hurting

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by nimbus, Jan 24, 2011.

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  1. nimbus

    nimbus Well-Known Member

    i'll keep this brief. 3 weeks ago i lost a friend to suicide. since then i've been dealing with a lot of different emotions. he and i weren't best friends but we had shared something very intimate at one time (we recorded an album together). i've been hurting from this and it just hits me hard from time to time.

    i'm worried about his very close friends and family whom i'm also close with. i've been trying to be there for them and be supportive but i also have my own grief to work through. i feel guilty about the times i've tried to commit and for the many more times i've wanted to. seeing the pain he left behind makes me feel extremely selfish for even considering doing that to those that i love.

    earlier today i missed a call from a close friend of mine. at the time i thought "i'll call him later" and just ignored his call. a couple hours later i tried him back and didn't get him. and a couple hours after that too. a few hours later his brother (who lives in japan) sent me a facebook message asking me to check on him as he was worried. now i feel incredibly guilty for not taking his call. he still hasn't responded to me and maybe it's because of what i've been going through but i'm terrified that maybe he killed himself too. he has a history of depression and we've actually talked about suicide a lot in the course of our friendship. his dad died that way.

    now i'm just worried and feeling incredibly guilty. i just don't know if i could handle losing another friend right now.
     
  2. Ravenwing

    Ravenwing Well-Known Member

    I'm not feeling so great, so I do not have a whole heap of great advice. But I do have :hug: I am so sorry that things are this bad for you right now.
     
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hun i am sorry you are suffering so greatly with regards to your next friend can you call emergency line just to have someone go check in on him tell them you concerns It is better to do this then not because if he has harmed self crisis people will be able to help him. Please take care of yourself in all this okay please get some support for you therapy for grief and loss. Hugs to you even if you call the police in his area just to check in on him let them know your concerns take care and i am so sorry you are having to deal with so much sadness now
     
  4. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Life does have a way of getting in the way...we make decisions in the moment and then spend so much time judging ourselves...hope your other friend is OK...please let us know and also know you had nothing to do with your friend's death...I think we get a wake-up call when things like this happen and we should use them...but we also can only do what we can...please continue to let us know how you are doing...J
     
  5. black_rose_99

    black_rose_99 Well-Known Member

    Are you able to, or would you feel okay about, going over to your friend to check on them? Or as TE has suggested, get a crisis team to go and check on them?

    Try not to get too worried now - it could be a great many things. Please do not feel guilty - I know that's easier said that done - but it is not you fault if something has happened.

    And as for your other friend, I'm sorry to hear what happened. I think it would do well to remember how you feel now, and use it to help yourself get some treatment and help and keep you away from any further thoughts of suicide.

    Thinking of you - I hope your friend is okay and that you take care of you for awhile :hug:
     
  6. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I agree with the others that you should call the police or go over yourself..He might get mad if theres nothing wrong.. But at least he will know that you care!!
     
  7. nimbus

    nimbus Well-Known Member

    i finally got ahold of him the next day. he said he had been ignoring his phone and resting. he seems ok but i just freaked when all that went down. i'm just a mess these days.

    i've been having a hard time lately. i've been going out to eat at places that my friends work at just so i can keep them close. i think i'm terrified of losing someone else right now.

    and then there's the part of me that wants to pull away. that way if something ever happens to me they won't get hurt again.

    i'm afraid that i'm becoming a bother to people. i just wish i could stop feeling this way. night time is the worst. lying around, alone.
     
  8. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hey glad your other friend was okay probably going thru hard times like you are.
    Is there someone you can get some councilling from you need help to deal with your fears and sadness. It will take time to heal from this okay so all these emotions are normal right now but you need to reach out okay don't isolate yourself. Talk to people be open about your feelings okay don't hold the sadness in. Therapy is good for that allowing you to freely let the sadness out with out being judged hugs.
     
  9. nimbus

    nimbus Well-Known Member

    tonight was the final show for my friend's band. his cousin filled in for him. it was an amazing night and cathartic in a few ways but has left me feeling cold and sad in others. tomorrow is gonna suck. his dad and i talked for a while tonight. we both agreed life is miserable but suicide hurts too many people so we agreed to be miserable together for a long time.

    sorry for the incoherent babbling. alcohol does that to me.
     
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