Hypothetical conversation

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ttd, Mar 7, 2011.

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  1. ttd

    ttd New Member

    Hello.

    So a bit about me and my life.

    I'm 23. Girl. Prettyish I guess. Live with family. We've had harder times but its got better. It's not awful.

    I have a degree (wont be too detailed) and I'm postgraduate qualified. Had a job. Got fired. It was all an unfortunate series of events, but obviously I don't think it was right. I was screwy then but I'm much worse now. I don't want to get into it but I feel like I've been through disappointments in life and this just blew my world apart in the worst possible way. Don't really want to discuss it.

    So now I just don't see where my future is and I honestly don't think I have one. I am in so much student debt (the bank kind which I have to pay back whether I'm working or not) and just don't have anywhere to go from here. To say I feel like a failure is a massive understatement.

    I have no career, I can't break into one. There is no job prospect immediately. Do a normal job like a bar job? Can't face it (yes I'm pathetic), don't want to, will probably make my long term prospects worse.

    I try to help myself. I feel like I'm under constant attack in my house when all I want is a cuddle - stupid huh? I woke up today, got dressed - thats not normal for me - ready to face whatever applications I was going to do. Mother criticizes what I was wearing - obviously she thinks shes helping, she doesnt realise what it meant for me to get up and be proactive and get dressed. Started telling me what an idiot I am and how stupid and naive i am about the world of work. stupid woman hasnt worked for 15 years and even then it was hardly anything.

    i was supposed to go to stay with my auntie for a bit in australia (yes im so lucky blablabla) but then there was some long talk about how i shouldnt go because ill ruin it for everyone else there ill ruin their day everyday because im so horrible to be around, my attitude is wrong (I feel like im under constant attack what do you expect) my mindset is wrong (I've been through a lot I'm trying to find a state where I feel safe). But hey what would change anyway.

    For maybe two years now I've not really thought I would be able to live much longer. I never made any plans or anything, I always had faith that when it was really time I would know what to do, and find the strength (ha) to do it.

    I think this is it though. But my uncle has cancer and for what is such a "close knit" family I could not cause such a big fuss and he cares about me a lot (i hide the situation im in as much as i can and stay distant which i hate myself for) and i wouldnt want him to give up.

    But hypothetically, how would i do it and would it be wrong? Do I plan? Do I pick a day? Do I try to enjoy every day until then in the hope I feel better? Would it be unfair?

    My dad says however low you feel life will eventually give you opportunities and when those times come around its not good being asleep, or drunk, or high, or stoned... what about dead? What about ready?

    i cant bear it I dont know how to be or how to think or what to do someone please spoonfeed me.

    I know I dont live in poverty, I know its just a stupid "middle class nightmare" I know I'm an idiot who doesnt deserve the webspace but I cant stay stood still in this desert so what do i do? How do i carry on? What option is there that i feel i can live with? Do I have the confidence to apply for jobs - not realistically going to get me anywhere at this stagfe with the way i feel. can i carry on without? no, im in too much debt. Can I just hide for a while? no its the same old story.

    I wish I was a cat, I could just quietly leave when the time came and hide in a bush and die there, and it wouldnt be anyones business.

    please help.
     
  2. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    I think I get what you are saying here...correct me if I am wrong. But is it that you feel you shouldn't be feeling bad as things could be a lot worse? If so I feel the same. I feel that other people have a lot more shit happen to them than me and it's kinda pathetic I feel like I do when they have managed.

    The job market is pretty tough at the moment. How about taking a sideways step or looking for a job that will give you relevent experience?

    Continue to post as the forum is really supportive.

    xxx
     
  3. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    It sounds like abuse from your mom is a big part of why you are depressed.

    Going to stay with your aunt sounds like a good idea. Is it your mom that is objecting to your departure? It could be that she wants you to be around to be her punching bag.

    If your aunt wants you to be there, then I think that it could be good. You could go visit at least, and then see how things go. You're 23, so your mom doesn't have a say in what you do even if she doesn't realize that herself.

    I'm sorry that your uncle has cancer. Your presence might actually be helpful to him, especially if he really cares about you. You might be able to help out.

    If he could die, it could be your last chance to spend time with him.

    You might want to confide in your aunt that your mom has been verbally abusive and you feel the need to get away.

    If you can't stay with your aunt, staying with another relative could be good.

    I'm sorry that you are in this situation and I hope that you are able to work things out!

    :hug: :hug: :hug:
     
  4. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    Also, what part of the world are you from?
    x
     
  5. Viro

    Viro Well-Known Member

    I wish I was a cat too.

    :hug:
     
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