I am a college graduate and a current graduate student. I am thinking that i should give up

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by herrkatze, Oct 24, 2015.

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  1. herrkatze

    herrkatze Member

    I am a graduate student right now. I should be happy right? No. I've been depressed since middle school, I have a loving mother but no-one else, no friends, I spend most of my time alone in my apartment. I don't get along with my siblings due to their belief that I am gay and a weirdo because I am shy. After the fight we had tonight i am convinced that they are going to have me arrested or institutionalised (I said some vitriolic things that I regret) I hate life; I've been stressed out due to the work load, which compared to undergrad is much more daunting than I had believed. Some days I wake up in the morning and just feel hopeless. I do not care about anything, tried buying things to alleviate my depression (I maxed out two credit cards) to buy video games I havent even played, two new computers, and clothes but nothing. Honestly, I just want my pain to end. <mod edit - methods>.

    I can't stand it anymore.
     
  2. herrkatze

    herrkatze Member

    I am a graduate student right now. I should be happy right? No. I've been depressed since middle school, I have a loving mother but no-one else, no friends, I spend most of my time alone in my apartment. I don't get along with my siblings due to their belief that I am gay and a weirdo because I am shy. After the fight we had tonight i am convinced that they are going to have me arrested or institutionalised (I said some vitriolic things that I regret) I hate life; I've been stressed out due to the work load, which compared to undergrad is much more daunting than I had believed. Some days I wake up in the morning and just feel hopeless. I do not care about anything, tried buying things to alleviate my depression (I maxed out two credit cards) to buy video games I havent even played, two new computers, and clothes but nothing. Honestly, I just want my pain to end. I bought a <mod edit - method>
    If I go through it will be my third attempt
    I can't stand it anymore.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 24, 2015
  3. Lily May

    Lily May Member

    Hi there. It sounds like we're in similar situations. I just started my first year of university, and I absolutely hate it. It seems like everything is geared toward extroverts, and it makes everything really difficult for us shy people. I try to hang out with people sometimes, but I always feel isolated even when I'm in a large group. I spend most of my time alone in my dorm.
    Most people I know don't understand what this feels like, but it seems like you do. If you ever need to take a break from your work or just want someone to talk to, I'm here.
     
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Talk to someone at your school ok get the workload decreased or ask for more time to get it done. Talk to a councilor there who will help you to deal with the stress and your depression
     
  5. herrkatze

    herrkatze Member

    Thank you for that and your advice 'Most people I know don't understand what this feels like, but it seems like you do' That is correct, it feels like there is something is crashing down on you that will never recede. Also, tjnk your being here to talk because I really needed it . My parents hate me, my siblings are envious are trying to have me arrested because of a a verbal fight where i said something I now regret deeply.

    Th stress I have had this last week has crushed my. i've lost seven pounds, I have not eaten since tuesday, and It has caused me to take a large number of sleeping pills that have caused my body to become numb. I just want to be free.
     
  6. FarmerSara21

    FarmerSara21 Member

    Two things we are forced into believing are 'normal' are social interactions within a crowd mentality and school in an institutionalized, disassociated setting. We are told that if we don't participate in these two things we are anti-education and we are hermits. This never felt truthful to me.
    As far as school goes, our school systems set us up to go straight from Outcome Based Education (in grade school) to a university where our majors may not directly reflect our skills or passions. To me this is a shrouded pit of quicksand that channels us from one soul-dampening institution straight into the next, without giving us any real time to discover what we truly love to do (money not being a factor). This set me up for an identity-crisis and I found myself asking "Why am I doing this?" I felt like a switch with no electrical purpose-- trying to fill the void with superficial extracurriculars and substance abuse.
    The other thing we're taught is that if we aren't out all the time hanging out with groups of people, we are loners or misanthropists. However, if you've ever sat and observed a group of friends at the bar or friends hanging out together, you may notice that very little legitimate human connection is taking place.
    For the most part people just talk AT each other, hoping to gain validation for their behavior by saying "My friends and I are so similar." Sometimes when I see it happening, to me it just looks like a bunch of robots programmed to think and feel a certain way, reveling in the fact that all their fellow robots reflect a similar mindset.
    I think many of us who have labeled ourselves as 'introverts' are actually the normal ones and instead of craving a constant barrage of attention we instead prefer TRUE human connection. The kind of human connection that occurs when two people can say what they really think and feel and not just blabber about where they bought their shoes or which celebrities just had a baby.

    And in my opinion all of this is normal and right. It's the fact that we are told by media and society that if we aren't robots then we aren't good.

    I dunno, just my two cents. Hope it helps.
     
  7. Lily May

    Lily May Member

    If there are bad things in your life, the first step is to try to change them. I'm sure you've been trying for a very long time, but in your case, it sounds like you might need a complete overhaul-- that is to say, instead of trying to fix one thing at a time, just start over completely. Obviously you don't have to take my advice, but I think you need to take a break from school. It sounds like the workload is crushing you. Just take some time for yourself. You can always come back later.
     
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  8. herrkatze

    herrkatze Member

    This is exactly how I've always felt. Although I haven't been formally diagnosed, since reading about the symptoms I have believed that I have had Asperger's syndrome from a very young age.

    Others think I am obsessive about hygiene, perhaps a little overobsessive, but I just like looking very presentable.

    Because I am not too keen on having romantic relationships (I've never had a partner or boy or girl friend) I am viewed as being crazy or a threat by family and friends.

    I am quiet, softly spoken and kind, but I am constantly said to be weird or crazy.

    Outside of college, my only hobbies are watching sport, reading, studying foreign languages, and video games but even then I do not care about seeking out others to converse with.
    My mother does not know how to help me (other than taking me to a psychiatrist so that I can take some "drugs" ) but I am glad she wants to help.
     
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