I am a non-custodial mom and I want to die now, soon

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by TLA, Aug 21, 2012.

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  1. TLA

    TLA Antiquitie's Friend

    I had a visit (parenting time) with my son this weekend. He is 9 yr old this month. He lives with his father; I lost custody cuz I did not show up for the divorce decree hearing. I deal with a mental health issue, bipolar. I had no car, and relatives refused flat out to take me. They said they did not think I could handle it. I live 4 hours from the court where we divorced. I wanted to take a bus and walk to the court, I should have listened to my gut!!!!!!!!!! I was seriousoly ill when he sued for divorce. I could not defend myself and ex told lies about me. The sherrif served me the papers when I was in psyche ward in hospital. I was in 3 hospitals for 92 days. So in one month I lost my father, my mind, my husband, my home and my only child.

    There are no excuses with this step-mother or my ex. ex refuses to talk to me and defers it all to his wife. She was not there and yet does not know the truth....she is not neutral. He and his whole family believes I would be a bad, dangerous influence on him.

    ex remarried one year ago. I still have feelings for him and never wanted a divorce.

    There is more to this story but I'm trying to condense it. My father died in February 2005. Three days later, my husband (now ex) and I were arguing. I picked up my 17 month old son. we argued over goint to the orthopedic dr. to have my cast removed. [I broke my wrist in a moment of great anger at ex.] I did not want to go to the dr. He thought I should go. I picked up my son as he was crawling up my leg. As we argued, ex says I hit my son with my cast of my right hand. Then I dropped him on the carpeted floor and crib mat below me. I was in a manic rage, Probably had post partum, was unmedicated (due to ex not wanting me on meds), my father just died, it was all this SH**.......that is why I lost custody. My rights were not terminated, yet ex never told my son I was around and loved him. /Then his girlfriend entered the picture when my son was 4-5 years old. I started my own filling to see him when he was 4. now, this has taken since 2009 and still not have a visitation court order yet. Step-mother is trying to say we don't need to go to court. It will not be better for my son, blah, blah....She asks my son if he wants to go see me or spend the night with me, he says no. they are taking the brain of a 9 yr old and mashing it up.

    I am the "visitor". My son was never told about me and now I'm not needed. I cried out to God for help. I am spiritual and love God, but I hate me. I've messed up every area of my life due to bipolar. career was ruined--I was a teacher haha, friendships or lack of, marriage is no more, family rejects me.

    I want to pray for step-mothers death, but feel that is wrong. She kept telling me she is not going anywhere! damn her.

    My son lives 6 hours from me. I cried for the majority of the drive home. Until I had to stop cying cuz it was storming. We welcome the rain so I could not complain. But, I started making plans again. How I need to write letters to make amends to people that I've hurt cuz of bipolar. I've ruined my life with this damn diagnosis. I hate the things that I've done and did not mean to do. I ruined my teaching career, I have no good references to which to get a new job.

    thanks to ex I missed 7 years of my only childs life. Now, my son thinks I am a damn visitor that brings him gifts. WTF is that. (excuse the language, I'm hurting). He is embarrassed by me, does not want his friends to know of me, does not want me to come to his birthday party. I know he is influenced by his father. but geeezz if I can forgive him for leaving me when I was ill, I can forgive him for taking my son away from his momma, if I can forgive him for lying to me...Why in hell can't he forgive me??

    I really want to be gone from this earth, but my brother, who also deals with mental illness too, depends on me more than my son. I'm not needed by anyone else but my brother. If it were not for him, I would off myself fast. We can't discuss methods here. That is where my mind is at. Although I have a job and have to work Wednesday - Saturday this week. I can tie up lose ends and give up seeing my son until he grows up. Maybe then he will want to know the truth, that I was prevented from seeing him, he was hidden from me and I always loved him unconditionally. I don't want to be a deadbeat mom. But, why pay for a kid that is brainwashed from knowing me and knowing I am his real momma. You only have one mother in life and now, I have my child ripped away by this woman. why live more?

    You can judge me as most people who don't understand how this could happen. CPS did not help, they torn us apart. It feels good to release this all, but I fear and must keep the walls up. I don't know what to do or say or think anymore, so I just want to die and be done with the pain and out of this ****** up life.
  2. Thissong

