I am a malevolent, destructive, pathologically dependent boy. I am awful.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by solutions, Oct 23, 2012.

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  1. solutions

    solutions Well-Known Member

    I'm dependent on a certain girl. I've been dependent on her for years. I'm anhedonic toward everything else, but I function very well and use my passive-aggressive ability to lie and manipulate to get ahead at work and with my own family. I've developed a capacity for cunning that gets me far ahead in the outside world. I secretly consider everyone else an enemy, and I secretly hate all of them and everyone I work with. Nothing else but this girl's affections gives me any pleasure; the rest is pure sadism. I don't care about anything else. I can't even think straight without her. I live completely underneath her as I try to get her attention, with an impossible agitation if things don't go like I plan.

    When I tried to find ways out, like dating outside, nothing worked. I felt dissociated from everyone around me. No one felt real. It didn't feel like I was talking to a person, just a thing. I didn't care what happened to anyone except myself. It got to the point that if our facade of a relationship was threatened (or I mistakenly thought was threatened), I would become so rageful with jealousy that I would seriously think of critically hurting people out of anxiety and a sense of threat, but in every instance I just ended up hurting myself as a release. Over time, I considered killing both her and myself, with the hopes that she would want the same due to her own chronic apathy and complete inability to care about anything. I'm like an infant toward its mother, needing attention to keep myself from thinking about doing horrible things.

    I was diagnosed as psychotically manic-depressive when I was 16 and had to drop out of high school, but later became so good at everything I did that I was literally setting records for scores on lengthy exams. I became fearless around other people because they no longer had the quality of being people to me. I've already made a serious suicide attempt that I prepared for for months immediately after being discharged from a psychiatric hospital because I only felt worse after leaving. I lied to everyone there out of habit and maintained my appearance of intelligence, charisma, and charm, so they thought I was perfectly fine very quickly. I'm a pathological liar and simply indifferent to everyone and everything except my nonexistent dependent relationship with this girl. I cycle from feeling secure, warm, and optimistic to jealous, despairing, suicidal, and hopeless on a daily basis. My fear of being rejected and alone is so viciously terrifying that I become panicked.

    I'm both my own problem and hers. I feel like I'm going to get us both killed while I convince myself half the time that I'm doing all this for the right reasons. But I know I'm not. It's all for my own sake, not hers. I can't stop lying to everyone and myself. I keep up convenient delusions of control and competence through being exceptionally good at a well-paying job in which I earn more than anyone I know in my age range, but I get spontaneous feelings of absolute terror and wanting to kill myself on the spot, violently, with the means I've obtained through lying.

    I am an awful person. Despite my individual success, I can't think straight without this one girl to comfort me and tell me everything's okay, which convinces me that I'm okay. It's childlike, like I'm hiding behind her skirt, violently agitated and afraid of everything beyond where I'm clinging.
  2. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    You seem readily able to identify the problems but unable to change the behaviors that are causing the problems. You also mentioned that your previous stay in psyche was of some benefit- I would suggest printing your post off and taking it to a professional as it would give them insight to what they were dealing with and sabotage your ability to suggest differently. If that is unappealing to you simply try it and look forward to the potential challenge of such an approach.

    Take Care and Be Safe

  3. Samara

    Samara Account Closed

    I cannot help but feel like you are somewhat doing with us on this forum now in this very thread, what you describe doing in your life too... which is this: I can't think straight without this one girl to comfort me and tell me everything's okay, which convinces me that I'm okay.

    It sounds like you may need to gain your own coping methods, and you may need some personal growth beyond what others can give you on the sidelines, even this girl in your life. It's one thing to be interdependent on others (we all have to do this on differing degrees), but it's another to be entirely reliant on one person to either be your life...or have you end it, if they are not.

    By the way, you lie so much, because even though you ARE successful and all of these things... you still have no real idea how to cope... so the lying is done to try and control the possible damage that could occur, and to basically destroy any triggers that might come, by being the one on top of everything... though inside you are crumbling, and I am going to venture to say, that probably nobody knows just how hurt you really are inside.

    Some might know you lie a lot, but that only makes them think you are a bad person (as you are now calling yourself), but doesn't show them the deeper side of what is truly going on here... because it's hurting them too, and now they have to 'damage control'.

    NYJMpMaster suggested something that might be useful in getting you that internal help you need, to be able to handle yourself, and be more comfortable, and actually learn how to cope more healthily...

    There are other ways to obtain this too, one would be to try out self-help reading material, because it introduces more positive ideas on how to get what you want from other people... which means if you MUST be in control, and if you MUST feel like you always have to be on top etc... then at least there are ways to still do that in your life, without hurting everyone around, and without having everyone feel like you are the largest meany-pants in the room.

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