I’m just waiting

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Kairo, Jan 13, 2014.

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  1. Kairo

    Kairo Well-Known Member

    I always feel anxious or emotional. Every time I think of suicide or attempting it, it upsets me so much that I just end up SHing or doing other distractions. I can never settle myself enough or get the clarity of mind to just get it done.
    I feel hopeless. Everything I do feels laborious and meaningless. There’s like a thick, claustrophobic darkness surrounding my head and it stretches far into my future. I can’t see past it. It feels like the best option is to escape from it in any way possible. I used to be able to dream of nice things for myself ...but I can’t even let myself imagine anymore. Even if I were to be able to help my mind, I’ll still always have this shitty body. I’ll always be sick in some way. I hate myself and how unnecessary I am to everyone who was supposed to love me.
    So now I’ve realized, I’m just waiting. I know I wont be able to bring myself to attempt when I’m in one of those tearful hysterias. So I’m just waiting for one of those rare, wonderful moments where my decision is accompanied by that strange kind of calmness and sense of purpose. Now that I’ve realized that that’s the moment I’m waiting for, I’m more afraid that I’m actually going to do it, and not let it slip by. But at the same time, I don’t care, and feel sickly excited for when it comes.

    This was quite the rant lol
     
  2. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    i can relate to the feeling you express and as such i do not know how to comfort you adequately other than to say i am always here to talk to if you want.... do you have any kind of distractions or have you tried any kind of things to help .... diet changes, aromatherapy, visualization, music therapy, arts, crafts, hobbies, medication, therapy sessions.... etc?
     
  3. Ima.robot

    Ima.robot Senior Member

    :hugtackles:
     
  4. Kairo

    Kairo Well-Known Member

    I haven’t tried anything like that dawn. I feel like maybe I’ll be able to ask for help in the mental health department soon. I hope I can. I guess I don’t have much to lose.
     
  5. LostInPain

    LostInPain Well-Known Member

    I know exactly how you feel, sour. Your words could easily be mine. I'm sorry... :hug:
     
  6. Kairo

    Kairo Well-Known Member

    I’m sorry to know there are other’s who feel the same way. Maybe if we can hope the best for each other we can hope the best for ourselves somehow.
    Dunno if that makes sense lol... But my thoughts are with you all.
     
  7. LostInPain

    LostInPain Well-Known Member

    Pulling for you too, sour.
     
  8. SuicideSam

    SuicideSam Banned Member

    Pulling for you as well Sour, i know how difficult it can be.

    Stay safe and stay strong.
     
  9. Kairo

    Kairo Well-Known Member

    These feelings are just getting stronger. I don’t know what to do with them. I wish I had never had surgery, or even gone to the doctors...I should have just let myself be ignorant. Then maybe all of this depression and anxiety hadn’t been allowed to bubble to the surface again.
     
  10. scaryforest

    scaryforest Banned Member

    darkness is grim, where did the light go? when did the light go?
     
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