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I’m so tired

Arisamela

Well-Known Member
#1
Hi
I just really needed to talk to someone about the way I feel . I have this one huge issue and I’m starting my therapy on 26th Of August but I need to write it down. So I am adopted and I’ve never felt weird about that or sad or anything. But I think that it’s been almost a year since I can’t remember any good emotions towards my mom. I love her and when I have good days I really feel it. She raised me alone and she’s the most important person to me. But sometimes I have those we call “aggression attacks” like I loose control. I don’t really remember what I said and sometimes I even want to hit my mom (I did it twice). I don’t remember it though. It’s like an emptiness in my head . And then I remember her saying that I don’t love her if I don’t clean up or that she is a smoker because of me or the moment when we would fight and she would say that she doesn’t even want to look at me and she doesn’t want me to touch her and that my apology means shit( I was really young when she started saying those) and it just flips me. And I always tell her that I hate her and that I’ll kill her and I get into this rage and it lasts like an hour and then it’s gone. And I feel so bad about doing that. I just want to forgive my mom everything (and those arent that bad of the things) but I keep remembering them and feeling so hurt I can’t take it. Tomorrow is my birthday and yesterday I had a fight with her and she’s not mad and she said she understands it and that she is sure that the therapy will help but I’m still feeling so shitty I want to die. I know I won’t be able to make those memories vanish from her mind . And I hate myself for that. I want to start over with no regrets and no guilt or anything bad .
 

Dante

SF Supporter
#2
From the sounds of it she hurt you badly when you were very young, still forming really, and those memories just wont die because they helped form you, so why is it so wrong to leave her with a few bad memories whilst youre working through it. She sounds like she is a better person now, but she must understand she caused this. If you want a good relationship with her, sure, get therapy, but dont blame yourself for something that so obviously sounds like left-over damage from bad parenting.
 
#3
I want to start over with no regrets and no guilt or anything bad
It sounds like you want practical advice on how to repair or deal with your relationship with your mom, but it also sounds like maybe you just wanted to talk about how you feel. Can you clarify?
 

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