I always thought about suicide.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by jamie2, Mar 16, 2009.

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  1. jamie2

    jamie2 Active Member

    I first started to think about suicide when I was 16 years old. I did this basically because I resented how I looked. I managed to change this, but still think constantly about suicide. Ever since my first thought of suicide I always assumed I was going to kill myself one day. I never considered the fact that I would be okay or that I will survive to be 60 years old. Seriously, I have tried to be less bleak but I have done too much damage to myself since my first thought of suicide and no one took notice. I guess I do not know why I want to commit suicide I just know that one day I probably will, as of now, I am very afraid of dying and going to hell or reincarnating.

    The reason I fear reincarnation is because I know I will loose my identity and worse, I will have to relive the horrors of this world again. My fear of going to hell is uncertain, since I am not sure I will end up there, I have never done anything that was entirely bad in my life except for the last year and a half were I felt force to be awful.

    I lived a blessed life but because I feared that I would not be able to achieve my ultimate goal and dream in life, I diverted from my path and made things worse for myself. One day I hope to fix this, but for my dad, mom, and older sister, I pray and hope that I will pull through and be successful in someway so that I can help them. I cannot let them down yet. But this is not enough to let me escape the thought of suicide.

    This is one of the reason I just want to disappear, I don't ever want to hurt anyone or be hurt by anyone ever again. If I die, I hope I just disappear or go to someplace like heaven or maybe even purgatory, just anywhere where I can stop the suffering. I feel like I am going to cry now.
  2. Angelo_91

    Angelo_91 Well-Known Member

    "When one person suffers from a delusion it is called insanity. When many people suffer from a delusion it is called religion" -dawkins
  3. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    You are going to go thru many ups and downs thru out life. It's all in the choices you make.. If you want to be successfull then get the education you need. For instance you already suffer from the thoughts..Why not become a therapist. It will give you a better idea of whats going thru your mind. You can help others who suffer from mental illness, and it pays very good. With you already going thru hell it would make you a better therapist because you have been there..
  4. jamie2

    jamie2 Active Member

    I'm not sure if I do suffer from any particular thought. And I am trying to get the education I seek but I have trouble coming up with the money I need to get into school because of the economy and I can't get financial aid anymore. But everything I said here, has do to with my fear of dying and the reason I messed up my life right now. I really need to fix everything and just enjoy my self I suppose but that seems harder than what it should be. I'm not really trying to become anything like a therapist. I would rather be something like a biologist or a scientist of some sort. It is a more peaceful route imo.
  5. mdmefontaine

    mdmefontaine Antiquities Friend

    ..i am glad you reached out here.
    it seems as if you have much to contribute to the world...

    i hope you stay here and find support...while you take steps to work through your issues, and hopefully, arrive at a better, more fulfilling place in your life....:console:
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