Husbands suicidal. :'( please help :( long long post so so sorry. But pls read!! Ty.

Hi all. I'm new. I am from the uk.
I wont go into all the details but my husband is suicidal.
He is a kidney transplant patient and has had kidney all his life since the age of one which if course doesnt help at all. I was carer for years while he was on home dialysis etc.
He has always had depression and anxiety. We both have and of course we clash and argue a lot because of it. Basically after much heartache, on and off relationship and many many problems we finally got married last June after knowing each other for about ten years. It's hard to pinpoint it all exactly as we were very much on and off throughout those years.

We had never been closer and our personal relationship problems, as horrific and painful as they are, have brought us closer.
The wedding was wonderful, the best day of our lives.
The last few months I have felt for the first time I'm happy and content with every part of our relationship. Emotionally, sexually, everything.
A few months ago my husband had problems with his results getting things sorted at the hospital etc so that caused a lot lf bother and made him really down and depressed cos he had to have biopsy after biopsy and stay in all the time. Then it finally came together and he's been having great stable results ever since, only needing to have a checkup every two weeks. Since then alls been great as I said.

But he last few weeks he's gotten really really down. He is fed up all the time, snaps, sleeps, eats loads or not at all, being very moody and everything irritates him...andi mean every single little thing. Theres no intimacy, there's nothing we do together. And with neither of us working we are in together nost of the time. He feels like he can't go out and I don't feel like I can leave him cos of how he talks and how he feels.
I've been suspecting suicidal thoughts for a while now and looked up things go say and not to say to someone with these feelings. It's basically speaking from the heart and listening more than anything so that's what I've been doing. Sometimes it works and he will open up. Smetimes he will just say 'I'm fed up, I just feel like I wanna go out there and strangle someone, I wish those kids would shut up and go away'
Of course there are various cursing words thrown in.
He also has increasingly talked of how he would like others who annoy him (random people he can hear in the distance or rude people etc) to die or how he would kill them/what he'd say to them given the chance.
His detail to his imagination is disturbing.
The pure hatred and nastiness in his choice of words when lashing out at me upsets me and scares me.
He isn't threatening me btw. Just has a go at me and swears, calls me and my family names etc. He's always done that anyway when he's angry, not that it's any excuse.
I can stand up for myself though. I dont take any messing around, and after years of problem after problem I don't have the patience anyway lol.
I probably made him sound like a bad person but really he's not.
He's been there for me with my anorexia too which I'm still dealing with everyday.

I'm worried that we won't get to go on our honeymoon and we've been married a year already next month. We want to wait till the hospital say he can have a month off between appointments and then we are gonna have a year or so of sorting the flat out, relaxing and taking advantage of things by going on dsytrips and this n that. When we done all that we are gonna try for a baby. But every things being put on hold yet again.

Theres no way any of that's gonna happen the way things are now. My main concern of course is that he gets himself some help.
He's told me he's had thoughts the last few days of how he would kiill himself. He's almost, I believe, at the highest risk stage.
He has an appointment Thursday at hospital and so we are gonna make sure he sees someone and to see if they can up his antidepressants or something.
He's also asked me to phone someone at the hospital tomorrow and tell them what he told me because he doesn't think they will believe him.
It's good that he's telling me this and asking me for help.
Sadly many people, mainly professionals don't take people seriously whn they seek help or talk about these feelings. They dint realise many people who are serious about this do ask for help or talk about it.
There is a history of suicides on his father side of the family.
Also we recently learned of his dad having a prostate biopsy as he has a high risk of prostate cancer and we are awaiting the results any day now. Plus his sister has been having a lot lf trouble with her cheating, drug abusing husband who is threatening their kids if she divorces him.
These things don't help at all.

