I'm dependent on a certain girl. I've been dependent on her for years. I'm anhedonic toward everything else, but I function very well and use my passive-aggressive ability to lie and manipulate to get ahead at work and with my own family. I've developed a capacity for cunning that gets me far ahead in the outside world. I secretly consider everyone else an enemy, and I secretly hate all of them and everyone I work with. Nothing else but this girl's affections gives me any pleasure; the rest is pure sadism. I don't care about anything else. I can't even think straight without her. I live completely underneath her as I try to get her attention, with an impossible agitation if things don't go like I plan. When I tried to find ways out, like dating outside, nothing worked. I felt dissociated from everyone around me. No one felt real. It didn't feel like I was talking to a person, just a thing. I didn't care what happened to anyone except myself. It got to the point that if our facade of a relationship was threatened (or I mistakenly thought was threatened), I would become so rageful with jealousy that I would seriously think of critically hurting people out of anxiety and a sense of threat, but in every instance I just ended up hurting myself as a release. Over time, I considered killing both her and myself, with the hopes that she would want the same due to her own chronic apathy and complete inability to care about anything. I'm like an infant toward its mother, needing attention to keep myself from thinking about doing horrible things. I was diagnosed as psychotically manic-depressive when I was 16 and had to drop out of high school, but later became so good at everything I did that I was literally setting records for scores on lengthy exams. I became fearless around other people because they no longer had the quality of being people to me. I've already made a serious suicide attempt that I prepared for for months immediately after being discharged from a psychiatric hospital because I only felt worse after leaving. I lied to everyone there out of habit and maintained my appearance of intelligence, charisma, and charm, so they thought I was perfectly fine very quickly. I'm a pathological liar and simply indifferent to everyone and everything except my nonexistent dependent relationship with this girl. I cycle from feeling secure, warm, and optimistic to jealous, despairing, suicidal, and hopeless on a daily basis. My fear of being rejected and alone is so viciously terrifying that I become panicked. I'm both my own problem and hers. I feel like I'm going to get us both killed while I convince myself half the time that I'm doing all this for the right reasons. But I know I'm not. It's all for my own sake, not hers. I can't stop lying to everyone and myself. I keep up convenient delusions of control and competence through being exceptionally good at a well-paying job in which I earn more than anyone I know in my age range, but I get spontaneous feelings of absolute terror and wanting to kill myself on the spot, violently, with the means I've obtained through lying. I am an awful person. Despite my individual success, I can't think straight without this one girl to comfort me and tell me everything's okay, which convinces me that I'm okay. It's childlike, like I'm hiding behind her skirt, violently agitated and afraid of everything beyond where I'm clinging.