My journey began 9 years ago; I was already depressed from years, I think 4 years, when I was refused by a girl and I lost (or never had) my self-esteem, and begin to drink heavy. Then, I developed my ulcerative colitis, very hard. Then I tried to cure it, but meds appeared not to work for me; I also was scared and terrified by long term effects of medicines. So I give up with those, and never cured me since today. My colits didn't developed until now, I folllowed some food regime to stay better a bit in some days, but I spent 10 years being afraid I wuold have some disease like cancer or another of the million diseases I think have no cure, like ulcerative colitis. I never asked advise, I just have my family with me; they were always against my mood and my views and wanted me to be cured by doctors, but I always opposed to this and until today I felt I was "a bit right" as I did not develope any other disease (apart my hypocondria, which I felt a bit natural). I always thought my disease could be adjusted and cured by any means (diets found in internet), but never being strong to follow those diets. I also always refused the medicines and to be checked by doctors, as I was afraid they would have find me a cancer, or something like that. I just wanted to live with my ulcerative colitis that took my NO work, NO social life, NO friends, just my beloved family. I was conscious it was a bad life, and somewhat undesiderable, but the alternatives (taking medicines and being scared to develop other disease caused by that medicines) I felt better. And I always though that suicide would have been an exit if I couldn't tolerate it anymore. Now I week ago I developed an "erythema nodosum", which is pain to the legs and it should be caused by my colitis, the monster. But, being me hypocondriac, I also think it could be caused by some other disease, like "sarcoidosis" (n.1 cause of erythema nodosum") cancer (it is always on my terrified mind) and any other disease. I was so depressed and couldn't tolerate it, at the point I manifested suicidal behaviour and depression public, to my family (my parents, my sister and my brother). I really couldn't live as I always cried, I woke up in the night and call them to cry again, to tell them I can't live with this pain in the legs and I can't accept I have a pain in the leg and also the colitis. I'm not mentioning the fact I still believe in diet for my colitis, because I feel it really work although I never give it a long-time chance to heal me, and, in an attempt to eradicate the EN, I rushed again to follow the strictest diet I can, which consists in only vegetables and fruits. I said I was so depressed that I was ruining the life to my parents, and they continued to pray me to bring me to the doctor, at the end, I concede it as my EN was too painful and I wanted to listen them as they did not deserve to have transferred my desperation taken by my will not to be cured (the are desperate seeing me in this state, and never convincing me to be cured). So I decided to go to the doctors, who said: "that are spider bits" and the dermatologist, after I told him I have ulcerative colitis and it could be EN, confirmed that he thinks are spider bits gave me 25mg of cortisone. I'm sure it's Erythema Nodosum as I already read lots of informations in the internet, and sympthoms are exactly what I feel. I just feel that the dermathologist lied and didn't want to give me the bad news. Tomorrow I will have a check and he will tell me that it's definetely EN. I read lots of people can't eradicate this EN in the internet, and I (as always) am sure I will be the next. I am just desperate. I can't do anything I like (reading, writing, surfing the net, talking about football) as I just think about my diseases and the fact I will never stay well, and my future will be even worse as I'll have a cancer (or something worst) which will give me easy death but suffering. And I don't want to suffer. The cortisone is doing its effect, as I can't feel the pain but just an occasional burning when I'm not at bed (I'm currently at bed and writing using a netbook), but I am so sure that when I won't take it anymore, the pain will come back and I can't eradicate him anymore, and diet won't work this time (and also, if diet will work for my ulcerative colitis, won't work for this EN I will have to convive forever). Stress is eating me. I can't think about my future, my pains, my unhappiness, so the solution for me would be the suicide. But I love my parents, and they would be desperate, and never accept my choice. I already spoke about this to them, and they are obviously a bit scared (maybe they don't believe serious) and tell me a need analysis and psycotherapy, and to be quiet because EN will heal and I will be able to walk easily again. I don't want to suicide myself as my parents and my brothers would be destroyed, the love me and I love them, but I also don't want to suffer, I would just to be quiet and live my life, my poor life, but quietly, but I'm accusing the Lord he doesn't want and he hates me. I was atheist until last week but now I seem to believe to the Lord and also praying him for escape to this. It's hard, every day is a nightmare, I'm terrified, everything is black and I am sure nothing will change. I am definitely sure the suicide would be the best option for me, but I'm so loser that I can't think how to do it. Maybe I need some substance but I have no idea where to find it. I want to be sure I will be killed, no risks to survive and perhaps more suffering. My parents never forget me, and I will ruin their life. But maybe I will write a diary before suiciding and explain them why I did, why I am so desperate, and why they have nothing to do with it.