    Thissong New Member

    I'm sorry you're hurting so bad. But you can't give up. My father who has never met me wants nothing to do with me. I don't try to compare my pain to anyone elses but I can tell you that it makes me hurt. I found my dad online when I was 21 and he spoke to me on myspace for a month, then on fathers day he wouldn't pick up the phone. Quit returning my messages and everything. I did find out that I have 2 half sisters that I talk to online all the time and my oldest sister says she talks to him all the time. It makes me feel worthless. I don't know if my words help at all but I hope they might, even just a little. I believe every word you typed and you sound like a great person who has been dealt a very bad hand. Don't give up, stay strong, see your little boy whenever you can. Even if you two never have the stereotypical mother/son relationship, as long as you never stop loving him and being there for him, I'm sure things will get better. It may take time, but even if it took forever, wouldn't it be worth it? I wish you all the good fortune in the world.
  3. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    Two of these four things you can have back (50%), but they will require both time and patience. You will also need assistance, perseverance, good planning, and a desire to find wellness and to become a part of your child's life. Nobody's saying it will be easy. Only you can judge yourself, and only you can direct your future. You say that the only reason you're still here is because of your brother, so you've already given up on your son? Don't do that. With a carefully implemented plan, you can at least gain some of that back again.
  4. Throwmeawayout

    Throwmeawayout Active Member

    I am deeply sorry about how badly you are feeling right now. It sounds like you've had a long, hard struggle.

    Pickwithaustin has given you the best (short) advice you could receive. Getting your son back into your life will take time and patience. You will need to address your own unhappiness. Once you are ready to increase your involvement with your son, his needs will demand precedence in your relationship.

    The rest of this is not advice, merely a different perspective. Everyone who struggles with suicidal thought seems to want both something within and something external to continue living for. Although you are currently estranged, let your son be that external focus. My mother took her life when I was very young. Although I was raised by my caring grandparents, my grandmother was still never able to replace what was missing - motherly love. Although your son is currently too young to have developed a deep understanding of his feelings, one day, he will be very thankful to have you in his life. Beyond that, losing you would create a void that his stepmother will never be able to fill.

    To any step-parents, foster parents, or adoptive parents out there: the above statement is not a judgement against you. Every situation is different, and in some cases you are literally the only parents a child will ever think about. I do not believe that would be the case for TLA and her son.

    TLA - you can still make it work. Things won't go back to how they were, but you can make them even better. Please seek out all the help and support you need to make it happen.
  5. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Yes, I agree..... Hi Honey TLA - things might not be able to go back to how you would like them to be..... but they can, with care and prayer improve from how they are now. We all make mistakes through pressures of life, but there is always the hope that things can improve, and as you say you cried out to God, He heard you and can cause things to work together for good, as He promises (Rom. 8 v28). It's the hating of yourself that needs healing, honey...... if you'd like to PM, I feel I might be able to offer some insight that could help you with this, if you want. I've been in a desperate space before, and the desperation drove me to depend on God's promises. :)
  6. Jack Rabbit

    Jack Rabbit Well-Known Member

    All you can do is live in the future. What has happened cannot be changed. So figure out what you want from your future...
    if you want it to include your son, you will have to work for it - with patience, with strength, with sanity-even if that is a construct of medications. When it is your children, the one option you don't have is giving up.

    With your ex, however, you say you still have feelings. That you would be better off realizing that it belongs in the past. He's not there anymore, anymore than you are. His only presence in your life is going to be as the father of your child.
  7. TLA

    TLA Antiquitie's Friend

    THANK YOU all for showing me support, I really was surprised and sad (or Happy) that others care. Many times a mother is looked down on like having a disease or mentally ill. We are not heartless, I made one mistake and they really are afraid I would hurt my own son. shitheads. I hate my diagnosis.

    You're right, I can use my patience and persistence to restore something of a morsel, better than nothing. I've only seen my son 10 times since we've met that is short I suppose. I mean, my parents split when I was 4 and my dad was not there many many times. Now, all grandparents, parents are passed. son and husband are gone. I'm so alone, i am scared of it some times.

    I was asking God to allow step mother to die now. I felt bad doing that, but that is my true feelings.

    On our second date, I told ex I had bipolar, but I was high on love while with him so he never saw me ill, until we lived together. The stress of married life, etc got to me terribly, but not only me, he did not ever say what I did was wrong or bothered. He never voiced his opinions, denied everything and became co-dependent, they said (CPS).

    It is just too easy to dive into depression when things start to get really tough. ex left me in 2005. I started this in 2009, it is not 2012.
    I am trying to accept that ex never wants to love me again, Fine, if he is happy being with a 400 lb woman i am happy for them. I just do not like/ or cannot deal with being subjected to only talking to step mother, wife and she is NOT my son's parent. She calls herself Chrisitian, but will not allow me to be his rightful mother.

    I want to write more, but I feel empty. Possibly I have nothing to offer my son. I wanted BOTH a husband and a child not one or another.
  8. TLA

    TLA Antiquitie's Friend

    So....2 things, which ones can I have back?? 1. my mind, it helps me function and allows me peace, other things; 2. my son, he is priceless, the splitting image of me, mini Me. I lost my house and husband in divorce. right? is that what you mean? I wish I could twinkle my nose to have all 4 back in place, but ex does not 'want' to understand.

