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I am a nobody.

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by meaningless-vessel, Aug 21, 2013.

  1. meaningless-vessel

    meaningless-vessel Well-Known Member

    For the majority of people on here who have gotten to know me via the chat/forum side of things - this is purely how I feel.

    I feel like I'm a nobody. Why? Here's a few reasons...

    I give advice to someone - and someone somewhere will find issue with it. I don't have a problem with that - but when there's ignorance or "lack of empathy" banded about, effectively telling me i'm wrong and I shouldn't give advice on certain topics - it makes me feel like I am not wanted, or that not experiencing some things makes it impossible to understand - yet it can be workable.

    I let off steam - in threads in this sub forum - but find in the last few that i've started anywhere - there's been 2 replies. It's almost like no-one wants to even really consider replying, never mind not being able to. But again - I sense that might be through my approach to the way I give the support I do. Yet people have read it - and I see others have double figures of replies while my threads sit there with none.

    I help out in chat at times when new members come in. But there are some occasions I feel like I shouldn't bother - particularly if told a certain line. Namely "let us deal with it". From mods who aren't in the rooms all day every day (that's pushing it a bit - even for insomniacs), there's going to be opportunities to offer advice. Hence the chat guide that I put up.

    I go into chat - to chat. But I type a couple of lines and it goes silent like all are busy elsewhere. Ok - possible over-reaction - but when it does go quiet when I'm in there - it's like I brought it about even when I do nothing. Sometimes i'm not even acknowledged upon entry - but then see others enter afterwards get acknowledged straight away - by people who were mid-conversation when I arrived. I've even been known to sit in TS in a foul mood - not get noticed (and this is without the symbol up) - or even sit in a room by myself - and not get even a PM. I once sat in spare room - no symbol up - for about 2 hours (give or take 10 mins either way) - before anyone else gathered together in one room and said something. Does that make me feel like i'm worth something?

    I am a nobody to my family. They won't admit it - but my older brothers have no direct communication with me unless they see me. Their partners - well - I couldn't be bothered with wishing one of them a happy birthday on Aug 15th after their performance in front of me the weekend before (the 10th I think) - I got more conversation out of all 3 of her kids than I did out of her that night. My dad has occasional dealings with me - but only if there's a chance meeting in town or a family BBQ that I have to put the effort in to get there. At least there's usually an invite for the BBQ (like the one on the 10th)

    I am a nobody to people I used to call friends - interaction? what is that again? Oh wait - if I don't put it in - I get nothing but then the excuse "I was busy". Ok - there's been like 6 months or more - my numbers not changed - i'm on your facebook - and you can't even drop me a "hi how are you?" - Those people - are not what i'd call friends. Friendship usually works 2 ways - as do other relationship formats, primarily one persons efforts is ridiculous - and not really fair for a friendship or otherwise.

    I am a nobody to those I worked with in my last job. Apart from one - who does have the occasional communication with me. But take that out - no-one has again - interacted with me since I no longer work there. Or more since I last was there.

    So yeah.

    I feel on top of the world. (Note - sarcasm there for those who didn't register it).

    I have an opinion that I am a nobody. Sure feels like it. Gimme one good reason why I'm not. But you sure as hell better make it believable.
  2. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    You really only have to be something and/or someone to yourself. Once you do that, you will find that others will start to also take the same notice. I was in chat today when you entered and said a few things, then stated that when you enter the room everyone gets quiet. I was finishing an email in another window and as I swung back over to the chat window, which I was monitoring, to say howdy... you had already left. Sometimes you have to have patience. I get some of the same reactions in chat as you have mentioned - I enter and nobody says hello, then someone else comes in and everyone throws a welcome. It doesn't matter much to me though because a "Hi" in chat doesn't make or break my day. Chat often gets very quiet and nobody speaks. I don't know why. I don't understand - why come to "chat" and not chat? Regardless, that is the way that it is and I accept that. Perhaps give yourself more value, have more patience in the chat rooms, and let small things slide off your shoulder. This reply is not meant to sound mean in any way, I'm really just relating to what you've said and letting you know that it isn't something that is focused just on you.
  3. Butterfly

