i am a bad person.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by bikebikemike, Aug 27, 2009.

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  1. bikebikemike

    bikebikemike Member

    i feel like ive made everyone's life harder the past couple years. i am not a good person. i have huge untreated anxiety issues. i usually lie to cover them up. but my lies have become increasingly worse. i can't remember the last encouraging thing someone said to me was. i owe a ton of people money. my friends and family know they can't trust or count on me.

    i think its either time for me to die or time for me to go AWOL.
    i no longer want to be a burden on other people.
  2. bikebikemike

    bikebikemike Member

    in the past two hours, ive had three people come over to my apartment and chew me out.

    i deserve it. i feel like ive burned all my bridges.

    i think its time for me to go.
  3. Angelo_91

    Angelo_91 Well-Known Member

    Tell me one thing... when you completed these lies... did you have a smile on your face. The psycho smile, the smile where you didn't give a fuck.
  4. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Have you ever tried to get professional help for your anxiety issues? I think if you can start to help yourself first like getting some help for the anxiety, then others will see you making efforts and changes and they'll come around.
    Any mental health issues are so overwhelming and they tend to lead our lives for us. So stop trying to battle this alone. There are tons of members here that will understand what you are going through. Keep posting and let them try to support you and help if they can. Welcome to SF
  5. bikebikemike

    bikebikemike Member

    i wasn't smiling, but i've realized i constantly lie to myself and others to avoid direct conflict, which i am terrified of.

    but i can't honestly say i've been thinking of others or even myself with anything ive said or done in the recent past.
  6. Angelo_91

    Angelo_91 Well-Known Member

    I know how you feel, when I met this girl back in high school. I lied a few times but they were victimless lies but it sulked me down in the end. I had no idea why I lied about things that weren't really threatening to my reputation. I am insecure as so many things ive done unwillingly prove it. I regret it to death, even though i still am an insecure anxiety driven person. Just makes me hate myself for letting my chances go with so many things.

    Kill the past. Fuck your past, the future is in your hand.
  7. bikebikemike

    bikebikemike Member

    i've gotten help twice. first time they prescribed me zoloft and i hated it. second time i just did therapy, and i thought it was helping. but i had to discontinue it because i lost my health insurance.

    now i just feel like im making everyone's life around me harder. whats the point of me being here if i only have a negative effect on people?
  8. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    If soloft didn't work then why not try newer meds out there everyone is different and need to try different meds until you find ones that work Cipralex worked for me try talk to your GP and keep trying there is help out there take care
  9. bikebikemike

    bikebikemike Member

    i dont have health insurance and i am broke. i want to see a dr. but i dont think i can.

    things are getting much worse, i'm sure after today's fight my roommate/friend/buisness partner never wants to see me again. i might be homeless and jobless.

    i dont have a strong urge to kill myself, but i have the strong urge to disappear in some way. i dont want to make life harder for everyone around me.
  10. LDA

    LDA Well-Known Member

    I know the feeling. Just.. sit down one day by yourself in a corner and think out stuff and try to find solutions. There is a solution.
  11. sudut

    sudut Well-Known Member

    I am sorry Mike life has turned out this way for you.
  12. bikebikemike

    bikebikemike Member

    thank you. i think im going to visit my hometown tommorow, so i can see my mom and give her a hug. i need some unconditional love right now, even if i dont deserve it.
  13. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    Of course you deserve it! I hope a visit with mom eases some of your pain and heartache.

    Where about do you live? Sometimes there are programs to see doctors and get meds. I am familiar with how that all works in many parts of the US are you in the US per chance.

    Hugs Bambi
  14. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    is there anyone you can talk to. try calling crisis line they may give you some ideas on how to get therapy for free in your area. If you go to hospital emerg they will also get you some help. Running will work for awhile but you need some help so why not phone and get it. If you sign self into hospital for few days they can get you back on meds to help you get stable. I hope you can reach out like you have done here to get help you deserve.
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