Hi all. I'm new. I am from the uk. I wont go into all the details but my husband is suicidal. He is a kidney transplant patient and has had kidney all his life since the age of one which if course doesnt help at all. I was carer for years while he was on home dialysis etc. He has always had depression and anxiety. We both have and of course we clash and argue a lot because of it. Basically after much heartache, on and off relationship and many many problems we finally got married last June after knowing each other for about ten years. It's hard to pinpoint it all exactly as we were very much on and off throughout those years. We had never been closer and our personal relationship problems, as horrific and painful as they are, have brought us closer. The wedding was wonderful, the best day of our lives. The last few months I have felt for the first time I'm happy and content with every part of our relationship. Emotionally, sexually, everything. A few months ago my husband had problems with his results getting things sorted at the hospital etc so that caused a lot lf bother and made him really down and depressed cos he had to have biopsy after biopsy and stay in all the time. Then it finally came together and he's been having great stable results ever since, only needing to have a checkup every two weeks. Since then alls been great as I said. But he last few weeks he's gotten really really down. He is fed up all the time, snaps, sleeps, eats loads or not at all, being very moody and everything irritates him...andi mean every single little thing. Theres no intimacy, there's nothing we do together. And with neither of us working we are in together nost of the time. He feels like he can't go out and I don't feel like I can leave him cos of how he talks and how he feels. I've been suspecting suicidal thoughts for a while now and looked up things go say and not to say to someone with these feelings. It's basically speaking from the heart and listening more than anything so that's what I've been doing. Sometimes it works and he will open up. Smetimes he will just say 'I'm fed up, I just feel like I wanna go out there and strangle someone, I wish those kids would shut up and go away' Of course there are various cursing words thrown in. He also has increasingly talked of how he would like others who annoy him (random people he can hear in the distance or rude people etc) to die or how he would kill them/what he'd say to them given the chance. His detail to his imagination is disturbing. The pure hatred and nastiness in his choice of words when lashing out at me upsets me and scares me. He isn't threatening me btw. Just has a go at me and swears, calls me and my family names etc. He's always done that anyway when he's angry, not that it's any excuse. I can stand up for myself though. I dont take any messing around, and after years of problem after problem I don't have the patience anyway lol. I probably made him sound like a bad person but really he's not. He's been there for me with my anorexia too which I'm still dealing with everyday. I'm worried that we won't get to go on our honeymoon and we've been married a year already next month. We want to wait till the hospital say he can have a month off between appointments and then we are gonna have a year or so of sorting the flat out, relaxing and taking advantage of things by going on dsytrips and this n that. When we done all that we are gonna try for a baby. But every things being put on hold yet again. Theres no way any of that's gonna happen the way things are now. My main concern of course is that he gets himself some help. He's told me he's had thoughts the last few days of how he would kiill himself. He's almost, I believe, at the highest risk stage. He has an appointment Thursday at hospital and so we are gonna make sure he sees someone and to see if they can up his antidepressants or something. He's also asked me to phone someone at the hospital tomorrow and tell them what he told me because he doesn't think they will believe him. It's good that he's telling me this and asking me for help. Sadly many people, mainly professionals don't take people seriously whn they seek help or talk about these feelings. They dint realise many people who are serious about this do ask for help or talk about it. There is a history of suicides on his father side of the family. Also we recently learned of his dad having a prostate biopsy as he has a high risk of prostate cancer and we are awaiting the results any day now. Plus his sister has been having a lot lf trouble with her cheating, drug abusing husband who is threatening their kids if she divorces him. These things don't help at all. We've both had such a rough time of it all, especially him. All we want is to be able to relax for once, ne happy, enjoy our married life and go out to do things and go places, start a family. All the stuff we havnt been able to do while he was really ill on dialysis etc and all the stuff we won't be able tdo when we are tied down to responsibility of a child...IF it ever happens. We have never been without tremendous responsibility and stress at all and we know a year or so wont be long enough probably, cos when the baby comes it will all change again and i wonder if he will cope. He finds it hard ATM worrying about money and looking after his parrot. I can cope as long as he's sorted with his depression. But we don't know when he will be back on dialysis and when that happens, it will be stressful again, he will be ill, he womt be able to father a child easily, let alone anything else and he won't have a sex drive again probably. Something which is true ATM even though a few weeks ago it was regular and he was so loving...even when he had all is on his mind. It's like he changed overnight or something and gets worse everyday. He has promised me he wont do anything stupid. ATM he is t his rents house and feels better a bit. Just spoke with him on the phone. Im so scared still for his safety and also there's the worry of tablets clashing with oher tablets if they put him on something else which is not what we need ATM while his results are really good. The stress alone will probably cause bad results again I expect. I don't feel we have a future and all our hopes and dreams will not come true. What makes it worse is ive been so so broody lately and cry at even the sight of a baby. It's getting me really down. I just wanna see my husband smile again and know I got a secure future with him.