I am a knob.

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by SCUK2009, Oct 27, 2010.

  1. SCUK2009

    SCUK2009 Well-Known Member

    Some of you may remember this thread. On Monday night, I ended up having some mates round and got drunk. Once they'd left, I sent her (we will call her Jane) an email telling her everything her ex did and all the bad shit he's said about her and basically that he used her for sex and that he's planning on meeting another girl for sex today whilst he continues to string Jane along. He did, I didn't lie or anything, I thought she should know but now the guilt is too much. I phoned her the next morning and I said delete the email I sent you last night and she was like ''OK, I promise I will'' she hadn't read it at this point. Then she text me saying ''I'm sorry to let you down, I read the email and I'm going away (i.e. not speaking to any of us anymore). Starting afresh. I hope you get better (my social phobia) and have a nice life xxx''.

    I haven't been eating and have been sick twice because I feel that bad that I've done something wrong. Was I wrong? Two mates have said they think I did the right thing. I'm worried she's going to do something stupid but I can't speak to her. What do you lot think? I feel absolutely terrible.
  2. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    I agree with the knob part.

    I think she acted pretty politely with you.

    If I'd been her, I'd just think wtf and start yelling at you and everyone else.

    People can be very fragile- and from what I gather she wants him, hasn't got over him- and was in her own process of grieving. Digging up things like this would make anyone go nuts and hurt more than ever. I think you're very lucky you got such a polite text and goodbye.
  3. ManCG

    ManCG Active Member

    That right there makes me instantly assume that she's not going to do anything stupid, or anything like that.

    I'm torn between thinking you've done the right thing and thinking you haven't. Obviously this girl deserves to know that her ex cheated on her, for her own good if she was planning on getting back with him, as that'd ultimately just cause more pain in the long run, if you get what I mean; nothing would stop him repeating his previous actions.

    On the other hand, I'm not sure it was really your place to say anything, however you did so in an intoxicated state of mind. This has happened now, and there's no way to reverse it, so I guess you'll just have to hope this girl doesn't do anything stupid and that she really is starting afresh and getting over it.


    I know this thread isn't about you, and you're in no way related to the events that have taken place in regards to this thread, but different people have different ways of dealing with things, and I think yelling at him, and everyone else would be a totally fucked up way of dealing with the situation.

    However, I do agree with the rest of the stuff you said to a certain extent.
  4. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    Yelling is a natural reaction to pain. It can be powerful and have a huge effect. It can create necessary boundaries, especially in a situation where someone is overstepping their mark and very possibly driven by jealousy and an underlying agenda to 'get with her' rather than any concern for her welfare.

    You, are in no way involved in this situation but have made assumptions going by a text given by a girl you do not know. That certainly is more about yourself and what you want to see, rather than the girl. She is in pain and drawing boundaries politely by telling him to stay away from her.

    You have no idea what this girl is feeling underneath her words. That was the intention of my post.

    Someone can say something but feel something different entirely. And yelling and screaming would be a good way to get the message across well.
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 27, 2010
  5. fisch

    fisch Well-Known Member

    I don't know, two sides to the coin and all that. Post #3 of that other thread he was referring to doesn't make her sound like a nice person. There are two approaches going around in my head right now:

    1. If I was only looking out for me and didn't give a toss about everyone else...I'd just watch the two of them getting back together (which sounds like they were about to), in which case she would suffer more in the long run...and then get over her by my trademark methods of drinking myself silly and taking other stuff I'm not proud of. Oh, and also distancing myself from her.

    2. If I really cared, then I would have to find some way of warning her off him, and being a close friend (without then taking advantage of her afterwards) if she needed, or giving her space when she needed. I could either try the tough love approach of telling her all of those things you said....or subtle hints like introducing her to new guys, getting her to move on....but either way, in the long run it would be kinder to her. Obviously this approach is complicated by the fact you might still have feelings for her.

    Guess what? I've learnt to choose the first option these days, and it serves me pretty well.

    Don't feel so bad. You spoke the truth, but I've learnt that the truth means nothing. Never sacrifice your dignity or self-respect to help another human being. It's just not worth it.
  6. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    I think post 3 of that other thread shows her to be confused rather than a bitch. Feelings can be very messy/ambivalent especially if you've broken up.

    I completely agree with mcviking on that thread too.
  7. fisch

    fisch Well-Known Member

    Empathy works both ways. The OP sounds kind of vulnerable and I don't think he's feeling at his best right now.

    Besides, being in love (or 'getting with her', as you called it) and having concern are overlapping emotions. Falling in love with someone, it makes you sort of protective of them, if that makes any sense. Doesn't mean that he doesn't care, if he still harbours feelings for her..
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 27, 2010
  8. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    I don't want to start an argument about the ways different people express pain (or name-call for absolutely no reason without reading posts properly) but I sympathise with the OP. I'm giving an opinion which is similar to mcviking. The main point being jealousy.

    SCUK2009, hope you feel better.
  9. fisch

    fisch Well-Known Member

    Gosh, what am I doing. I hate arguing with people I respect, plates. It's just not me. Had a crappy day, came home at 9am today after a stupid party that left me hollow and quite angry, but it's no excuse. Just trying to get the other side of the story across, but of course she must be hurting too. I think this thread hit me a bit too close to home, and I'm really, truly sorry.

    Removed the offending part, not to cover my tracks, but because I don't want something that idiotic staring readers in the face all the time.
  10. SCUK2009

    SCUK2009 Well-Known Member

    Thanks. To be honest I was just disgusted at how this guy treats her. My intentions were good as I'd wanted to tell her for months, the execution of it was poor and probably couldn't have been worse. Once I'd started telling her the truth, more and more just came out and like a twat I sent it. Reading it back it just looks like a vicious attack and not the caring, informative message I wanted it to be.