We've both had such a rough time of it all, especially him. All we want is to be able to relax for once, ne happy, enjoy our married life and go out to do things and go places, start a family. All the stuff we havnt been able to do while he was really ill on dialysis etc and all the stuff we won't be able tdo when we are tied down to responsibility of a child...IF it ever happens. We have never been without tremendous responsibility and stress at all and we know a year or so wont be long enough probably, cos when the baby comes it will all change again and i wonder if he will cope. He finds it hard ATM worrying about money and looking after his parrot. I can cope as long as he's sorted with his depression. But we don't know when he will be back on dialysis and when that happens, it will be stressful again, he will be ill, he womt be able to father a child easily, let alone anything else and he won't have a sex drive again probably. Something which is true ATM even though a few weeks ago it was regular and he was so loving...even when he had all is on his mind.
It's like he changed overnight or something and gets worse everyday.
He has promised me he wont do anything stupid.
ATM he is t his rents house and feels better a bit. Just spoke with him on the phone.
Im so scared still for his safety and also there's the worry of tablets clashing with oher tablets if they put him on something else which is not what we need ATM while his results are really good. The stress alone will probably cause bad results again I expect.
I don't feel we have a future and all our hopes and dreams will not come true. What makes it worse is ive been so so broody lately and cry at even the sight of a baby. It's getting me really down.
I just wanna see my husband smile again and know I got a secure future with him.

 

Re: Husbands suicidal. :'( please help long long post so so sorry. But pls read!!

Being chronically ill can really get a person down and, lets be honest, make them into a right royal pain in the arse.
Am wondering if the whole baby thing has freaked him out a bit, cannot be easy to contemplate a child and not know if he will be around to see it grow.
Feeling well may have him dreading the next round of illness too.
Definetly nag the hospital about his depression, don't let them palm you off with platitudes, just because he's talking about it doesn't mean he wouldn't follow thru on suicidal thoughts.

Meanwhile, do you ever get a second to yourself?
Would be good for both of you if you had an outside interest, something to talk about when you came home and would probably lessen any guilt he might feel about you having no life because of his illness.

 

Re: Husbands suicidal. :'( please help long long post so so sorry. But pls read!!

Thank you.
I don't get much time to myself tbh. Neither of us do, what with the not feeling like we can go out too. At the same time we hardly ever go anywhere together, especially just us. I go out once a week to do shoppingnwith my parents and to my appointments at the clinic.
The baby thing isn't much of an issue really as we have talked extentively sbout it numerous times. He wants to have a kid and he says he will be excited when it's happening so we planned roughly when we are gonna try, making sure first we get ourselves and the place sorted while giving ourselves time to relax and do stuff.
At the moment it's not something he is thinking about as he likes to just live in the moment and not plan things too much. And he has a lot on his mind of course.

 

Re: Husbands suicidal. :'( please help long long post so so sorry. But pls read!!

sorry i don't have any new advice, sounds like you are doing all the right things. the most important thing is to be listened too at the hospital. you are good to call ahead. here they will hospitalize you if you are an imminent threat to yourself. they are quite good about that. not sure how it works where you are. but you can only keep emphasizing how serious his intent is. good luck and holding you in my thoughts.

 

Re: Husbands suicidal. :'( please help long long post so so sorry. But pls read!!

Thank you. It means a lot

 

Re: Husbands suicidal. :'( please help long long post so so sorry. But pls read!!

having been a carer myself, i can appreciate the strain. he has been ill for so long, he will be depressed, i defy anyone not to after all he has been through, however, that does not mean it will not have an effect on you as carer..the pressure is immense. its just not the cared for who suffers, but also the carer and even more so if they have their own problems on top to deal with. can you not get some respite care just to give you a break? tbh i think thinking about a baby is prob putting extra pressure on both of you, if you are struggling now, it will be hell with a baby. get yourselves to a point where you are not fighting, feeling resentful, not angry, and all the rest, before you even think of a baby...it will not help you at all.

seek help and support from the medical profession, dont suffer alone and in silence..in the meantime keep posting here for support and now go and have a long soak in the tub with loads of bubbles ;p

 

Re: Husbands suicidal. :'( please help long long post so so sorry. But pls read!!

Thank you. I would if I had a bath lol. A showers just not the same.
I can't stop thinking about a baby lol. But we decided we would do all the things we wanna do and relax first anyway before doing anything like that.
I pretty much cope with my broodiness alone.

 

Re: Husbands suicidal. :'( please help long long post so so sorry. But pls read!!