    Butterfly Sim Addict Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    Oh Gary :hug: I think you have been overthinking things way too much today, and that is partly my fault so I apologise. You are not ignored here at all, you have the respect of a lot of members here, just because it's not mentioned and blatently in your face all the time doesn't mean it's not true. You're always going to get a differing view on topics and sometimes what you say is going to be taken out of context, unfortunately it's the nature of this site as many here are very sensitive about certain topics, myself included. About some of your threads you have posted here, I have read them, but they always came across to me as just a rant to let off steam and never seemed like they were inviting responses, at least that was the impression I got so I never posted a reply because they seemed to be rants, blunt and final and I thought that was the point of them and that was what you wanted. As for chat, there are times when things are completely silent. Sometimes when people enter I will be afk for about 10-15 minutes, then when I come back and see someone sign in I may greet them. It's not that I've ignored the previous members signing in, I'm just getting back to the computer and starting again and I bet that is the same for other members too. And sometimes when chat is fast paced, I miss people signing in unless I'm constantly scrolling up all the time. I don't think it's a case of people deliberately ignoring you, it can just be the nature of chat sometimes. And yes it's happened to me several times over the many years I've been here, and even now as a moderator but it's important you don't take it to heart because it's nothing personal. As for sitting in a room on your own, if you are wanting to people to talk to you and you are wanting to reach out this is probably not the best option. I speak for myself here when I say this; sometimes I do see people sat alone in a room, but sometimes if I'm doing really bad myself, I just do not have it in me to listen to someone elses problems. It sounds selfish I know, but sometimes I go into chat to escape from all that. It's not because I don't care, cause I do, I just can't always deal with it. And as a moderator (not complaining) I do get my fair share of crisis pm's and dealing with problematic members so sometimes I need to protect myself from triggers. People are not mind readers hun and if you need to talk then you MUST talk because people aren't always going to follow you around and chase you.

    I can't really speak much for your personal life, except that I found myself in a similar position a few weeks ago, where I was feeling very lonely and isolated from the world, that it was only me putting effort in etc. I had some very wise words from a very wise friend of mine that I think may apply to you too. We have expectations of what things used to be like re: family and friends but as the years pass and we grow older and try new things and meet new people, people change and people grow. It does not mean they don't care for you, but their lives have moved on and they have new things in their life. Sometimes when things change we hurt because things were not like they are used to, which leaves us feeling lonely and isolated, but what we have to do is move on and change too. You can continue to live in the past and feel lonely and isolated, but you can also grow and change and meet new people and live your life again. It is the nature of life, people change, things change, life changes but you can continue to live in the past or you can move on and learn from it.
  4. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    I get triggered when people do not write something on a thread I start. Or when they answer in a demeaning way. For me it reinforces how I feel about myself. I have had threads removed when I know I should have given it more time. But I got triggered and flipped. So I asked a mod to remove the thread. Or when someone said something that was very hurtful and annoying. I asked for the thread to be removed. Then I got an pm from someone saying "whats up? I answered that guy defeding you, but all of a sudden the thread is gone". I get triggered easily by people saying hurtful things. Or by looking at how many people read and then no one responds. At another forum yesterday I erased what I had written when I saw that 20 people read the thread. But no one commented. In reality it was not personal. But for me it was a huge trigger. Because it reinforced what I feel about myself. Sorry you are feeling like you are a nobody. Thats a horrible thing to feel. While I do not agree that you are a nobody, I know that the pain is very real
  5. meaningless-vessel

    meaningless-vessel Well-Known Member

    Following up from this rant. And the replies have all been acknowledged too.

    Last night - I'm in chat - in TS - and I mentioned that I was having urges. But did anyone stop and ask me what was up/why it had come to that? No. So even when I do attempt to reach out - even mentioning that I wasn't as chatty as I would like (and this is with a number of people present - ironically including the two mods who have replied here) - I feel alienated. I moved rooms, as it was clear that there was no apparent support forthcoming, and only one member sent me a PM to ask how I was. Member. Not staff. Member. I have a view on that which isn't suitable for this particular thread.

