I just really need to get this out, I hope it's ok. My mum has never really treated me the same as my siblings, when I was a child. I was always conscious of it. She would always go on how ''you girls are a nightmare, and the boys are fine'' over and over. She would outwardly love the boys and treat them well and me, not at all I was hated and it was clear. anyway, fast forwarding. I'm an adult now but ever since I was 7ish I've always been so conscious of the fact that (this) happened to me... and (that) and (long story) but let's just say I was taken and put in a home. I returned and tried to re-build relationship with my mum and have been trying ever since I recall years back, asking her about bonding when I was a baby (as now I understand how important it is, that crucial time can mean the foundation for normal bonding and such) I asked her out right... did you bond with me when I was a baby? (I was prem and in hospital long time, she had no skin skin contact with me and barely could hold or visit, I was mothered by nurses for months) She admitted she didn't bond with me at all. In her words ''No I didn't... not at all, I didn't bond whatsoever'' So I thought ah-ha. Maybe that's why. I asked ... was I planned?.. she said ''no, you just happened. we weren't planning'' And I even went so far to ask if she wanted a girl. She admitted that she was hoping for a boy but its ok as she had two later, anyway (I was quite depressed and just curious as you can probably see from my questions to my mum, but was just trying to make sense of everything.. I needed answers, to understand why I felt she hated me so much.... to lay all my stuff to rest in my brain , you know) Recently we were arguing.. something so silly I can't remember what it was. I think it was to do with me asking her not to spray air freshner around me as it makes me feel ill. It escalated into an argument in which she became super defensive for no reason and said to me ''I f----- hate you'' I said automatically and calmly. ''I know'' and she said something along the lines of ''I always have, .. and I always will'' That hurt badly.. so so badly .. I said to her look..I don't forget all these things which are said to me. Not one. I remember the last you said to me.. and all I can remember is you saying all this to me of how you hate me, how I wasn't good enough, etc. She isn't worried about it at all. But honestly? i'm heartbroken. Yesterday was an anniversary (passed loved one). I lit a candle and she came in and asked me sarcastically ''what are you doing, a séance?'' ... she knew why I lit that candle. She's coming out with hurtful things and I honestly can't take it ... she seems to think I have no feelings... I have enough and your own mother telling you she hates you or coming out with insulting comments is just adding to the huge load i'm trying to take off my own shoulders. I've not healed from half the stuff in the past and I just feel like people are adding onto it even more. I'm not invincible. I'm lost and hurt. She said something (again, I can't remember what exactly) but I said to her if she hated me so much, she shouldn't have had me in the first place. That's the only time she went silent and stopped throwing it all at me. But I have no idea why. Anyone reading this would think I've done something terrible, or when I say i'm a great daughter to her would think I have a huge ego. But I am. I do all I can and i'm completely fair ... I never initiate trouble. I just don't know how to deal with it. I can sometimes feel myself becoming more fragile and that's when I know I need to be careful of outside influences. Anything from who I see.. to music I listen to. But we are fine and then something pathetic happens and I have these things said to me.. Any ideas? I don't know. I'm just so hurt. My inner child who is barely healed is hurting a lot. I can no longer just shrug it off... she also said last time ''that's why none of the family bother with you''.... thanks mum. It's not as if I already noticed the whole family's absence either. Thanks for reading.