hurting

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by silencemydreams, Dec 30, 2007.

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  1. I don't really know how to say what I feel and I don't expect any replies. Suicidal thoughts plague me almost all the time. They are stronger and worse at night. Every evening is a fight not to follow through with the plans. I know things are related to what has happened in the past. I know the past is not now, nor is it the future, yet I cannot escape it. It comes back with the slightest of triggers. I could deal with them if they were only the memories returning, but they aren't. I get to relive them as if it were happening at that very moment. I can feel the touch on my skin, the smell of breath, dirt, candles. I can hear what was said and how it was said. Everything in its entirety. Isn't it enough to experience it once? Do I need to relive itevery night? What did I ever do to deserve the pain it causes- the terror, the fear, the need to escape by any means possible. Sometimes escape means through SI. Sometimes I escape into the vast recesses of my mind, only to come back in some strange place. There comes a time when the pain it takes to stay is greater than the pain it takes to leave. I am to that point in my life now. I don't want anyone to suffer for what I must do to escape, but how can I continue? This is not life. It is hell on earth. Is that fate I have drawn?
     
  2. Oceans

    Oceans Well-Known Member

    hi silence

    I think you have expressed yourself adequately. Don't have any answers but thought to let you know, I also get to a place where the pain gets too much and I just want it to stop, it's so difficult and sometimes I resort to SI.

    It is unfair that you have to re-live your bad experiences again. Yes, you are right that it was the past and it is not now nor is it the future. It is hurting you terribly now so I hope there is someone you can confine in so you can find a way to deal with these traumatic memories.

    We are here for you, if you need a listening ear.
     
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