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I Almost Died Today...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by fixmein45, Jul 24, 2007.

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  1. fixmein45

    fixmein45 Member

    This is going to sound crazy, but my eyes are open now.

    I almost died today. Not by suicide attempt. I almost died in an accident. I was riding a four wheeler (the sport ATV kind) recklessly through the woods down a trail at top speed today... when I didn't see a mudhole coming up and in the highest gear, topped out I hit that hole and flipped upside down with the four wheeler into a set of trees. It happened so fast and I didn't seperate from the four wheeler because my foot got caught on the engine area and it burned my leg up from the heat. I don't know how many times it flipped or anything... but I remember that as it was happening I had an urgent fear of death and a sudden will to live that I've not felt in a long while.

    Suddenly I realized that all that depression and everything else that is wrong with my life is only a bump in the road. There's lots of smooth sailing, but you could hit a horrible hole in the road and crash hard. The thing is...

    I got up. My leg is badly burned and I hurt my arm pretty bad but I don't think I broke it. I got flung into a set of trees and thorn bushes so I'm cut up and I'm bruised all over. But I'm alive and ok and walking around.

    So I realized that things are going to be ok. The worst of it comes and goes and things DO get better.

    Just feeling that feeling of "OH NO I DON'T WANT TO DIE" was the most refreshing thing in the world. I realized that as bad as things are I don't want to die. It was out of hopelessness for things getting better. But the only thing that makes sure of it that nothing will get better is cutting off the chance.

    ... this wreck put me in a much better mindset than I have been in a long time and I just wanted to share the experience. I feel very much at peace and relaxed at the moment. Maybe it will pass once I get healed up and some time has gone by, but at this moment I feel excited at the chance of what things may come. Good things.

    And to think it all happened only days after I found this place and felt like I was at the bottom of the barrel and the end of my rope. Incredible.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 24, 2007
  2. expressive_child

    expressive_child Well-Known Member

    Wow...sounds like you are awaken by the accident or something. I wish something like that can happen to me wake me up from my misery and realize what is wrong with me. I hope more people will read this thread though, it could be some kind of inspiration..
  3. yeh.

    yeh. Well-Known Member

    YEP- i've had also some near death experiences..as you say sometimes the feelings come back. like, suddenly you see yourself with hope. or say 'of course'
    honest i've lost the drive to kill myself, but i've got a death wish. and i just feel so fucking lonely..is just the melancholy that is just so fucking stupid. that's why i hate fucking death rockstars, i dont know if its envy or simply lost of respect. like ok, you died young..so what? yes no one saw you fucking old. so what? i even despise virginia woolf, i think is envy, or a feeling of what the fuck? you want to be a fucking martyr?? i dont give a SHIT. so anyways. idk what to say i feel like i've faded out, and sometimes i think i just reborned. i mean it's not like im a teenager anymore or a kid, so what? i might find love, and i might have a dog (i got three) still this shit haunts you IMO, that's why i come back here. to vent stupid stuff.

    i always wonder how life somewhere else would be? like driving a car at top speed, or what does americans think, and we're all just humans. even though i do hate americans coming to my airport, fucking spoiled bitches. (i think i just would like to tap those asses) this fucking shyness.

    Anyways It's your thread. anyways i've GTG. idk what to say. i remember a NDE, in which it was a eternal place...fucking NO TIME, everything in ONE PAUSED SHIT, and it wasn't so good..IT WAS A BLACK SHIT, and i felt like 'oh no, wtf i miss the idiots' And i came back just to feel 'damn, i should've stayed' fucking ambivalence.

