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I’m in pain

Kow

New Member
#1
Ready




It’s only 9 am and I’ve wanted to kill myself 3 times already. I don’t honestly know how much longer I will make it. I’m terrified. But I want to go. I’m fighting with everything I have to stay alive and it’s completely drained the life out of my face. I’ve lost weight. I am having pains everywhere. It pains me to smile. The skin around my eyes has sunk in and has turned slightly grey. I am sick. I need help. But I’m not going to get it because nobody can know what goes on inside of my head. They won’t let me have much freedom at that point. I’ve really been considering checking in a the ward. But I don’t think they would let me out. I know I’m crazy. Zoie is the absolute apple to my eye, and I nit-pick and nag about everything she does because I want her to leave me because I’m an asshole and go become happy again. Therefore I would be alone and nobody could stop me then. I am beginning to believe I radiate some negative energy that depresses people and makes their lives shit. Zoies showed that that’s true. But she is perfect. I hate myself. I’m just so fucked up in my head and I can’t tell if it’s me getting off of that fucking anti-depressant or what but holy fuck it’s a nightmare in my head. I’m also super space cadety and I just feel empty in my brain and Zoie gets mad because I don’t remember/acknowledge/Change/Talk about stuff but it’s so hard for me and she doesn’t cut me any slack. But i guess I deserve it? Doesn’t help me to love myself more but that’s not my goal. I don’t have one. I want to be like how I feel. Like nothing.
Took 10 minutes to type all that and wanted to just fucking die at least 10 more times. It really is getting out of hand.
 

Wispiwill

Well-Known Member
#2
Is there anyone you can talk to - that you trust - about how you feel? You haven't said exactly why you feel this way. What's going on that's making you feel this way? You mention getting off anti-depressants. Is it that? Are you on other meds instead?
 

JDot

J to the Dizzle O to the Tizzle
Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#3
Hi @Kow Sorry you're hurting so much. You'll always have a place here to share your thoughts and feelings. We're here for you. And we're glad to have you here.
 
#4
Sorry that you're going through this Kow

But I don’t think they would let me out. I know I’m crazy
They don't usually keep people for long, especially if you're in the US and there's a limit to how much your insurance will pay
I want her to leave me because I’m an asshole and go become happy again
Zoie gets mad because I don’t remember/acknowledge/Change/Talk about stuff but it’s so hard for me and she doesn’t cut me any slack
If you can bring yourself to do it, maybe you could write her a letter explaining that you're feeling suicidal. Then she'll either leave you, or there'll be a chance to make your relationship better.
 

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