This is going to sound crazy, but my eyes are open now. I almost died today. Not by suicide attempt. I almost died in an accident. I was riding a four wheeler (the sport ATV kind) recklessly through the woods down a trail at top speed today... when I didn't see a mudhole coming up and in the highest gear, topped out I hit that hole and flipped upside down with the four wheeler into a set of trees. It happened so fast and I didn't seperate from the four wheeler because my foot got caught on the engine area and it burned my leg up from the heat. I don't know how many times it flipped or anything... but I remember that as it was happening I had an urgent fear of death and a sudden will to live that I've not felt in a long while. Suddenly I realized that all that depression and everything else that is wrong with my life is only a bump in the road. There's lots of smooth sailing, but you could hit a horrible hole in the road and crash hard. The thing is... I got up. My leg is badly burned and I hurt my arm pretty bad but I don't think I broke it. I got flung into a set of trees and thorn bushes so I'm cut up and I'm bruised all over. But I'm alive and ok and walking around. So I realized that things are going to be ok. The worst of it comes and goes and things DO get better. Just feeling that feeling of "OH NO I DON'T WANT TO DIE" was the most refreshing thing in the world. I realized that as bad as things are I don't want to die. It was out of hopelessness for things getting better. But the only thing that makes sure of it that nothing will get better is cutting off the chance. ... this wreck put me in a much better mindset than I have been in a long time and I just wanted to share the experience. I feel very much at peace and relaxed at the moment. Maybe it will pass once I get healed up and some time has gone by, but at this moment I feel excited at the chance of what things may come. Good things. And to think it all happened only days after I found this place and felt like I was at the bottom of the barrel and the end of my rope. Incredible.