    And if you truly feel I'm being harsh by bringing this up - just spare a thought for how I might be feeling about the whole situation. The big picture? We're all part of a supportive community within written word confines. That means that we may misread, misunderstand, miscommunicate what we want to be saying. We all have issues. True.

    But when I actively seek out support for myself - I find that there's very little there. It's like my being on here is a reflection of how my life is. (Re: my last few rants). There was minimal effort from other sources - and assumptions that the rants were just that. If they were just that - I'm sure it would make more sense to put them in my members diary.

    I have very few in the way of friends. I have a lack of family support (I don't put much effort in now because when I did for 3 years, then stopped, I got very little communication of a direct nature).

    I have put time and effort in to being supportive to others, and I think it isn't a waste - and no - I don't expect it in return. It would just be nice that when I do reach out, that someone takes the time to realise I'm not ok and at least ask me? . Can I bite heads off and be snappy? Of course I can. Can this sound like I'm nit-picking? yes it can. And yes - this is very self-centred. A rare branch into me about me. When do I truly break out and say "I've experienced this/that/something else" that means I relate to the feelings and experiences of someone else? It happens now and again - but i'm not a person who "must be centre of all attention" - even though some may think that. I'm not the type of person to be vocal about all my issues that I'm having (there's stuff that I've recently brought up that has been sitting with me for years). But this is my end result - a blowout rant.

    I'm told i'm not a nobody. I'm told I am respected. Yet I have proof that I've also been told about my attitude and that I belittle others too. So which is it?

    I'm told I overthink and that I'm taking too much to heart. Does that not invalidate my thoughts/feelings? In a way - yes. It's like I'm not allowed to rant about what's getting me down. But if I don't - there's the chance that I could explode in a much more dramatic fashion. (like a "drama queen" but I don't want to do that.)
  6. emily83

    emily83 Well-Known Member

    i have felt this way a number of times on sites.

    most recently, i joined a website for a UK organisation that deals with mental illness... and 1 of the moderators their run groups- monday 1 thing, then another, etc.. all the way through the week

    so just because i wanted to speak to someone about how i was feeling at the time, i went in when they were doing the bipolar group- and out of all 24 people in the group, i was the only person not even to get a welcome- i did comment on some of what was being said, and the only message i eventally got for me was from someone who said, yeah, you go through a lot- then they returned to talking to the other 23

    i understand how you feell- really annoys me!. i ended up leaving the group and getting very upset
  7. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    fighting_the_tide, I'm really sorry you are feeling this way atm.

    It can hurt a lot to seek support and then feel like people didn't listen or care. It happens to most of us on occasion.

    You note that you did get a response from someone, although it was not from a CM, Mod or Admin. If chat was busy, CMs/Mods on at the time probably had to move with the group to the other room to monitor things, and they didn't mean to slight you. If you wish to speak with a CM, Mod, or Admin, please let us know - PM one of us in chat or via regular PM.

    In the forums, sometimes people don't know what to say to someone, or are afraid they will say the wrong thing, so they don't say anything at all. Sometimes their own feelings are stirred up too much to reply. Sometimes I don't reply to a person's thread because I have nothing new to add. It doesn't mean I don't care about the person. Counting up and comparing number of replies is not a reliable measure.

    I have a question arising from your perspective that perhaps others thought you were ranting. I don't know if you rant a lot...so, do you rant a lot? Do a lot of things really get to you that don't get to others as much? Sometimes people do make assumptions based on our usual presentation, even though it's not right to assume. If we get used to someone's style as "venting/ranting a lot", we could find it harder to know when it's not "just venting/ranting," but is more serious. I wasn't there and I don't know you well enough to say if venting/ranting is your style. If you feel that others did in fact assume you were ranting, maybe there is a way to express that you're not just venting/ranting?

    Also, it's odd, but "quiet" people could get a similar reaction of not being noticed. I'm quiet and I've had that happen when the group was following one or two people in a convo and they overlooked things other people (including me) were saying. It's easy to feel ignored. If it's important, anyone needs to speak up again so he/she is heard.