    I have an open court case and an Atty (if that is his speciality)...I am seeing a counselor in late sept or Oct. if I can hold on till then. I will do it. If I fail now, I'll lose all the ground I have gained so far these past 7 years. I'll never give up on him, I may have to step back from visitation. ex married a woman that is a bully to me and likes to be in control. I have her as a supervisor for my visitation times. ex does not or cannot deal with it, with me.

    I do not know if I should ease off things or ask the judge for supervised visits from OTHER person, in other place or unsupervised...I have to know what to ask for before I tell atty to request motion.

    What future do I have? my son will grow up in 9 more years and I have no life now as it is. I have to have something other than my child to fulfill me.
    thanks for caring.
  9. Black Beauty

    Black Beauty Well-Known Member

    <Mod edit> This is vile, vulger and just nasty.
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 25, 2012
  10. TLA

    TLA Antiquitie's Friend

    Moderators: I did see the post by Black Beauty. Your call. I know this is SF. I did not think it was totally vile. Parts of it were nasty, yes, but parts are true to life....men leave their wives for younger models, "hotter" models. So do Wives leave their husbands if they are not happy. It is clear that Black Beauty did not read the previous thread where I state she is 400+ lbs. LARGE. I prefer to think I am "hotter" than she is; I just have self-image problems now and then. Wife/Step-mom may be a little insecure about that. Yet, ex is no Johnny Depp.

    Thanks, TLA
  11. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    Hopefully meaningful relationships are not based upon who looks "hotter." I'm not sure that I understand why the weight of his new wife has any bearing on the situation.

    You are at a low point right now, but you can recover, over time. You can set a plan and work on it, regaining probably everything you feel you have "lost," except your ex husband. He is married now. You can find wellness. You can rekindle your relationship with your child. You can have a home again.

    My father passed away a few months ago as well. I recently obtained, from an uncle, one of his paintings (he was an artist) that I can remember him by. Memories of our loved ones when they are gone are very important.
  12. TLA

    TLA Antiquitie's Friend

    It need to not matter our size or looks for positive, fufilling, meaningful relationships.....but it sometimes does. I was responding to the previous thread on here. It matters to me that she is Large, because my ex married her.

    When my father passed, step-mother took all his momentos, collectables, hats, clothes, photos, everything that she could find and cleared it out. She later had an estate sale and got rid of more. I got nothing. I would have liked to have his comboy hat or something. Much later, I needed a phone for my apartment. (For I did not receive anything in divorce except my clothes). My aunt gave me a phone and told me it belonged to my Dad. So, I have his phone. That and photos...that is something that step-mothers do. It was not necessary, although, she was in shock, I accept that. But, he was my Dad I was his oldest daughter.

    It will be 7 years in December that we have been officially divorced. I am still accepting & recovering. I'm slow, I know. I was 'standing' for my marriage to be restored. I realize there is nothing I can say or do for that to happen; I had to release the prayer and my wishes to God's hands. I still pray for him, I mostly pray for ex to be a good, fair parent. I don't feel loved or respected by someone that does not help me to be healthy, loved and in control. I do most, of my own care, but he was my husband and I trusted his voice. He never voiced the feelings he had relating to how the marriage was going, or what he felt, what he experienced by my outbursts or behavior.

    My plan to see & and get to know my child is in effect, I don't have it all written or conceptualized. His birthday is today. He is the reason I am alivel
    I have rent-controlled, safe apartment. I am blessed by having that. Food, clothes, shelter...3 things I need.
    I will be focused on my recovery everyday until I die. If one day the government cuts off disibility and drug programs, I will be sad for I cannot take medication if I cannot afford it. I will always work on my own wellness & banishing these hated suicidal emotions/thoughts. I wanted a helpmeet to keep his vows and know that thru poorer, worse times, and terrible sickness we would stay married and fight together. Two are better than one, for if one falls the other can pick him up.
  13. TLA

    TLA Antiquitie's Friend

    Things never will get better do they????? WHY do some of us have great, pretty decent lives (like my sisters) while mine is so fuckedup????? Makes me hate myself and this world more.
    I just don't think it is worthwhile to last. Why live???? I have nothing. nothing.
  14. Samara

    Samara Account Closed

    I think you probably have many of the answers to that question, as to the difference in your life, and that of your sisters'. I wanted to say that you might need to get some professional psychological breakdown on this, to figure out your own personal patterns that create revolving door scenarios in your own life; but then I saw that you have been on this site since 2005, so I presume that you probably have had a team or a therapist in the past... maybe you have already gained some insight then, or maybe they have failed you miserably as medical helpers.

    I am not sure what the case is there, but if you are still asking for the answers now, then perhaps I might give you some of them...

