I am sinking slowly into what I suspect will be a crisis. I drink to decompress but I end up throwing self-control to the wind, and I usually black out. While drunk, I said some really fucked up shit my friend and coworker, and I can't look at him now without feeling guilt. I can't have a conversation with my family without bringing up what my father did to me. I can't trust any prospective romantic partner enough to let them in. I can talk and talk and talk about what's wrong with whatever, but I can't admit how low I am to single soul. I don't want to put that on them. People have their own needs. I'm not close enough to a single person in this world to tell the deepest secrets of my soul, so I'll stick with talking to perfect strangers and see where that gets me. I love these people and I'm too afraid to let them know. Afraid they don't feel the same way. And now, I tell myself in my head that they don't care for me. They have bigger priorities. People serve themselves. Every ideal and bit of logic serves them in some way, and if I'm ever against that, I just don't know if they'll choose me. So I walk on eggshells, and when I slip, I know I'm causing more harm than good in the world.