Hurtful comments from parents

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by YellowTulips, Jul 27, 2016.

  1. YellowTulips

    YellowTulips Member

    I just really need to get this out, I hope it's ok.


    My mum has never really treated me the same as my siblings, when I was a child. I was always conscious of it.
    She would always go on how ''you girls are a nightmare, and the boys are fine''
    over and over. She would outwardly love the boys and treat them well and me, not at all I was hated and it was clear.

    anyway, fast forwarding. I'm an adult now but ever since I was 7ish I've always been so conscious of the fact that (this) happened to me... and (that) and (long story) but let's just say I was taken and put in a home. I returned and tried to re-build relationship with my mum and have been trying ever since

    I recall years back, asking her about bonding when I was a baby (as now I understand how important it is, that crucial time can mean the foundation for normal bonding and such)

    I asked her out right... did you bond with me when I was a baby?
    (I was prem and in hospital long time, she had no skin skin contact with me and barely could hold or visit, I was mothered by nurses for months)

    She admitted she didn't bond with me at all. In her words ''No I didn't... not at all, I didn't bond whatsoever''

    So I thought ah-ha. Maybe that's why.
    I asked ... was I planned?.. she said ''no, you just happened. we weren't planning''
    And I even went so far to ask if she wanted a girl. She admitted that she was hoping for a boy but its ok as she had two later, anyway

    (I was quite depressed and just curious as you can probably see from my questions to my mum, but was just trying to make sense of everything.. I needed answers, to understand why I felt she hated me so much.... to lay all my stuff to rest in my brain , you know)

    Recently we were arguing.. something so silly I can't remember what it was. I think it was to do with me asking her not to spray air freshner around me as it makes me feel ill. It escalated into an argument in which she became super defensive for no reason and said to me ''I f----- hate you'' I said automatically and calmly. ''I know'' and she said something along the lines of ''I always have, .. and I always will''

    That hurt badly.. so so badly .. I said to her look..I don't forget all these things which are said to me. Not one. I remember the last you said to me.. and all I can remember is you saying all this to me of how you hate me, how I wasn't good enough, etc. She isn't worried about it at all. But honestly? i'm heartbroken.

    Yesterday was an anniversary (passed loved one). I lit a candle and she came in and asked me sarcastically ''what are you doing, a séance?'' ... she knew why I lit that candle. She's coming out with hurtful things and I honestly can't take it ... she seems to think I have no feelings... :(

    I have enough and your own mother telling you she hates you or coming out with insulting comments is just adding to the huge load i'm trying to take off my own shoulders. I've not healed from half the stuff in the past and I just feel like people are adding onto it even more. I'm not invincible. I'm lost and hurt.

    She said something (again, I can't remember what exactly) but I said to her if she hated me so much, she shouldn't have had me in the first place. That's the only time she went silent and stopped throwing it all at me. But I have no idea why.

    Anyone reading this would think I've done something terrible, or when I say i'm a great daughter to her would think I have a huge ego. But I am. I do all I can and i'm completely fair ... I never initiate trouble. I just don't know how to deal with it. I can sometimes feel myself becoming more fragile and that's when I know I need to be careful of outside influences. Anything from who I see.. to music I listen to. But we are fine and then something pathetic happens and I have these things said to me..

    Any ideas? :(

    I don't know. I'm just so hurt. My inner child who is barely healed is hurting a lot. I can no longer just shrug it off... she also said last time ''that's why none of the family bother with you''.... thanks mum. It's not as if I already noticed the whole family's absence either.

    Thanks for reading.
     
  2. SinisterKid

    SinisterKid Safety & Support SF Supporter

    My mothers choice of men has not been great. She split from my father when I was about 18 months old and the man she then married was abusive to her and us kids. By 11 I had had enough and left home. I went to live with my dad, big mistake. I ended up in foster care. All the time, I kept my relationship with my mother going.

    Into my adult life and still I kept things going with my mother. I visited, I phoned her, she phoned me, the usual. Then my step father started with the abuse again. I told her to get out and that I would do anything to help that happen. She chose to stay put. I could not visit her [I would have killed the bastard she was with] and the phone calls got worse and worse to the point of they were making me cry, I was angry, I was upset, frustrated and it was affecting my relationship with my partner. So I came to the conclusion that because our relationship had become so destructive, I severed all ties with her and she is out of my life.

    She was a bitch a lot of the time to my partner, which at the time I dismissed. But when my partner pointed it all out to me in one long talk, I could see how she had tried to undermine our relationship from the word go. I will never forgive her for that. She spends more money on her other grandkids at birthdays and Christmas than she ever did on my son. She now has a great-granddaughter she will never meet.

    She is still with my step father. I have no idea whether the abuse continues or not and I dont want to know. But getting her out of my life completely was one of the best things I ever did. She is poison. The stories from my brother and sister down the years just confirm that.

    So maybe that is your route to a better life for you. It was very hard for me to do what I did, but no regrets and me and my partner are much happier without her influence.
     
  3. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

    Just wanted to let you know you're not alone. In a nutshell quite a good number of us have had a crappy upbringing and horrible parents that spawned us however we are resilent as kids and survive into adulthood. Some of us move out far far far away from the center of hell away from their reach some of us try to forgive and forget and move on and so many different decisions to make. I just know we cant choose blood

    However we ca
     
  4. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

    Posted without finishing. We can choose our own families to build with friends and partners and move on and heal from it.
     
  5. moxman

    moxman Well-Known Member

    Hi I am Mox

    I too came from a very abusive home and I cut my mother out of my life for a very long time. I only recently let her back in, but I had to have a lot of therapy first before I was ready to do that. I hate that you are going through all this pain your mom has caused you, it has bound to hurt you more than you let on. I take it you are a young person and not able to get a place of your own yet. You have to realize that this is who your mom is and adjust your expectations of her. I feel like you want/need her to be a good mom and to love you and cherish you like all children want. But sometimes we don't get what we want/need. If I was you I would be looking to limit my contact with her as much as possible. It seems all she is going to do is to hurt you.

    Are you seeing a therapist or is that a possibility for your situation? I feel like you seeing one would be immensely helpful. I also feel like keeping a journal to express how you feel would be a good idea, do not keep all these feelings locked up inside you , they turn to a very potent poison over time. Get them out onto a piece of paper and it will help you feel better.

    You never mentioned your dad, is he around and if so how are things with him? Are you and your siblings close?

    If it helps my story is listed on the My Story forum, I just want to die so you can get a sense of what I have been through and know you are not a lone in how you feel sad and depressed

    Take Care of Yourself , you have a long road ahead of you . Never forget we are here to help you