Hello. So a bit about me and my life. I'm 23. Girl. Prettyish I guess. Live with family. We've had harder times but its got better. It's not awful. I have a degree (wont be too detailed) and I'm postgraduate qualified. Had a job. Got fired. It was all an unfortunate series of events, but obviously I don't think it was right. I was screwy then but I'm much worse now. I don't want to get into it but I feel like I've been through disappointments in life and this just blew my world apart in the worst possible way. Don't really want to discuss it. So now I just don't see where my future is and I honestly don't think I have one. I am in so much student debt (the bank kind which I have to pay back whether I'm working or not) and just don't have anywhere to go from here. To say I feel like a failure is a massive understatement. I have no career, I can't break into one. There is no job prospect immediately. Do a normal job like a bar job? Can't face it (yes I'm pathetic), don't want to, will probably make my long term prospects worse. I try to help myself. I feel like I'm under constant attack in my house when all I want is a cuddle - stupid huh? I woke up today, got dressed - thats not normal for me - ready to face whatever applications I was going to do. Mother criticizes what I was wearing - obviously she thinks shes helping, she doesnt realise what it meant for me to get up and be proactive and get dressed. Started telling me what an idiot I am and how stupid and naive i am about the world of work. stupid woman hasnt worked for 15 years and even then it was hardly anything. i was supposed to go to stay with my auntie for a bit in australia (yes im so lucky blablabla) but then there was some long talk about how i shouldnt go because ill ruin it for everyone else there ill ruin their day everyday because im so horrible to be around, my attitude is wrong (I feel like im under constant attack what do you expect) my mindset is wrong (I've been through a lot I'm trying to find a state where I feel safe). But hey what would change anyway. For maybe two years now I've not really thought I would be able to live much longer. I never made any plans or anything, I always had faith that when it was really time I would know what to do, and find the strength (ha) to do it. I think this is it though. But my uncle has cancer and for what is such a "close knit" family I could not cause such a big fuss and he cares about me a lot (i hide the situation im in as much as i can and stay distant which i hate myself for) and i wouldnt want him to give up. But hypothetically, how would i do it and would it be wrong? Do I plan? Do I pick a day? Do I try to enjoy every day until then in the hope I feel better? Would it be unfair? My dad says however low you feel life will eventually give you opportunities and when those times come around its not good being asleep, or drunk, or high, or stoned... what about dead? What about ready? i cant bear it I dont know how to be or how to think or what to do someone please spoonfeed me. I know I dont live in poverty, I know its just a stupid "middle class nightmare" I know I'm an idiot who doesnt deserve the webspace but I cant stay stood still in this desert so what do i do? How do i carry on? What option is there that i feel i can live with? Do I have the confidence to apply for jobs - not realistically going to get me anywhere at this stagfe with the way i feel. can i carry on without? no, im in too much debt. Can I just hide for a while? no its the same old story. I wish I was a cat, I could just quietly leave when the time came and hide in a bush and die there, and it wouldnt be anyones business. please help.