hypocondriac and already sick, just want stop my suffering, but the people loving me?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by each day a nightmare, Jul 15, 2010.

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  1. My journey began 9 years ago; I was already depressed from years, I think 4 years, when I was refused by a girl and I lost (or never had) my self-esteem, and begin to drink heavy. Then, I developed my ulcerative colitis, very hard. Then I tried to cure it, but meds appeared not to work for me; I also was scared and terrified by long term effects of medicines. So I give up with those, and never cured me since today. My colits didn't developed until now, I folllowed some food regime to stay better a bit in some days, but I spent 10 years being afraid I wuold have some disease like cancer or another of the million diseases I think have no cure, like ulcerative colitis. I never asked advise, I just have my family with me; they were always against my mood and my views and wanted me to be cured by doctors, but I always opposed to this and until today I felt I was "a bit right" as I did not develope any other disease (apart my hypocondria, which I felt a bit natural).
    I always thought my disease could be adjusted and cured by any means (diets found in internet), but never being strong to follow those diets.
    I also always refused the medicines and to be checked by doctors, as I was afraid they would have find me a cancer, or something like that. I just wanted to live with my ulcerative colitis that took my NO work, NO social life, NO friends, just my beloved family. I was conscious it was a bad life, and somewhat undesiderable, but the alternatives (taking medicines and being scared to develop other disease caused by that medicines) I felt better. And I always though that suicide would have been an exit if I couldn't tolerate it anymore.
    Now I week ago I developed an "erythema nodosum", which is pain to the legs and it should be caused by my colitis, the monster. But, being me hypocondriac, I also think it could be caused by some other disease, like "sarcoidosis" (n.1 cause of erythema nodosum") cancer (it is always on my terrified mind) and any other disease.
    I was so depressed and couldn't tolerate it, at the point I manifested suicidal behaviour and depression public, to my family (my parents, my sister and my brother). I really couldn't live as I always cried, I woke up in the night and call them to cry again, to tell them I can't live with this pain in the legs and I can't accept I have a pain in the leg and also the colitis.
    I'm not mentioning the fact I still believe in diet for my colitis, because I feel it really work although I never give it a long-time chance to heal me, and, in an attempt to eradicate the EN, I rushed again to follow the strictest diet I can, which consists in only vegetables and fruits.
    I said I was so depressed that I was ruining the life to my parents, and they continued to pray me to bring me to the doctor, at the end, I concede it as my EN was too painful and I wanted to listen them as they did not deserve to have transferred my desperation taken by my will not to be cured (the are desperate seeing me in this state, and never convincing me to be cured). So I decided to go to the doctors, who said: "that are spider bits" and the dermatologist, after I told him I have ulcerative colitis and it could be EN, confirmed that he thinks are spider bits gave me 25mg of cortisone. I'm sure it's Erythema Nodosum as I already read lots of informations in the internet, and sympthoms are exactly what I feel. I just feel that the dermathologist lied and didn't want to give me the bad news. Tomorrow I will have a check and he will tell me that it's definetely EN.
    I read lots of people can't eradicate this EN in the internet, and I (as always) am sure I will be the next. I am just desperate.
    I can't do anything I like (reading, writing, surfing the net, talking about football) as I just think about my diseases and the fact I will never stay well, and my future will be even worse as I'll have a cancer (or something worst) which will give me easy death but suffering.
    And I don't want to suffer. The cortisone is doing its effect, as I can't feel the pain but just an occasional burning when I'm not at bed (I'm currently at bed and writing using a netbook), but I am so sure that when I won't take it anymore, the pain will come back and I can't eradicate him anymore, and diet won't work this time (and also, if diet will work for my ulcerative colitis, won't work for this EN I will have to convive forever).
    Stress is eating me. I can't think about my future, my pains, my unhappiness, so the solution for me would be the suicide. But I love my parents, and they would be desperate, and never accept my choice. I already spoke about this to them, and they are obviously a bit scared (maybe they don't believe serious) and tell me a need analysis and psycotherapy, and to be quiet because EN will heal and I will be able to walk easily again.
    I don't want to suicide myself as my parents and my brothers would be destroyed, the love me and I love them, but I also don't want to suffer, I would just to be quiet and live my life, my poor life, but quietly, but I'm accusing the Lord he doesn't want and he hates me. I was atheist until last week but now I seem to believe to the Lord and also praying him for escape to this. It's hard, every day is a nightmare, I'm terrified, everything is black and I am sure nothing will change. I am definitely sure the suicide would be the best option for me, but I'm so loser that I can't think how to do it. Maybe I need some substance but I have no idea where to find it. I want to be sure I will be killed, no risks to survive and perhaps more suffering. My parents never forget me, and I will ruin their life. But maybe I will write a diary before suiciding and explain them why I did, why I am so desperate, and why they have nothing to do with it.
     
