I always feeling alone and down

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Marti2003, Mar 27, 2011.

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  1. Marti2003

    Marti2003 Well-Known Member

    Hello,

    This is my first post in this forum...

    It is not easy, but almost my whole life things are not going how they suppose to be. There are a lot of things bothering my mind and nowadays I feel even more negative then before. I known my happy periods, but somehow they always takes a short time, like I never can go all the way...

    As for now, I am now 31, I am jobless, I have not a lot of friends, the friends I have are mostly busy or have their own things... I just do not fit it that... I never really had a girlfriend, but that changed some 1,5 year ago, but even that it cannot get along. She is living in a other country in Asia, and she is also always working and busy with her family then with me. We rarely talk and when we do, we can have our arguements... Last year August I met her for the first time in real. All went well and I was happy, but only partly ofcourse... She had to work mostly when I was there, so we could not spend all the time... that is okay, so then I can see her country... But for now, we still together, but it is not really a realtionship, she is also not used to it and I think she do not know how to deal with it... Her family is also far more important then me... But if I ask her for her support, because I feel down, cuz of my being alone and of my jobless situation, she says I need be strong and have to accept... but for her easy to say...

    How I can be positive if everything never work out fully... it is like I am running a marathon, but when I am almost arriving at the finish line, I feel that I being pulled back and never reach that finish, but I wanna reach it so bad :( I try to accept my situation, but it is so difficult... I cannot do nothing, I am always feeling alone, nothing I can do with someone, not even with my girlfriend...not even give a hug :( I hate this way and I feel I have no purpose anymore... I have so many things, even bought last my first HD tv, but even that cannot make me happy anymore... I thought it would, but only thing it can make is to be with someone, like with my girlfriend... but everything seems so impossible....
    Also with work, I try my best to find something, but I dunno what I can do... I had serval interviews, but it always turn into nothing... I know it is not easy, for no one, but I need something... I need something positive, something that can make me happy... But I am always on my own and have to do by myself.. always alone in my room :(
    And have so many thought about making a ending, what does it matter and would really people missing me... maybe my family... it sounds selfish, but why I have to live with this, always this pain and always feeling down and crying :( Life is not fun anymore, I am too nice for this world. I do not fit in this cruel world, cuz that's what it is.....

    Thanks for reading
     
  2. lostbutnotfound

    lostbutnotfound Well-Known Member

    Hi Marti
    Firstly, welcome to SF. I'm glad you have found us and I hope you keep continuing to post.

    How long have you been jobless for? I know it sucks not having a job, and I'm sorry you have been unable to find one so far, but please keep looking. Where are you from? I'm from the UK and here we have services to help the unemployed find jobs.. is there anything like that where you are? I know it must be really frustrating for you, but all you can do is keep trying. Many people here will understand this problem, so feel free to post more about it.

    As for your friends, do you make the effort with them? I know that might sound kinda stupid, but when someone is depressed they usually find it difficult to interact with friends, leaving those friends at a loss as to what to do for the best. Can you explain to them you need people around you, and make a day to go out and do something with your friends? Maybe go to the cinema, or football, or bowling or just down the pub, whatever interests you. If you reach out to them, and they are real friends, I am sure they will respond.

    Long distance relationships are always hard. Take a long hard look at it.. do you really love your girlfriend, or are you with her because the thought of not being in a relationship upsets you? Things won't work out if you don't really love each other. If you do want to make it work, you need to really explain to her about how you feel. Not just about the rest of your life, but about the relationship you have. Explain how down you feel, and that you don't feel important to her, or supported by her. She can't change her ways if she doesn't know they need to be changed.

    I totally understand that things seem completely unbearable to you, and it is so hard to continually feel this way, but please don't give up hope. Loneliness is one of the worst feelings in the world, but as I said if you try and interact with your friends and your girlfriend and really explain what is going on for you, I hope that things will get easier for you. I hope they will understand that you need support. You said you spend all your time in your room, please try and get out a bit. A walk a day so you at least see people. Maybe until you find a job you can do some volunteer work somewhere? That could be beneficial to you and it would give you something to do, somewhere to go.

    Suicide isnt the answer. I really hope that things can get better for you. If you are having suicidal thoughts please go and see a doctor. Maybe medication can help give you a little lift so you feel more able to continue, and work through your pain. You have said about your family missing you if you were to go, try and hold on to that. You have people who do care. And can you talk to your family about how you feel?

