**Hurting So Badly**

Discussion in 'Let it all out...' started by Marshmallow, Dec 16, 2006.

  1. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    Why does this hurt so badly, I was fine a minute ago and then i came on here and saw a post from someone i care about now im sitting here in tears because i can't do anything about it.

    Things aren't what they were, everythings changed and i don't like it, We may not be upsetting each other so much but its so different and i really don't like the way it feels. Just like the situation before. Hurting because the was she treated me and this situation is so similar and i dunno if i can take hurting like this anymore.

    Maybe i take too many things to heart, but i can't help caring for someone and being worried about them. What they might do. Worried every part of the day wondering if their allright, wondering if their gonna snap. It hurts so bad that i hurt myself to try take my mind off it.

    Burning, cutting, punching things until my hand physically hurts that i can't take it anymore. Even head banging, yeah i JUST started hitting my head off the wall to try stop me feeling like this, all i got was a headache and im still in tears. I mean whats it gonna take to stop feeling like this? As this particular moment i can see ONE way out.

    If i talk about that one way out i just upset people, upset people on here who i truely care for. Even this guy i like. He says he worries about me but i dunno, apart of me feels he only sas he likes me to try get one thing. I've been hurt by the main 'men' in my life and im finding it hard to trust this guy or any other guy for a matter of fact. When im down and start talking about things, he says 'please don't hurt me in that way' and 'you can't hurt me like that, i care for you' How do i know if thats true.

    It feels like im living for other people, i feel dead inside, most of the day i walk around in a daze, trying to sort my head out, but no matter how hard i try it never seems to get sorted out.

    Well one thing i did accept but got hurt by someone over that but whatever, thats over and done. It takes me a LONG time to accept i have feelings for someone and actually like them because im in constant fear of being hurt by everyone around me. Yeah i have really like people in the past but nothing ever happened, but this felt different, i felt differently but then got hurt, pretty bad to be honest, but thats over and done, they managed t forget any feelings they had for me, guess i'll have to shut up and do the same.

    Now i gotta try accept that i really do like this guy, but im scared of getting hurt like i did recently. I mean that hurt alot and i can't feel like that. I did some stupid things because i was hurting and i can't afford to do that again to myself, i can't risk my health anymore. I can't afford to get addicted to the paracetamol.

    And another thing, people telling me i need to stop burning, cutting or overdosing. Pretty funny considering they do part of what i do. Well actually self harm the same way i do. Wish they could see that they should be able to stop aswell as telling other people they need to stop aswell. They no nothing about what i went thru with the paracetamol before i met them on here. Not a clue and im not willing to go thru it. It became an addiction for me, i depended on it to stop me feeling so low, and if anyone knows about getting addicted to things then it should be you, especially the way you've been recently. But thats what you do ain't it, try fix others problems, give advice, but they have the similar problems with you, but you won't take your own advice. You think you deserve it when you don't.

    Think drinking or being on drugs is gonna help, just remember i've seen drugs destroy my family and you know that, you know about how my cousin died,and how my brother got into drugs and how my 14 year old cousin got into drugs. I've been there, i've watched someone be destroyed by drugs and im not willing to watch that happen again, i just can't. You know how strongly i am against drugs, and i hate seeing anyone on drugs especially someone i care about. You think it might help you now, what happens when your drunk? you flip out and snap and do things same goes for being on drugs. Is that helping is it? you need proper help but you won't go get it and that hurts so bad. Yeah its scary but you can do it, i know what its like to be scared of getting help, i've been there, if i can do it so can you. Your stronger than me. Remember that.

    I'll shut the hell up now.
     
  2. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Viks, I aint a lot of use at the moment...massive crying jag that has reached day 12..sigh. But I am still around and there aint anything you can't tell me about hurting, I hurt so bad it's a physical pain...OH SHIT here I go aagain..sigh :sad:
     
  3. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    Hun you've been more help to me than you could ever imagine, especially with all the crap with my overdosing, you stuck by me and i'll never forget that, ever.

    I can't explain it really, it takes me a long to admit to myself that i like someone in more than a friendship way, but recently when i did admit that to myself and got my heart shattered, but know know im starting to admit that i like this guy (webcam guy) alot, but im scared to admit it to myself because of how i got hurt recently. I don't wanna hurt like that again because it felt horrible, feels like someone is stomping on your heart not giving a toss about how you feel but i'll have to get over that right.

    I really like him but as you know from what i told you about what he asked me, seems hes after one thing but if i ask him that he says no and he likes me and cares for me alot. I dunno im confused. Was talking about it with a mate and she said she didn't want me to meet him at all because apparently i don't know him that well.

    And then a relationship on here is really hurting, hurting so bad its a phsyical pain in my chest. I don't even know how to talk to them anymore or if they want me to talk to them AT ALL, i just dunno. I hate the way things change between people, second time this has happened to me with someone i relaly care about and i hate it.

    :sad:
     
  4. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    Sorry thought i'd add to this because im feeling pretty low right now.

    Why the hell do i do this to myself! seriously i don't get it, do i wanna get better? if i do then why do i keep doing this to myself, hurting myself, stressing myself out, allowing myself to get hurt over and over again. I know i can't the hurt anymore but i just take it because thats the way i am.

    Im a punchbag for everyone else, anyone else wanna take a swing at me?

    Constantly taking sh*t off everyone but i won't do anything, get treated like shit but still forgive even tho i know i'll get hurt. I'm allowing myself to get hurt. Why!?!?

    Maybe thats why i feel i need to be punsihed, self harm to punish myself for doing that. Letting people treat me like sh*t, let them walk all over me.

    Had that done all my life by my brother. Get it from other people aswell, maybe theres something about me that deserves to be treated that why, which gives people the right to treat me that way. I deserve it.

    So anyone here feel like treating me like sh*t go aheadm your be doing me a favor, making me feel lower than i allready feel. Kick me while im down.

    So whos next to take a swing at me!?!?! come one you might be the lucky person to push me over the f*cking edge!!!