I almost did it last night

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by sani2218, Sep 1, 2014.

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  1. sani2218

    sani2218 Member

    I wish I had everything in order so I can just end it all. I can't stand the mental and physical pain any longer. I have to wait for insurance papers and for my partners daughter to come for a visit. I don't want my partner to be alone. She is coming for a visit at the end of this month. The waiting is so hard. I had the pills in my hand last night and it was very hard to put them down. Please let the time go by quickly.
     
  2. sani2218

    sani2218 Member

    I am going to write a note tonight. I'm ready for this all to be over
     
  3. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    What's brought you to this point? Hope you'll reach out, talk about why you're feeling this way.
     
  4. sani2218

    sani2218 Member

    My motives are purely selfish. I hurt so much both mentally and physically. It's unbearable. I take a lot of meds for psych and physical but nothing is even touching the surface. I fight the voices everyday. They tell me what a horrible person I am and I don't deserve to live. I believe them. I don't want to hurt anymore. Physically, i have a lot of painfulp problems from severe diabetes to neuropathy and amputations. I live on painkillers.
    I am a burden to my family and I love them enough to relieve them of their misery (me)
    I just found out that I may not have to wait to long. I can't stand this pain any longer.
    Thank you for your interest in my story.
     
  5. sani2218

    sani2218 Member

    I picked up the painkillers again and opened the jar. Please let this stop. Hopefully the insurance papers willget here this week and then this will end. I want my familynto be free of any financial burdens to bury me. That's why I ha. To wait. I am donating my body to scscience so I need the approval paper's thenall will be in order. I am counting the days.
     
  6. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    I also feel like a burden and I often have to take painkillers too. I really am sorry you feel this way, but it's important that you keep reaching out, get a counsellor and talk to someone, anyone! 'cos even if you do feel like a burden there is a purpose for everyone!
     
  7. sani2218

    sani2218 Member

    I have talked to therapists, counselors and etc my whole life. I can work the system. I go in these appointments with the attitude that I will come clean and and tell them all about the suicidal feelings I deal with. I always end up telling them what they want to hear "everythings fine" I'm good at pretending and they can't tell the difference. The system doesnt work for me.
    I can't talk to friends and family because I don't want anyone stopping me. I'm just tired and I'm ready to go.
     
  8. sani2218

    sani2218 Member

    I have been thinking that I might follow in Robin Williams footsteps. They say pills don,t work
     
  9. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Please do not do anything of the sort hun. I really am sorry you are feeling so down. Talking helps, relaxation techniques, lots of positive, motivational videos on youtube too. Also, I find helping others is therapeutic for me :) No matter what is going on for you honey, suicide is NEVER the answer. Never. Ring the samaritans, they are awesome and so helpful. If you are in immediate danger, please ring or go to the crisis team, hosptal, doctor. You matter. :hug:
     
  10. sudut

    sudut Well-Known Member

    Please sani don't do it. nomatter how much pain you are going through, just hang on and be strong.
     
  11. blinkingLED

    blinkingLED New Member

    Please, give us a chance to help you before you do anything. :( If you came here to tell us about this, it probably means that there is still something in you that doesn't want to do this. I know *I* don't want you to hurt yourself. I may not know you and you may not know me, but I feel extremely sympathetic towards you.
     
  12. sani2218

    sani2218 Member

    Things are starting to fall into place. The paperwork has arrived and my daughter will be here at the beginning of next month. I just have to wait a little longer.
    Thank you to everyone who has written to me. I wish that you were really in my life because things might be different. I do have the Lord with me. I feel that he is calling me home. I look forward to sitting on His lap and sharing a cuddle.
     
  13. blinkingLED

    blinkingLED New Member

    sani, how old are you? How old is your daughter? If she is young, this is going to be especially devastating to her. Even if she's an adult now, the pain will still be great. Please think about this, you might be in the most horrendous pain right now but surely you would do anything for your daughter, wouldn't you?
     
  14. snogo

    snogo Well-Known Member

    sani, I can feel you are in great pain. It is also very possible your daughter can sense your suffering, no matter her age.

    You are someone who loves her family very much. Please do not choose to go in this way. For even though your note may explain things as well you could possibly muster, the mental and emotional pain that your daughter would have to go through is very likely to be lifelong - unless she is guided at the right moment to recognise what she is going through and seek appropriate treatment.

    I pray that you will find the help you need.

    Please continue to post here while considering the type of help you need.
     
  15. sani2218

    sani2218 Member

    Yes, my daughter is an adult and she will feel the pain but she has a terrific support system. They will see her through this. I have been a horrible mother to her and she barely acknowledges that I am alive. She is going to visit me because I want to get my affairs in order. I guess it's not as bad as it sounds. Wedo love each other but we are from two different planets. It will be great to see her one last time.
     
  16. snogo

    snogo Well-Known Member

    I was thinking about what you said for the past few days and here I am.

    Let's imagine I'm your daughter/son.

    How would I react if for whatever reason I get to hear what's really on your mind...

    Oh dear, my mother acknowledges that we do love each other but has little belief that our love cannot support her in any way to manage her pain. Why did she feel this way? In what way can I change through words and body language to show her that because I love her as both my mother and a fellow human being, I want to try to do something for her.

    Can you also try to imagine what you would say to your daughter if you knew her to be in such pain?

    What would you say to her if she also said what you are saying here to us? Please take your time to reflect on this carefully. It will not take away your pain, but it will help you to see things from the other side.

    In the meanwhile, take care.
    :hug1:
     
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