    Please keep posting and letting us know what is going on for you. Take care :arms:
     
  3. Marti2003

    Marti2003 Well-Known Member

    Thanks...

    I live in Holland and they also have services to help you, and I try to ask them for help, but from now they really did not assist me to help me. It is really a disaster, they do nothing and if you make an appointment with them and when you are there and ask for advise, then they are wondering what I am doing there... it is like they do not want to help me, like I am one of the thousand that search a job :(

    It is really difficult to search for me, i having a hard time with it. I wished there was something. I even try find something I can do below my education... i try, but it makes me down every day...

    About my friends, they always busy and have their own things. I try to contact them and all or stay in contact, but it is like I am the one who is trying. If I do not do that then they will really forget me.... It makes me sad that I am always doing the effort to stay in contact, trying hard to maintan that, but it is just a waste. Then I ask we have to meet soon and drink a beer, then they say yes... but it stay like that and hear nothing about it anymore. I am not that important I think. I am just a bothering extra weight to them :(

    With my gf, well we still talking now... i explain many things to he, but I do not think she ever fully understands me... I know she loves me... I just try stay normal and see...

    But I really need someone,someone that can make me laugh, cheering me up, put a arm around me and tell me that everything is going to be alright... i need support, but nothing :(

    Thanks again...
     
  4. Marti2003

    Marti2003 Well-Known Member

    A positive adding, tomorrownight I will have a talk with a friend.. will go to his house... soo finally... hope he can also make me pointing out the right direction again...
    But for now I feel really down, feeling sad about the matters with my gf :( i love her so much and not want to loose her, I want to fight for her and I will... she is the one I am living for....

    Thanks...
     
  5. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Is she asian?? That would explain why she is so close to her family.. In there culture family is everything.. It's tough being in along distance relationship.. Sure you have feelings for each other but you also need the touch of your partner.. Maybe you should look closer to home and just be friends with your GF..
     
  6. Marti2003

    Marti2003 Well-Known Member

    The reason I look beyond the borders is that I cannot find someone here, in my 31 years I never really had a gf and she is actually my first gf... if I loose her , I will also loose hope for finding someone here. I know the things are not that way and its difficult to accept, but she means a lot to me and even it does not working out, I need this hope that we will be together one day... This is my only hope I will be happy with someone in the future, otherwise I will loose all the hope...
     
  7. Marti2003

    Marti2003 Well-Known Member

    I have been at that friend yesterdaynight... talk mostly about my working situation and some other talking. Gave advise and trying to give me thoughts what I maybe can do. I was not fully open with everything, I couldn't... some things I said about my things...
    I said that I feel bad and all. I did not wanted to be to much of bothering, though he said it was not the case. Still you feel unconfortable, but is maybe normal.
    It is nice he offer his time for me and trying to give me comfort... I was feeling better, but still not fully. Things are still the same, it is up to me to go on and change some things. Only it is so difficult... glad there is someone, I try keep that in mind... i try to stay strong, but I feel emotional now and nervous, but thats because of my gf things...

    I try my best and stay focussed to not loosing my mind... Only it is so difficult to come out these feelings. I am afraid of loosing...

    Thanks
     
  8. Marti2003

    Marti2003 Well-Known Member

    Sigh I cannot help it, but nothing works to make me feeling better :( i wanna feel good, but I stay with this damn feeling :((
     
  9. lachrymose27

    lachrymose27 Well-Known Member

    you should go to therapy. you can divulge your feelings to the therapist and they may offer some good sensible advice.
     
  10. Marti2003

    Marti2003 Well-Known Member

    I have been to a pschychologist a few years ago, but it did not help me at all, I know it can be that person, but for me it was a waste. It is like ur a number and you are one of the many... I just need things to work out for me now, something I can build on. It is like everything I do or decide goes wrong, never it can go alright. Everyone have things that can not going their way and dissapointments are always there, but for me is this always... maybe I have a high demand for things, but why I cannot wish for that. Some things are not too much to ask... I just want that things work out for me now. Not that at the end all breaks down again, what normally is with me...

    Thanks... i understand, but wish i was stronger
     
  11. Marti2003

    Marti2003 Well-Known Member

    I wanna be away from here, i want to go now, i cannot take it anymore, everything is against me, :((
     
  12. Florence

    Florence Antiquities Friend

    I know how you are feeling .... hang in there and talk to me ... PM if you like
     
  13. majorlynch

    majorlynch Active Member

    Hey Marti2003,

    What your considering is pretty drastic, would you be prepared to make sure drastic changes in your life first?

