hurts

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by bluemoon6753, Mar 12, 2010.

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  1. bluemoon6753

    bluemoon6753 Member

    hey everyone,

    maybe I shouldn't have started a new thread as I'm not sure what I want to write about so please stop reading if you don't want to read a rambling post.

    I've been depressed for what seems to be a long time to me. I'm 22 and dealt on and off with suicide since I was 14. But I was a happy child and loved life until high school. I was emotionally traumatized for 4 years through severe bullying and I don't think I've ever recovered from it. I still feel and felt like I had no control...that people never even tried to get to know me. But I was that girl who was ridiculed for trying to be nice, socially awkward.

    I had therapy for a bit but it hasn't helped. I basically believe I'm disgusting...like not even human. And its so hard to fight the thoughts and the feelings and the urges of not feeling like a person. I know that doesn't really make sense logically. But I constantly feel dirty, inferior. And I think I'm paranoid...I constantly think people are laughing at me (some have for sure). Its frustrating because I don't know why I care so much.

    I just feel so broken....like pieces of me will never be whole again. It'd be so easy to end it after years of fighting these thoughts.

    Thanks for listening.
     
  2. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Its more than fine that you posted, so don't worry about that.

    It sounds like you had a horrendous time with bullying, and I'm so sorry for that. That can have a truly huge impact- like any abuse. You do sound very scarred from it and what you describe about the inferiority and also the paranoia shows it is still very heavily impacting on your present.

    When you say you had therapy for a bit, how long? What kind of therapy? Did you get on with your therapist?

    Often, with abuse, you need long term therapy to work through all that inner pain that the bullies have caused, or more specific anf focused types of therapy to help you work on your thought processes. Do you think maybe its something worth trying again? Have you ever been to the doctors or anything like that and talked to them about how you feel?

    If you give in now, then the bullies win. They don't deserve that. YOU deserve to win, and you winning is continuing to fight. Each day you fight you win a bit more.
     
  3. jxdama

    jxdama Staff Member Safety & Support

    we are all here for you
     
  4. bluemoon6753

    bluemoon6753 Member

    thank you...sometimes its just nice to know other people are on the same boat.

    I've battled with this for years and years and years to the point that I don't know who I am any more. I can look in the mirror and not know what I see. I don't know what I am.

    Thanks Scum you are right but sometimes I don't know whether the battle is even forth fighting. My parents are against therapy but as I get a job soon (coming august) I want to see if I can get some more help. If only to have somewhere to vent it out.

    I just feel so so alone...like this alien being who tries to blend in with a human environment. And I have days where I flashback to bullying episodes and all the emotions come back. Days as a child I'd be balled up on the bathroom floor praying for God to intervene who never did.

    Today's a bad day.
     
  5. bringer of light

    bringer of light Well-Known Member

    I can reflect slightly on this. Because I have had a similar experience in life. Although the way I dealt with it was completly opposite, it has still left me a bit scarred inside.

    Most of the time I prefer to be either polite or just ignore others. I do feel that I have always been an outsider, because I think differently to everyone else.

    Not trying to big myself up or anything, but when others attempted to bully me at school I always fought back regardless of the numbers that I faced and I always won. It was only after I had a few spells in prison for apparently overeacting that, I fully changed the destroy your enemy at all costs attitude, with destroy your enemy when they are weakened.

    I don't really know what I'm getting at here. Since I was about 16 society taught me that if I defended myself, I would be punished for it. Since then I guess I see society as my enemy and I will never be happy until it is incapable of causing me any more harm.

    The thing that really gets me down, is thinking about all those people that managed to walk away having wronged me. I still picture their ugly grins and sorry to say this I would happily burn myself on the stake if I could see those grins replaced by suffering.

    Infract me if it makes you feel better. I was just writing what was on my mind.
     
  6. bluemoon6753

    bluemoon6753 Member

    I actually admire you bringer of light...I'd like to stick up for myself and I'd like to think that doing so would make me feel less out of control and helpless. If I could just confront them and let them know how cruel they are/were, I'd like to hope they'd undertand.


    I know what you mean about wanting to see them hurt. I know the good thing to do is forgive but its like I can't forgive them because it hurts too much. I'd really like to envision karma kicking my tormenters' asses.

    I have a family who loves me and a few close friends who make me feel wonderful. So I guess I should be happy. But I can't function socially without being paranoid or just like a completely different species. I don't feel human. I just don't. Kind of like an identity crisis.

    I think I'd actually just be happy in a secluded spot with a little cottage, gardening/painting etc. But its living in society and reliving these traumas that drive me insane
     
  7. rostova

    rostova Member

    I'm the same way. Your words hit home. I don't think most people realize the lasting damage that childhood bullying can do. It's so important to be accepted by your peers--maybe more important than having a loving family. Your peer group is a microcosm for the real world, and if you felt "disgusting" there, you'll expect to be rejected by society at large, for years and years.

    I've struggled with the same feelings of paranoia and self-consciousness, and I know how exhausting it is to be tormented by those thoughts. If you could just find someone who would accept you as you are, and respond positively to you, that might go a long way toward building your self-esteem. Therapy might be a great first step. Your parents don't have to know. Perhaps they are worried that the therapist will blame them (not an unlikely scenario, since in a sense they failed you by keeping you in an abusive school environment for four years).
     
  8. bringer of light

    bringer of light Well-Known Member

    Firstly thanks. I tend to struggle a bit with compliments. But anyway this is about you not me. You are very intelligent and you will win in the struggle eventually.

    Forgive me if I overlooked this but I suggest you get a dog. If you live with him or her properly it is almost like living with a child. They require a huge amount of time, but it is well worth it for the rewards in loyalty. Me and my dog are like blood brothers, although he knows who is in charge.
     
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