Hurting the people around me too much

I've never really felt like I fit in...probably a common theme around here. The problem is though that I hate myself and noone else does. My parents say they care about me but only when i screw up. I've been an alcoholic all my life, never loved anyone, been to jail, have a felony and 3 misdemeanors, and have caused my dad's alcoholism and my mom is ready to mentally break down.

I really think the only way to stop hurting them is either to die or leave the country and avoid going to jail. I just don't know how to start over in a new country. I have no money or profitable knowledge. Which makes suicide really the only way out. Luckily I don't believe in god or hell which makes the abyss after death all that more tempting...

 

I can't help you. The way I feel is the more pain people are in the happier I am. I don't know why I feel that way but I do.

 

Maybe what you need is a professional to help you.

Tackle this beast one problem at a time. You will get through.