• Please read the thread in Forum News and Announcements pertaining to race related discussion on SF - thank you :)

I’m objectively a terrible human being, and the weight of my errors and shame is consuming me.

#1
Good evening,

My name is Gary, I’m 19, and today I finally came to grips with something I’ve always known. I’m a shitty person, and nothing can ever undo my actions. To know me is to be constantly lied to, and my connection with reality is tenuous at best. Most days I’m barely aware of who I am, drifting around on autopilot, telling the same shitty lies over and over again. The pain is constant. Not only to myself, but especially to those who are close to me. I can’t begin to tell you my whole story here and I don’t want to either. However, to help you understand where I’m coming from and how I got here I will give you some key details and events . Some of it is disturbing, but it’s my story so owning it is a must.

A bit of background:

I grew up with my maternal great-grandparents (grandmother’s parents) after my mom relapsed on methamphetamines in 2005. Nobody knows who my dad is except her, and he didn’t even stick around for the news she was pregnant. So half my family was gone before I was more little more than a clump of cells. She never made a real attempt to regain custody, and ended up having two children with someone else, essentially leaving me behind and moving on with her life. My mom’s mom lived with us too. She’s the black sheep of my family for a variety of reasons, and her role as an outcast is well deserved, but that’s another story all together. My whole family is just really fucking broken to say the least. Toxicity, abuse, cover-ups, you name it. And I was placed in the middle of it all, expected to make sense of a terrible situation.

But this isn’t supposed to be a sob story about how I’m the victim in all of this. Although it’s hard not to feel like collateral damage from a messy situation that existed far before my life started. My home was, and still is, extremely strict and overbearing. Coupled with rampant mental and emotional abuse (which has gotten less extreme as my folks have gotten into their mid to upper 80’s). I learned at a young age that lying not only deflected violent verbal outbursts, it allowed me to break away from the controlling environment I lived in. It kept me safe and essentially put me in control of most situations that would arise. It eventually became easier to lie about literally everything than to tell the truth. Which naturally progressed to theft.

My personal possessions would get constantly gone through and I started doing the same thing to them. My excuse was always “Well they did it to me, so it’s fine to do it to them. They crossed the line first.” Obviously it isn’t, and regardless of what they did, what I did was wrong and objectively worse. My theft was innocuous at first, small items nobody would really miss. It eventually led to stealing money for drugs, and eventually prescribed painkillers. It started bleeding into my other relationships. Family members, neighbors, friends. I stole from all of them, and lied to their face with a grin afterwards. I was able to act as if nothing had ever happened, by and large most of them still don’t know. I’ve always questioned my gender identity as well, and this eventually led me to stealing some undergarments from a couple female relatives, and one of my neighbors as well. I used my amphetamine and psychedelic abuse as an excuse for this at the time, but it wasn’t one at all. This one in particular haunts me the most, because insane and depraved doesn’t begin to describe what I did. I still can’t fully explain it.

The peak of all of that was about a year ago, but it follows me to this day. Constant guilt, shame, regret, self-loathing, and a pervasive desire to just end it all. I can never come clean about this. I still rummage through my great-grandparents things out of habit, but I wouldn’t take anything if I found it, I hope. It’s partially an impulse control problem.

On top of this insane behavior (theft, drug abuse, constant irrational lies), I was maintaining the facade of a normal life. I had a regular friend group, participated in drama and band at school, even had a job and volunteered places. Nobody really knew the extent of my sins, and the facade continues to this day. But it’s starting to slip. I’ve lied and tried to manipulate a close friend of mine into sleeping with me, even pretending to be in love with her over the summer. She recently cut me off, which is best for the both of us. I don’t want to hurt anymore than I already have. My current girlfriend is convinced I’m some one-of-a-kind, wonderful guy. She doesn’t know I based our entire relationship of off lies. In fact, most of my relationships are. People are starting to get sick of me, and I keep alienating myself to accelerate the process. I want them all to hate my name, so that when I die, people will be relieved to see me go.

I just keep hurting important people in my life, and harming myself similar. I keep abandoning those close to me in exchange for immediate gratification. I keep lying unflinchingly to maintain the facade of normalcy. And sometimes the scariest part is, I really don’t care about the pain I cause other people. I just care about myself, how they’ll perceive me, what’ll happen to me in the end. I’m going to kill myself, because I’m too toxic to function and too stubborn to change. I just want to be free from my mistakes. I just want to die.
 

Champagne

✯✯ Heart of an angel ✯✯
Staff Alumni
SF Supporter
#3
Ok. I have read this thread more than a couple of times Gary. You seem to have done some things you aren't guilty about but at the same time volunteered and helped people and things like that. At 19, this behaviour is erratic, not the ''norm'' and I think you need to get immediate help from a psychologist to unearth why you are doing these things. There HAS to be something behind it all??

Please get a psych evaluation and get into understanding why you are feeling the way you are feeling and then of course on to recovery. We are not here to judge you by any means, just support so don't be afraid to keep reaching out ok? You have plenty of time to turn things around for the better and start living the life you want to live, a life worth living *hug
 

BlueGreen

Well-Known Member
#4
What a fucking self pitying loser. Grow the fuck up and take some fucking personal responsibility for once in your pathetic fucking life. Absolutely hopeless.
Hi Gary and welcome. I hope you find it helps to write things out and get it out there. Please don't speak to yourself like that, whatever you have done you don't deserve that. Your words are those of someone who is a victim - no child can cope with that upbringing and not turn that hate onto themselves. Separate yourself and what you think of yourself from what your family have done to you. The past is in the past as far as your mistakes are concerned, the damage they have done to you is what you need to deal with. There is a decent human being in there. It will take a lot of work but please do get help if you can. You don't have to let the family ruin the rest of your life.
 
#5
Sorry that you're going through this Gary.
What a fucking self pitying loser. Grow the fuck up and take some fucking personal responsibility for once in your pathetic fucking life. Absolutely hopeless.
Please be gentle with yourself. It sounds like you're just doing the best you can under difficult circumstances.

You may have a lot of problems, but it doesn't make you a terrible person.
I’ve always questioned my gender identity as well
You may be able to find some transgender community online or IRL that could help you feel more comfortable about this.

Just about anything is better than a suicide attempt. I wonder if you could go someplace else and try starting again?
 

JDot

J to the Dizzle O to the Tizzle
Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#6
Hey @RunninNGunninSD I don't believe you're a bad person. If you were a bad person, you wouldn't feel any kind of guilt. You learned to lie to protect yourself and that turned into other things. It sounds like your upbringing has caused you a lot of harm. I hope you get the help you need. You'll always have a place here at SF to share your thoughts and feelings. We're here for you. And we're glad to have you here.
 

Please Donate to Help Keep SF Running

Total amount
$50.00
Goal
$255.00
Top