    There are ways to solve the problems you are having now, perhaps you should try them.

    Your friends for instance, 31 is a tricky age as you may have to let go of friends you knew in school and college, especially if they have a family.
    This is a natural thing and it happens to everyone. You should try to make new friends, try a night course in something you are interested in.
    This would let you meet people.

    Also, I know your relationship with your girlfriend is important, but you may want to consider that at a time like this a close partner would be more preferable.
    I'm not saying you should break up with her, but consider the possibility of meeting someone in your city or local area.

    As for nothing ever working out for you. You could consider forgetting or not dwelling on the past. Its very hard but its possible to accept what has happened before and not allow it to taint your future.

    Its a new world each minute and you don't need to carry the past around like a block on your back if you don't want to.

    Take care.
     
  14. Endlessagony

    Endlessagony Well-Known Member

    This is true, I'm 28 and I really only have 1 friend left from my school days (and another who is more of an acquaintance really). I used to beat myself up about this, then I got lucky and found a bunch of new friends from my job. But I definitely know that feeling and it can be horrible, just try to hang in there.

    I would also suggest that you find a night course where you can meet people. Just pick anything that involves social interaction and you'll automatically increase your chances to make friends. People tend to be pretty open at these so they'll also accept new people into their lives more easily.
     
  15. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    If you love her and she loves you then why not ask her to marry you>?>?>
     
  16. Marti2003

    Marti2003 Well-Known Member

    Thank you all for your reply.

    Well all my friends I know are from my old work or friends from friends... i know they have their own life and that they have their things, but it is only difficult to see that they are planning their life and have so many activities to do. I know I can find my own, like a course I can do, for what I interest. I have to look what I can do, but it is difficult. Many ideas I get, I need to see how to fill them in.

    For me is difficult to find new friends, I am not the typical social guy. Not that I can be shy, but for me is hard to make a conversation... I try it all. I need a buddy or something, someone I can rely on, have a talk or just go out....
    I just feel useless, nothing to do, no plans... i hope I get some job soon, i need it really...

    Maybe I live in the past, and i need to build a new one, but how, it is already difficult to mantain it. I always need to pull hard to make something happen, I do, but why so hard. I really envy the people I know they have their things to do. Sure they have probs too and unhappy times, but they are always busy, such a busy life... I just wished my agenda was full of plans :(

    About my gf, yeah it is almost impossible... most impossible is to meet a girl for me, I never met a girl to date or what... how can I hope I will meet someone soon. I am 31, can I not be unpatient now, not as people say, time will come... but when? When I am 80? It is just difficult to meet someone, even as meeting new friends...

    To marry her... well I asked her, but I was too soon and for me too... I will ask her again to marry me when I meet her again... I really hope I can go to her this year... I try to plan it.... but I hope our relationship gets better...

    Thanks again (I hope I write it good, cuz my English is not best)
     
  17. Marti2003

    Marti2003 Well-Known Member

    Everyone is ignoring me, like im no one :(

    I cannot take any longer, people always hanging me :( i feel end coming soon
     
  18. MisterBGone

    MisterBGone Well-Known Member

    Hi. I just wanted to say that I think I know what you are going through, because I feel the exact same way. I don't have any easy answers for you, probably because there aren't any easy answers. What I do know based upon what you've said right here is that you seem to be a very good human being. And I wish you some sort of happiness sooner than soon.
     
  19. Marti2003

    Marti2003 Well-Known Member

    Thank you... yeah I think I am too nice and people use that.. I want say many things, but now I really want my head clear, but so difficult... I feel I need to run, to go from here, to go away, but it will always follow me :( I dunno anymore, i always make same mistakes or wrong decisions... why , what i do wrong :( I mean no harm, I do my best :(
     
  20. Marti2003

    Marti2003 Well-Known Member

    Monday I am going to the doctor, see if he can help me out what to do...
    I also decided to clear my mind from everything, tomorrow will talk to my gf and try to fix the things and go on and go with the flow... i will not make any troubles anymore...
    And i decide to stop with facebook for a while, that will be better too... and i try to get closer with some friends and can see if that result in more meetings... i can mourn all day and cry and complain and feel pitty with myself... but what does it help?? Nothing, just feeling down.... i need the way up and not down.... i have to stop with these thoughts and make action now, once and for all... I can do it, I know it...

    Thank you
     
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