    You and your feelings are important. Communicating online can be tricky sometimes. If you aren't heard the first time, ask again. If you want to hear from staff, send a PM to a CM/Mod/Admin who is online at the time. You are just as important as anyone else.
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 26, 2013
  8. meaningless-vessel

    meaningless-vessel Well-Known Member

    To answer your question Acy - I'm not an extensively massive "ranter" of things. Generally speaking - I keep things to myself a lot. I struggle communicating too deeply about my own issues - even my therapist can have issues getting information out of me.

    I've recently been expressing more of the things that have slowly built up over the years that upon reflection have dropped my mood a fair bit. And it just so happens that part of that is where I am within social standings (social troubles thread) - or how even after I put efforts in, family/facebook/here or elsewhere (making friends that are non inclusive or even partaking in online chatrooms), there's a bit of anger that builds up because I am highly frustrated that my efforts are seemingly futile.

    I perhaps could suggest more that I am not just venting - but there are assumptions made on how I am (How I sometimes give advice/support that others do not agree with or like is one example) - how my tone seems to come across - how I behave/react etc - that makes some degree of difficulty in whether people approach me or not. I'm fairly comfortable with the set up here - having been relatively active on a regular-ish basis, that I know by now if I didn't want a reply, I'd put it in the relevant sub-forum for it.

    I have noticed that quiet people do get a similar reaction - in the chat. I have found - on occasion, that even with a mod present, someone is sat in a different room alone and when I open up a PM to them, and ask "is anyone talking to you" - and get a "no" in return - it disheartens me. Particularly if they are in the TS room. Maybe those who actively monitor the chat should prioritise people in TS first when they sign in, whether it's just to acknowledge them or to offer support if up for it?

    I don't deliberately "count up" and compare replies. I think its more seeing the "lack of response" from my efforts whether its a vent or more serious, just adds to the feeling of me thinking i'm a nobody. It has been more notable lately that it has been more vents - but I put that down to fluctuating blood pressures where I have my phlebotomies (see the Haemochromatosis thread in General Disorders subforum).

    And yes. I got a response from someone. This someone noticed that I'd moved room, even signing out and in 3 times before opening up the PM window to chat to me. But it was noticeable and I picked up on that because i'd placed a TS suitable comment in the right room, but more generalised chat covered the room (people in - hi's being said, talk of work etc) - was taking place. I ended up keeping myself distracted somehow - but there were urges to do something more because of how awful I was feeling with it. (I was battling with myself because I know it's a choice and I have control of the choice to act on the urge - but it wasn't a suicidal urge).

    Overall - maybe i'm just growing tired of putting efforts in to get criticised/ignored/distanced from/left behind - and yet even to this day I still keep trying. I don't know why I do it, I just feel compelled to not give up.
  9. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    I'm glad you're not giving up! :) :arms:

    It's not a bad thing to vent or rant sometimes...It's just whether or not other people know when we are ranting and when we want to talk seriously.

    It's reasonable that all sorts of feelings start to come out once we open up a little bit. It's like everything has been kept under pressure, but once the volcano has started, there's no stopping it. The frustration you're feeling with your recent socializing might relate to the past as much as the present.

    I'm sorry you're not meeting with the "success" you'd like...yet. We don't know what the future holds. Eventually, things tend to fall in place for people. Give yourself enough time to be successful. It doesn't happen overnight and it takes some trial and error to find people who will be true friends. The failure really lies with those who are not trustworthy and kind, right?

    As for being ignored/left behind/criticized...You seem like a good person, someone who is observant and caring towards others. How about if you turned some of your compassion toward yourself? Your sense of self was undoubtedly shaped by your past, but the past doesn't have to rule your life now. Take pride in your good qualities, like yourself, love yourself...accept yourself. And others will too.

    I hope you'll keep talking. :)
  10. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I'm guilty of reading posts (yours and others) but not replying, mainly because I'm not sure what to say, or I'm worried about saying the wrong thing and causing the OP to somehow feel worse. Just from being around the forum for so long, I know there are several others who feel the same way; I think a lot of us worry about saying the wrong thing, and so we choose to say nothing. Which, now that I reflect on it, is probably just as bad, if not worse.