I first started to think about suicide when I was 16 years old. I did this basically because I resented how I looked. I managed to change this, but still think constantly about suicide. Ever since my first thought of suicide I always assumed I was going to kill myself one day. I never considered the fact that I would be okay or that I will survive to be 60 years old. Seriously, I have tried to be less bleak but I have done too much damage to myself since my first thought of suicide and no one took notice. I guess I do not know why I want to commit suicide I just know that one day I probably will, as of now, I am very afraid of dying and going to hell or reincarnating. The reason I fear reincarnation is because I know I will loose my identity and worse, I will have to relive the horrors of this world again. My fear of going to hell is uncertain, since I am not sure I will end up there, I have never done anything that was entirely bad in my life except for the last year and a half were I felt force to be awful. I lived a blessed life but because I feared that I would not be able to achieve my ultimate goal and dream in life, I diverted from my path and made things worse for myself. One day I hope to fix this, but for my dad, mom, and older sister, I pray and hope that I will pull through and be successful in someway so that I can help them. I cannot let them down yet. But this is not enough to let me escape the thought of suicide. This is one of the reason I just want to disappear, I don't ever want to hurt anyone or be hurt by anyone ever again. If I die, I hope I just disappear or go to someplace like heaven or maybe even purgatory, just anywhere where I can stop the suffering. I feel like I am going to cry now.