  2. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    Re: hypocondriac and already sick, just want stop my suffering, but the people loving

    Please do not destroy yourself. Yahweh whom you call the Lord is here for you. I am happy you are praying to him, and you will be helped. Have you gotten a bible yet? I call it the book that speaks, because it is his words, and when I pray to Yahweh and read I get understanding. I suggest this. Please do not give up, you are on a great path, and you now all you have to do is follow the one leadning you. I am here for you if you need to talk. Blessings..
     
  3. Re: hypocondriac and already sick, just want stop my suffering, but the people loving

    Thank you. I never read the bible... I always thought I wouldn't find anything there. What should I expect reading it? Should I read it from the beginning to the end? Why do you say it speaks? I don't know I am in great path. I don't want definetely destroy myself, I'd like to live but I'd like to avoid suffering. If I'll continue to suffer, I think it's good to decide to end it. I never understand people HEALTHY who think to suicide. They should be delighted they are healthy, each and every day. You can have any problem in your life but you can solve it if you are not sick. Sick people deserve suicide, healthy people not.
    I'm sure there are people who suffer much more than me. But the fact, it's I am sure I will suffer at maximum level in few time, and I don't want to reach that. I'm pathetic I recognize it. It's another reason to end it. I loved my life, I love my life, that's the reason. I love life and myself, so can't accept my suffering. I need a miracle and miracle doesn't exist...
    I want to thank you. I don't think I'll suicide tomorrow. But I think I'll arrive to that end before or after, if I won't get a lethal heart attack before (I'm also sure about it). I'm beginning to pray the Lord any day, and asking him for a miracle. I will write a diary cause I need to explain what I feel. Perhaps I'll begin here.
     
  4. flowingriver

    flowingriver Well-Known Member

    Re: hypocondriac and already sick, just want stop my suffering, but the people loving

    Hi, you do realize that a lot of your suffering is your own self diagnosis. You can't believe every thing you read on the internet. That's why we go to doctors. And that is why we get second and third opinions from doctors. You are thinking with your emotions and your worse fears. You are jumping to conclusions. And you are imagining the worse. It seems you have a lot of time on your hand, so you are spinning the yarn. Fantasy can be powerful stuff, in this case, fearful fantasies. You have to get out of your room, and start interacting with people, and find healthy diversions.
    Get yourself a medical checkup first, to find if noting is wrong with you.
    Then, you have to believe your diagnosis, and if you need a second one because of self doubt, go ahead, if they both agree that you are OK, then you have to believe them.

    Your mind can do pretty powerful stuff, tricky stuff, too.
    Keep yourself occupied, and get a job, if you can, even if it's just a part time job to keep you occupied.

    The longer you focus on diseases you fear you have, that the doctor can't diagnose, the more you will suffer un-necessarily.
     
  5. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Re: hypocondriac and already sick, just want stop my suffering, but the people loving

    Hi. I think that you're stressing yourself excessively and it might be harming your health. Stress is really bad for your health and stressing about possible diseases that you might have isn't good for you. I also worry that I might get cancer one day, but all you can do to prevent that, is eat well, drink water and live a healthy lifestyle. Also, don't believe everything you read on the internet.
     
