I've been battling depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember. I am 27 years old and this probably sounds very familiar. I am a liar. I've never been completely honest with any doctor or counselor I can think of. I beat around the bush, "No doc, no suicidal thoughts, just got a case of the blues." So I eat a couple of Welbutrin tablets a day now, it helps a little bit. I am so afraid that if I tell anyone, even in confidentiality, I will wind up in a padded cell in a striaght jacket, diagnosed as a bi-polar schizo or some pyschopath, and prescribed loads of medications. I'm afraid I will lose my career, my relationship, my family. I'm afraid that I will guilt trip my loved ones, I'm afraid that I will shame them, I'm afraid that if I admit this, I will become it. By speaking it, I will have established it as a reality. So I just ignore it. Some days I feel I'm on top of the world, and I should be, because I am. I have a great life. So I don't understand why there is so much pain in my head. I don't want to deal with it, I just want it to go away, I'm far to busy to concern myself with it. I don't trust myself, because I've royally f**cked myself over many times, and I'm lucky to be where I am now: employed, loved, food, shelter. I'm not about to let me f**k things up again. Once I get things situated I can sit down and sort this crazy jumbled mess of a brain out, maybe 4 or 5 years. I have to be able to hold on until then. Until then, I just have to keep lying. I have to lie to myself, to everyone, to protect me from myself, to protect them from myself. So I will eat my tablets, and wonder if I'm actually having suicidal thoughts. I don't want to die, I'm scared shitless of death. But I'm hopeless, and sometimes I think being dead would be better than feeling this way. Sometimes I think of the best ways to do it. Anyways, I'm just posting this because I need to vent, and bless the internet that I can stay anonymous, because I don't want to tell to truth, the truth sucks. Please don't feel sorry for me, but bless you for being here, because the fact that this place even exists makes me think there is hope.