I am a Liar

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by aethermachine, Jan 15, 2014.

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  1. aethermachine

    aethermachine New Member

    I've been battling depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember. I am 27 years old and this probably sounds very familiar.

    I am a liar. I've never been completely honest with any doctor or counselor I can think of. I beat around the bush, "No doc, no suicidal thoughts, just got a case of the blues." So I eat a couple of Welbutrin tablets a day now, it helps a little bit.

    I am so afraid that if I tell anyone, even in confidentiality, I will wind up in a padded cell in a striaght jacket, diagnosed as a bi-polar schizo or some pyschopath, and prescribed loads of medications. I'm afraid I will lose my career, my relationship, my family. I'm afraid that I will guilt trip my loved ones, I'm afraid that I will shame them, I'm afraid that if I admit this, I will become it. By speaking it, I will have established it as a reality. So I just ignore it. Some days I feel I'm on top of the world, and I should be, because I am. I have a great life. So I don't understand why there is so much pain in my head. I don't want to deal with it, I just want it to go away, I'm far to busy to concern myself with it.

    I don't trust myself, because I've royally f**cked myself over many times, and I'm lucky to be where I am now: employed, loved, food, shelter. I'm not about to let me f**k things up again. Once I get things situated I can sit down and sort this crazy jumbled mess of a brain out, maybe 4 or 5 years. I have to be able to hold on until then. Until then, I just have to keep lying. I have to lie to myself, to everyone, to protect me from myself, to protect them from myself. So I will eat my tablets, and wonder if I'm actually having suicidal thoughts. I don't want to die, I'm scared shitless of death. But I'm hopeless, and sometimes I think being dead would be better than feeling this way. Sometimes I think of the best ways to do it.

    Anyways, I'm just posting this because I need to vent, and bless the internet that I can stay anonymous, because I don't want to tell to truth, the truth sucks. Please don't feel sorry for me, but bless you for being here, because the fact that this place even exists makes me think there is hope.
     
  2. MotownJohnny

    MotownJohnny Member

    Wow, I could have written a lot of what you wrote verbatim. I feel the same way. I did finally confide in both my psychiatrist and therapist that I had suicidal thoughts, this was only last week, but even then, I lied when asked how far -- I told them vague thoughts, I would not admit how specific I am about details. Like you, I have a career, relationships, home, a very nice life, upper middle class suburb, new car, expensive "toys". I came close to losing it all in 2012, the victim of an overzealous quack who tries to lock everyone up. Frankly, the entire concept really bothers me -- no other branch of "medicine" locks their patients up, or treats them like criminals. I was lucky, it was a big leap of faith for me to do what I did, and I only did it because I, like you, am unhappy with the way my brain seems to function or malfunction, I want some relief from it, and thought that perhaps spilling my guts would help. We'll see what happens with it.

    I say do what you are comfortable doing. There is a line from a Dixie Chicks song, "Though you may think I'm telling lies, I just call it getting by" - I have thought of that lyric SO many times over the course of my ordeal.
     
  3. iwanttohelp

    iwanttohelp Well-Known Member

    You are being honest with yourself and with us. You don't need to let the world know anything you don't want them too.

    It sounds like you have some good momentum of positive thoughts and beliefs in your life, and that is a good thing. You are right to want to allow all these good things to continue in your life.

    Having some other painful thoughts and feelings is ok, and its alright if you just accept it.

    Yes, feeling hopeless can be painful and its natural to want relief.

    The thought of death can feel like the ultimate escape into eternity. But that is why meditation is the number recommendation for depression. It is a mental checkout. I recommend you look into it.

    I just put on some spaced out music a few times a week and let my mind wander into the far reaches of space, it kind of slips into another world. This has over time made me not care about too much of anything or anyone. My mind is in this sort of quiet whatever place. For Gods sake we are just floating on a freaking billion year old rock in an endless sea of nothingness... that is the real reality. Just an endless mystery of stillness.

    None of all this stuff in this life really matters at all. We we all fade away back to the source eventually. So just do and say whatever makes you feel most comfortable man, and keep privately seeking answers. You will find them if you keep looking. I wish you well.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 15, 2014
  4. SuicideSam

    SuicideSam Banned Member

    I feel pretty much the same as you guys, I have a decent life but I'm too afraid to to admit my mental problems incase they take away what little I do have
     
  5. aethermachine

    aethermachine New Member

    Yeah, there is no point in trying to get help with suicidal thoughts because if someone tried to lock me up or take away what little I had, I think that in itself would push me over the edge.

    My girlfriend of 3 years just broke up with me today, it wasn't mutual. She said she doesn't love me anymore, that I'm not the person I used to be. She is right, this depression, it is taking away every fucking thing I love, it is transforming me into this cynical and self-loathing pessimistic being, who the fuck wants to love that? Of course she left me, I never want to go out or do anything. I'm tired of feeling sorry for myself. I just hate that I can't seem to cope with this thing called "life". I feel like an alien living in an uncomfortable world.

    My spirit is broken, and I used to be such a spiritual vibrant fellow, I used to believe that there was more to the universe and cosmos than what I can see and test right in front of me. Now all I see is cold isolation, the universe is as cold and hostile as I. Nothing but death and birth, and dark thoughts. I used to believe that we are not just flames to be blotted out when we expire, that there is much more to discover, that life has meaning whether we know it or not. I'm so fucking tired of feeling like shit every day, I'm tired of constantly letting myself down. I'm an addict, an alcoholic, a sex-addict, depressive and anxious and paranoid. Sometimes I think wiping the slate clean, turning it all off, is relief.

    It is true, I'm harder on myself than anyone else in this world ever was, but somehow I absorbed the negativity of the world, my shadow, my ego, whatever Jungian or Freudian philosophy you want to recall, I became the darkness that I saw in the world. When did this transition happen? I was aware there was suffering in the world, but I knew through that lies the path to enlightenment. Now the light at the end of the tunnel is very dim, and wading through the darkness I must find the path. The only hope I have is that if I was happy before, I can be happy again. If was able to absorb the negativity of the world, perhaps I can absorb the light. That is how I want to live, I don't want to look at the glass half empty anymore.
     
  6. scaryforest

    scaryforest Banned Member

    inner light will work wonders, let it
     
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