  6. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    Re: hypocondriac and already sick, just want stop my suffering, but the people loving

    Miracles do exist, and I am living proof of it. The bible explains everything to me:why we suffer, and how we can end it. I would pray for guidance, wisdom, and understanding and then read it cover to cover. I am so enlightened, and I get everything now. Do not over do it, the bible is not a normal book that you can read in a couple of days. I can read normal books this way or faster. I call it the book that speaks because it convicts you of truths that are in your life, and it feels as though it is literally speaking to you in some areas. Try my suggestion before abandoning it completely. Continue to pray, and as far as miracles go, I have had them done two ways. Prayer, and faith that it will come true, and having the elders of my assembly pray over me. Anything physical or spiritual can and will be healed all it takes is the faith of a mustard seed. Lemme know if I can be of some help. :) Blessings.. :hug:
     
  7. Marty482

    Marty482 Well-Known Member

    Re: hypocondriac and already sick, just want stop my suffering, but the people loving

    PLEASE HANG ON. I am so happy you are praying. THINGS WILL CHANGE.
    Wait and see. Im praying for you too. You are a very good person and love your family so much ,why not stay for them. They will feel so lost wothout you. Stay and we will help you here find a way. I liked what Daphna said. Turn to the Bible. I belive it is an inspired book and will bring you back to a place of peace.

    PLEASE tell us your whole story . So we can offer help!!!! HOPE IS HERE!!!! I think its just arrived for you!!!!

    Write me if you like,

    Marty
     
  8. Re: hypocondriac and already sick, just want stop my suffering, but the people loving

    Thanks. I know it. I'm already sick, I have ulcerative colitis but I'm not curing it. I know it's idiot. But I'm afraid to come back to doctors and they will say: "you have cancer mate". In the last 9 years, I did not get drugs, but when I felt extremely sick, I followed some diet guidelines and I stay well in few time. That's the reason I believe in diet. The sad thing is noone believe in diet and I don't believe in my long-term ability to follow it. And now that I have erithema nodosum (self diagnosed, the doctor said it was a spider bite) I'm scared I will have pain, and emotional pain to go to the doctors and they will tell me I've got cancer or I'm dying or I need to be further examined and waiting for the exams, and so on. I can't wake up in the morning, I'm so scared. Just want to die. No, I don't want to die. I want to live. I love my life. But I want to live without suffering, emotional suffering and physical. Erithema nodosum is physical pain; but if I have disease and take drugs, I will have devastating emotional sufferings I can't cope. I don't know the reason.

    Yes I'm stressed. You're right for sure. I'm sure I did not lost my intelligence, but I can't use it cause I'm afraid. So afraid. I'm afraid to suffer, I'm not ready to die, and I'm not ready to be checked by doctors who'll say I'm dying. I would like to avoid it, staying better by myself. And I can't accept it if I can't. I can't accept my phyisical pain if it'll come back. Please pray for me it won't come back, although I'm sure it will come back.

    I need peace can a pray give me peace? How can I have my peace?

    Yes I need to write someone.
    My full story should begin when I was born. I need an analist. I don't know what to write you. I had so many problems in my life but the health problem will make me crazy and mentally ill.
    I'm going to dinner, my father is so sweet when he calls me. I love him. I can't give him suffering. But the more I survive, the more I'm suffering.
     
  9. flowingriver

    flowingriver Well-Known Member

    Re: hypocondriac and already sick, just want stop my suffering, but the people loving

    Hi, first you have to realize what you have and what you don't have. Real diseases, you can take measures to control it, like diet and medication.
    Feared and imagined diseases, those are the worst, in my opinion. Because there are no cures for them, just terrible imaginings.
    Don't self-diagnose serious diseases you read about.
    It will drive you crazy and your mind will go in circles.
    Soon it will consume your whole day, and you will really begin to believe your fears.
    You really need to get out there and find things you like to do.
    Stop researching diseases on the internet, or else you might find you have symptoms of just about every serious disease out there.
    Start something out there that you can forget yourself and enjoy your life.
     
  10. Marty482

    Marty482 Well-Known Member

    Re: hypocondriac and already sick, just want stop my suffering, but the people loving

    You are welcome to write,Please do. I am praying for you ,please do too.

    Marty
     
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