    Or other Time where i felt the death closing in, a fucking shadow..and i saod 'ok you mutherfcuekr come get me, you son of bitch'..then i felt it and i was like..'wait wait wait..hold on'...and then i was like.. 'ok...now'..and then the Death gave me shit. pftt. IDK. anyfuckingways.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 24, 2007
  4. fixmein45

    fixmein45 Member

    All I realized was that if it ends today it can't get better. And because I want so badly for it to get better, I was scared of losing the chance. Which was refreshing, because when your suicidal your in control of when it happens... I had no control... I thought it was coming and I thought this was really the end. And when it wasn't. I was very happy to be alive!
  5. yeh.

    yeh. Well-Known Member

    And better things will come..we just got to work it out..perseverance beats the shit out of looks and talent, thanks for share. YEH:

    i think going to classes of jiujitziu or some shit liek that helps, you let oit the rage (which is depression) wehn we're like yeah it's alright suddenly you feel fucking rage cause it's not, so i better beat the shit out of some couches;

    anyways i agree, with expressive child. it's not like death will be so good if we haven't at least TRIED, NOT EVEN TRIED, AT LEAST DONE IT.

    there's so many things we can do so our fucking chemicals get ok. SPORTS, WOMEN, WORK; ISOLATION IT'S NO GOOD. SO BETTER TO WORK THAN STAY. ALSO SYMPATHY HAS DONE SHIT WITH ME, SO FUCK IT:

    AND IF IM ALIVE IS SO YOU CAN SEE ALL THIS CRAP; Anyways, thanks for share it's not like i'm alright, however who the fuck is alright? DEATH will have to wait *walks away and gets shot*
  6. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    That's pretty inspiring. Thankfully i've never really taken life for granted. I've always been aware of how great life can potentially be and that what i'm going through is nothing compared to others. Off course no one deserves to suffer but some people have extreme misfortunes.

    Anyways thanks for sharing, hope this inspires others to live life and although you shouldn't ignore the pain you go through. I guess the point is to never give up.
  7. Random

    Random Well-Known Member

    I once had what I guess would be called a near death experience. I'm hoping the mods will tolerate a bit of hinting at what caused it because it's pretty important to the story.

    Let's just say that it was an experiment that ended with me being unconscious. It wasn't even an attempt (although it came pretty close to killing me and it would have looked like a deliberate suicide). So I remember, even as I was losing consciousness, thinking "Oh shit! I'm dying!". I was pretty fortunate. I'm not even sure how I got out of it but I did, somehow.

    At the time, I wasn't really suicidal. It was just me being my usual curious self and doing something incredibly stupid. What I can say for sure is unconsciousness doesn't guarantee you don't feel anything. It was a bizarre and terrifying experience. Kinda like being stuck between this world and something unexplainable. I didn't feel like a person. I was my usual self but I didn't know who I was. There were voices and somehow, I knew everything that was happening to me, even though I had no control over my body.

    It was freaky and it was lightening fast. And I woke up on the floor sometime later completely disoriented (I don't know how long). It took me a while to realize that I almost died because it seems that some of what occurred immediately before and after got basically deleted from my mind. And once I came to my senses, I realized how microscopic the line between life and death actually is. I was a lot younger then so it didn't really hit me or strike me as particularly profound at the time. I think about it now with a sort of strange fascination. I'm glad I survived but boy was that weird!
  8. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Thank you for sharing your experience with us. Sometimes it does take something that threatens your life to realize, despite the pain of depression, you really do want to live. If you find your self sinking back into that hole, remember what you felt like after the accident. The feeling of relief that you were still alive. The feeling of hope that someday things may change for the better. Whatever you do, don't give up. This may be the only chance at life you get.
  9. I've always said I may need to have some tragic near death experience in order to gain an appreciation for life.

    I'm sure it's safe to assume that most of us don't really want to die, we just want things to change. But when change seems so out of reach, death seems like the next best thing.

    Anyway, I'm glad you only ALMOST died today. :hug:
  10. swimmergirl

    swimmergirl Well-Known Member

    Life can turn on a dime. You learned a valuable lesson today, one that I am sure you will not forget.

    If your world gets dark again, go back and read your posts to remind yourself of how lucky you are to be alive!

    I am glad you are safe and survived the accident today, you are very lucky.
  11. Random

    Random Well-Known Member

    How about when you're afraid of change (to the point of feeling physically ill about it)? That is, when you don't ever want things to change but you know they will. That can be just as upsetting, I think.
  12. oifdsgjo

    oifdsgjo New Member

    out of everything i have read on here, this has seemed to help me more than any of it. thank you
  13. fixmein45

    fixmein45 Member

    I reread my post from July... and I'm feeling suicidal again, and it did make me feel a little better. But I'm still hurting inside.
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