I´m New - My situation

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by fpl, May 20, 2009.

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  1. fpl

    fpl Member


    I´ve already introduced myself. Nevertheless, I´m fpl and I´m 30.

    First of all, let me say that the reason I´ll state here for my suicidal thoughts may be far less complicated than other reasons of the most of the members here. But quoting Jess:

    "Whether or not the pain is bearable may differ from person to person. What might be bearable to someone else, may not be bearable to you."

    I also want to add that I´m a guy with low self-esteam. I care a lot about physical aspects, beauty, height (mainly this) and social acceptance. I think I´m an obssessive compulsive. Women feedback is of great importance to me. Until today I had a very positive feedback regarding women and sometimes I think that in fact I am an insteresting man, but I wish I was taller (I´m 5´6"). Compliments from women make me feel the greatest, but the oposite makes my feal real, real down. I´m always comparing me with other man.

    My reason is related to love crush. Here´s the story:

    - I had a one year relationship with a woman that I still love, and that is a colegue of mine at my work. She was crazy for me. We had problems and I broke up, because I was sick of some of her behaviours. However, I soon realized that I wanted her back very much and 3 weeks later I told her I wanted to get back to her. During those 3 weeks she got very close to a guy that is our coleague also. Nevertheless, she accepted me back.

    I did everything I could do for her, but she never was the same, in spite of saying that loved me very much and that I was the man she wanted to stay for life. She said she loved me very much, talked about mariage, kids, etc, but was never the same. I did everything I could have done to stay with her, after she accepted me. Believe me!

    So, for one month she was with me and told me she would talk to that guy that was very interested in her that she loved me and that she didn´t want him. During this time she lunched with him, had walks with him and called him often. I was always expecting for her to tell me "I told him I love you and I only want you! Let us make our life together.". After all she was just choosing between me and him. So, one month after accepting me back, she broke up with me very harshly. She was very incorrect with me by doing all this. I keep thinking that she is not the same person I knew when she was with me...

    They are together and I have tho see her every day, and worse of all, I have to see them both. I still love her and she knows it. This is tearing me apart! I´m completly obsessed with this situation, I can´t keep thinking about what they might be doing, I think that he is better than me in everything, etc. I feel I´m a looser! I feel I´m an idiot! I feel guilty, even knowing that she was not correct with me after accepting me back. I blame myself for everything. Sometimes I simply want to die. My last 3 months have been like hell. I often dream with this! It is real, real painfull. I guess I did not deserved what she did to me. Even having broken up first, I always respected her.

    I´m very diferent because of this. I keep way from most of my friends, at night at stay at home, my family is worried about me. I´m seeing a psychiatrist and I´m taking medication for this situation.

    I often think about dying. Many times when I´m at bed, at night, I wish not to wake up in the next morning. I think how to kill myself, but at the same time I think "It´s not fair to my parents to have a son who killed himself. It´s not fair for my brother. It´s not fair to my friends. And, also, it´s not fair for her to know that I commited suicide."

    So, I keep thinking about ways to die that don´t seem that I commited suicide. I wish that a truck comes toward my car while I´m during a trip, I wish to be robbed my criminal and to be killed by them, anything that doesn´t seem like a suicide, just for people not to think I suicide myself.

    But I also think that my family, friends and her don´t deserve my death. I have a great family, very good friends, I have a job, but still, this situation is a lot too painfull to deal with.

    Thanks for reading. I would like to tell me want you think, please.
  2. poisonedresistance

    poisonedresistance Well-Known Member

    hiya! and welcome to the S/f

    i for one believe that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Regless of any physical attribute.

    I hope that you find the will to carry on and see if there is another love waiting around the corner for you!
  3. fpl

    fpl Member

    Thank you!

    I´m having a real painfull situation.

    I think about dying but when I think about my family and friends, I get frustated because I can´t do it because of them. I just don´t do it because of them. I wish I could press a button and die, without no one notice.
  4. hey fpl,

    I have a lot of the same thoughts as you do. I don't want my friends and family to remember me in a negative way. I don't really want to die, i just want the pain to be over.
    I guess the thing to realize is that just thinking and fantasizing about suicide are much different than planning and plotting and tying up loose ends and preparing for it?
    I tend to think my thoughts of killing myself are me telling myself I have a way out if I need it.sort of coping with my issues, it helps to feel there's a way out.

    not sure if that makes sense, but good luck!
  5. Godsdrummer

    Godsdrummer Guest

    Yep I know that feeling.

    But we can't just press that button. And we have that responsibility to our families.

    Also.....suicide is infectious. If you or I actually did the deed...the someone else in our family perhaps someone younger like a sibling or child, will consider that option as well, and perhaps follow in our footsteps. Afterall if it was good enough for us.....

    So...what do we do about this?

    It's not easy....living day by day. Sometimes I have to live hour by hour, just to get thru each day.

    Maybe it would do you good to take sometime off from the stress and pain that has brought you to this point.

    Go for a walk. Notice the things that we so often take for granted. The subtle beauty of a tree. The grace of a bird in flight. The natural beauty of a woman's breast.

    I find thinking about those things helps me to take my mind off of the bad stuff.

    Also try and have something to look forward too. I was actively suicidal approx 8 months ago. One thing that kept me around, was I just knew I had to see the new Star Trek movie.

    Now I have to stick around til August to hear the new KISS album.

    It's a struggle, I know....but there are ways to cope with it.

    Good luck bro!
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