I don't really know how to say what I feel and I don't expect any replies. Suicidal thoughts plague me almost all the time. They are stronger and worse at night. Every evening is a fight not to follow through with the plans. I know things are related to what has happened in the past. I know the past is not now, nor is it the future, yet I cannot escape it. It comes back with the slightest of triggers. I could deal with them if they were only the memories returning, but they aren't. I get to relive them as if it were happening at that very moment. I can feel the touch on my skin, the smell of breath, dirt, candles. I can hear what was said and how it was said. Everything in its entirety. Isn't it enough to experience it once? Do I need to relive itevery night? What did I ever do to deserve the pain it causes- the terror, the fear, the need to escape by any means possible. Sometimes escape means through SI. Sometimes I escape into the vast recesses of my mind, only to come back in some strange place. There comes a time when the pain it takes to stay is greater than the pain it takes to leave. I am to that point in my life now. I don't want anyone to suffer for what I must do to escape, but how can I continue? This is not life. It is hell on earth. Is that fate I have drawn?