Update..
My husbands been back and forth to his parents due to being in his moods.
He's bck there again today after coming back from staying there last night. He went off in a display again and now I'm alone...again!
I have got a very early doctors appointment tomorrow...just for s smear test but I'm so scared and even though hr doesn't understand I need his support tonight and he said he'd go with me tomorrow. Then he just slept the whole time he was here and then left.
Before leaving however he angrily told me he never wants Kids, never wants to hear about them, see them, hear them or have anything to do with them.
Back a couple of months ago I told him when he wasn't pulling his weight that I love him so much but if I never get a kid in the future cos things are not getting done now ready for us to have a life and a marriage, to relax etc, then I'm not gonna be able to be with someone who can't give me what I need. He promised when I asked him that he does want that and that he can give me that.
Now he's saying this!
I don't know what to do cos I live him so much and I believe in being there for the one you love, vows or no vows. Weve been through so much together and worked so hard at this. I said to him what do I do then if you never want kids?
I can't find the answer. Ages ago at the hospital we talked about things and he said he wants kids and when the time comes he will be excited. Asking him today about that time he said he meant it then but he's been feeling like he doesn't want any ever for ages now.
A big part of it is the state the flats in. I an so stressed and with my own problems too that I can't keep up with it all. I can't get help ATM from my family.
Now I know a lot has to be sorted before anythig happens like a baby...we gotta get well, do stuff we wanna do, get things done and tidy but I'm so confused right now. He's not coming back until the flats spotless and hr said if it's not done he means it he's not coming back. He said he doesn't want to but he will have to phone council and say he's moving out, cancel all the Internet etc (my only outlet most of the time and my relaxation time) everyday. And then I'd be chucked out.
I don't want a divorce cos I can't see a future without him...I love him SO much bit I also can't see a future with no baby.
Even when alls more normal again how am I ever gonna be able to smile and cuddle ip with him etc knowing all the while I'm not happy cos we may never have a baby?!

 

Re: Husbands suicidal. :'( please help long long post so so sorry. But pls read!!

Maybe for your sake you should tidy the flat up - could be quite a task if you have let things go there - but don't worry, just get some bleach, bin bags or take a few extra bags from the shops when you go shopping.

A bit of polish for the windows, mops the floors or hoover them if they are carpets.

Get some old T-shirts for wiping down any dirty tiles, and plenty of kitchen roll for the final wipe of all surfaces.

You'd be amazed at how better ANYONE feels in a clean neat home.

As for your husband, I know many who run back to their mums at the first sign of stress - would not have happened years ago, you had to weather the storm out!

You seem like a great wife - you looked after this man and sacrificed a lot for him. Your desire for a child is natural - but you need to make sure this man is the right person for you AND the child.

He might well have depression but might not take it seriously - or he may have it, know about it but be able to use you as a kind of outlet which often happens when people are in relationships. We hurt those we love - sometimes not knowingly, but I think it is the responsibility of anyone with depression to be very careful they do not vent on loved ones or abuse that relationship.

Depression or not - you do not deserve to hear cruel and malicious remarks directed at you or your family. A man who does this is either depressed or just mean. You say he does this as a matter of course at times. Your duty as a wife does not entail being some object of derision.

He does need some help, maybe he is depressed and at least then we would know his behaviour to you is classic behaviour from someone depressed who will not seek help. The most horrible things can be said when we are down, but lets be straight about it - we CAN stop that behaviour and actually need to do so as soon as we recognise abusive behaviour in ourselves.

I hope your husband gets the help - but your only fault so far is letting the flat go - so its wise to make that 'problem' go away and get it cleaned!

Hopefully he will see you can at least look after a home - and you need to do that if you want a baby with him.

He is a lucky man but sometimes we get complacent. Remind him you married him because he made you happy. He can be happy again himself but he has to recognise his depression does make him seem someone else at times.

Good luck and enjoy the cleaning of the home - as it's actually good for you. Bit of a work out - then great to sit back and watch some internet in a spick and span living room. Armed with bleach and some oven cleaner - and some nice hot water - the kitchen becomes Nirvana - everything washed, clean, sink sparkling like a jewel in the very throne of God.

Your husband, dazzled by the cleanness, might then settle into a calm state in which you two can really talk without him getting all emotional and distraught.

He has to know he hurts you when he is in his moods but be subtle and diplomatic. But listen to him also - maybe you hurt him in some ways - you got to just let the conversation go were he feels comfortable. Don't take the lead so much or push the issue too much.

Hope things work out!

PS clean the curtains - and the bed covers - get some fresh ones on it - and maybe air the quilt and beat it.

Maybe invite him for a nice meal!