Hurting the ones you love

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by HallaBoaz, Jun 20, 2014.

  1. HallaBoaz

    HallaBoaz New Member

    I am sinking slowly into what I suspect will be a crisis. I drink to decompress but I end up throwing self-control to the wind, and I usually black out. While drunk, I said some really fucked up shit my friend and coworker, and I can't look at him now without feeling guilt. I can't have a conversation with my family without bringing up what my father did to me. I can't trust any prospective romantic partner enough to let them in. I can talk and talk and talk about what's wrong with whatever, but I can't admit how low I am to single soul. I don't want to put that on them. People have their own needs. I'm not close enough to a single person in this world to tell the deepest secrets of my soul, so I'll stick with talking to perfect strangers and see where that gets me.

    I love these people and I'm too afraid to let them know. Afraid they don't feel the same way. And now, I tell myself in my head that they don't care for me. They have bigger priorities. People serve themselves. Every ideal and bit of logic serves them in some way, and if I'm ever against that, I just don't know if they'll choose me. So I walk on eggshells, and when I slip, I know I'm causing more harm than good in the world.
  2. Perfect Melancholy

    Perfect Melancholy SF Friend

    I know how you feel, little consolation I realise, I cannot bring myself to reach out to people I am getting better at it sort of, but yes when you lash out and say some thing you don't really mean that is born if frustration it is almost a cry for help, saying to that person I am having a go because I am hurting I am in need, I need you to understand that without me saying it to you.

    Sadly, of course it never works and the frustration grows and continues, you say you are too afraid to let people know how you feel? Fear of rejection or failure? Or low self esteem?

    What I did to help with these emotions is I decided I wouldn't rely on those close to me for help not yet I know if I could make sense if why I was like hat I could talk to them and perhaps hey could understand if only I explained, but I had to approach the doctors first, those trained to help and understand without the emotional attachment, saying this though if you can reach out please do I just know how hard it is when you are like this. I talked through with the doctors some if those issues, and even had some therapies (CBT) which can be tough but also helped me understand how I reacted to things. Hen I felt confident enough even if I went off the handle to explain to those why I did.

    Please feel free to pm me if you need a vent, and please look after yourself.

    Take care

  3. Avoided

    Avoided New Member

    I too just hurt someone I love with my words. Reading your post helped me to realize that I wanted her to understand how much I was hurting, and instead, I lashed out at her.