure about mankind and other humans, and other things that you are asked to be involved with by living... then leave those things aside. What I mean by that, is the outside influences for now, are hurting you; but give yourself some strength and separate who is hurting you, from the "YOU" that is hurting you now.

    The hurt you, right now, is saying that you should punish yourself, and harm yourself some more. The hurt you is saying that's the only good you have. Other people are disappointed in you, and they think lower of you etc... but, the last person who needs to be saying that, is you... to yourself right now.

    You went through a process to get the medication that can keep you alive. Somewhere inside you, is a will to have things better, a will to survive, a will to be fine and good again... a will to be content etc... Remind yourself that you deserve that will, and you have most certainly earned it with the fight to get there that you mentioned above.

    I know you are really reaching out to others right now, and I hope you see I am reaching back, but I am asking you to consider that you, are there for yourself. You know yourself best... you are trying, so deeply to comfort yourself. I can see it, and I am proud of you for taking those steps to try and live, and try and continue.

    You know deep down that you are worthwhile, and have things to offer people. It doesn't seem like it many times, when you are down on yourself, or when people disappoint you; but it's definitely true. I hope that you can find a way to just pull up for a little longer. I know you deserve it. I hope you can feel that way too, even if it's just for a little bit, finding the courage and strength even for a little bit, is hopeful.

    You're digging so far into the future, and falling so far into the past at the same time, that things seem so bleak, and feel so hopeless. Today you admitted you might be given a chance to get something you need. Live in that victory right now. It's amazing. You did it. You pulled it off. Use what you earned, to help the future become more like today in that sense. Hold on, for that reason, hold on for you....and for these moments, where you finally are trusted again, or finally can have things go your way etc...
  6. sadcat

    sadcat Well-Known Member

    The cancer meds are also a shot , given by the doctor.
    And I also got a shot of cortisone from another doctor.
    Am a little better this morning. BUt this is an ups an d sown thing.
    Yesterday I was very bad. TOday - not so bad. Tomorrow may be the worst.
    Don't know what to do right now.
  7. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Glad you are a little better today. Yes, it's an up and down thing. Enjoy any time that is ok and then hold onto how that feels when the downs hit. The downs are not permanent, sweetie. They will fade away. It's not easy, and I'm not trying to make it seem as though it is. But it's "easier" if we remember that this is not the way things will always be.

    Thinking of you and hoping your day is all right. Be safe and feel better soon. :hug:
  8. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    well anytime you feel bad and just wanna talk just pm me i am only a pm away.
  9. Samara

    Samara Account Closed

    I'm not sure what all you have going on in your life, nor what all is going against or for you right now either... but do you have something else that you can seek solace in, while you are taking your medications? I can imagine how the therapy makes you feel very sick, drains you down etc... it is, therefore, very important to develop or find something that can be your alternative to the treatment. That way every single moment of every single day is not just about the cancer, and the treatment, and the drugs etc....

    You might find solace in a friend or partner, or a pet... it might be something that you do (an activity)... I am not sure what speaks to you right now. It could be art expression, or poetry, or writing, or chatting on this forum.

    But it sounds like you really need something healthy and something more worth while to cling onto. While the treatment is worth while, obviously it won't be able to immediately make you feel super fantastically great. Could you try opening up here more on the forum, or to a friend, or maybe a professional? It might help you to dump off some other emotional triggers and bothers, so that you aren't facing so much at once, alone.

    Or if there is something in your mind that you could use, let us know, if it's something that someone here on the forum could give, you might just be able to find it.

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