    Part of the reason why your life is messed up, is because you still have not properly addressed and acquainted yourself with the real issues, which is also why you are asking why it's messed up to begin with. The real issues are the things that fuel your decisions, and fuel your emotional reactions... by 'things' I mean deep rooted core values, and personal beliefs.

    Any time those values and beliefs are threatened, a person may react in such a way that destroys the trigger threatening to harm those deep values; or a person may react in a way that to the rest of society appears to be very odd, because they desperately need to fulfil a core need.

    What those needs and beliefs are for each individual tend to be kind of similar... but can branch off into very specific needs, and also can be arranged differently in terms of priorities and importance in one's life.

    Some examples of these, are the need to feel useful/worthy to others, the need to feel helpful/appreciated. The need to feel wanted/sense of belonging. The need to feel understood (sense of connection with others) etc...

    These are very important things, that obviously are not being met in your life, in one way or another, and there are many that go beyond this.

    For your sisters, the way that such things are met, are more simple.

    But for you, you have ideas, expectations, and other needs that all intertwine and surround this entire core within you. You have doubts, and have sat down and thought and felt about things well beyond what your sisters could have.

    If they are really THAT happy, then they are likely in a very shallow bubble, one that basically can be pleased more easily, and one where they don't spend the time to get to know the darker sides of life, or one where if they ever start to feel too bad, they don't even bother looking into it, and just sort of fake their way out of the problem by emotionally ignoring it altogether.

    Many people get by in life this way, and thus never really know what it is like to be depressed, or what it is like to even truly wonder about the point and purpose of life; because they find purpose in things that might seem more simple, and they have figured out how to do that, and it works for them.

    But obviously what works for them, is not working for you. You are trying to shove yourself into a mold you weren't even designed for.

    You are saying that you have nothing, I don't disagree.

    The ways in which you have attempted to "get" something, have obviously not worked, but that does not mean that you cannot have what you want, or what you dream of; but do sit down and ask yourself what you truly want here.

    If you wanted things so bad, howcome they are just not happening for you? Howcome you somehow destroy it each time? etc...?

    Maybe part of that is on purpose, from a deeper part of you, because you actually want something more, something better... something completely different in the first place?

    The point of living, in your life, has nothing to do with what anyone else is doing, or how they are living, or if they are happy or not happy... but moreso refers to what you actually want, and what you'd like to see happen, and what kind of happiness could come your way, and all kinds of things that YOU would find wonderful.

    Unfortunately, to cite an example, I will use myself here. People often call me weird. Sometimes people just don't like me. But that "weird" that everyone seems to see, is what I LOVE in life, is what makes ME happy... seems like nobody wants me to be happy then. But that is what works for me, and that is what life would mean to me.

    If I were to listen to other people's ideas of life, I would be very unhappy and miserable, and I already am that most of the time, but imagine if I listened to people constantly about what my life should be?

    There is so much more that can be said on what you said above. So many more ideas, and concepts, and feelings etc... that can be shared, or discussed, or made known etc...

    But for now I want you to think of the last time you laughed. See if you can remember what it was about or over?

    Is it maybe too long ago, that now you don't even know?

    Or was it maybe with someone you know, a buddy, or a person online?

    Or was it a movie or a clip you saw?

    Or is it the idea of something?

    Think about it, and if you feel like it's too long ago, and so far off that you don't even know anymore how it feels; remind yourself of a time when you giggled to yourself, or you laughed with someone....and think about how that felt. Think about how YOU felt in that moment, to just find some humour in something...

    Can you really say it was bad? Could you feel that way ever again, if you finalized your feelings now, to just end it all? Could you ever get such a thing in your future, if you cut your future completely out, and take it all away permanently?

    That could be a tiny sliver of what could be for you, if that is what you want... life is not supposed to be ONE thing alone. Please remember that. It is supposed to be many things, many, many, many different things.

    This balling up of life, into one big thing, that it must be everything, or nothing at all.. is a thought process. It is not a reality, but rather is a way of thinking, and it is a destructive thought process that needs to be overcome. Therapy would teach you that, and would show you how to do that, and would show you how to recognize when that thinking pattern is in motion; because that pattern is not who you are, not what you are worth, nor is it what your future will be either. It is just a process that the mind gets wrapped up in, and when left to it's own devices, eventually can become a sort of routine, and habit.

    But there are good and bad habits, I am sure you know.

    Both have to do with the kind of results we get on a personal level, and how it makes us feel. I want you to consider that part of how you can feel is a part of what you will let yourself too... and it's not always about consciously saying "OK I want to feel good"... sometimes it's about digging out the habits that prevent us from truly doing that.

    (I suspect that you might know a lot of what I just said, or maybe have heard this before, or might be aware of some of this if you have had any sort of professional counselling in the past. But I said it anyway. Not to rub anything in or make you feel like I am preaching to the choir etc... but to hopefully remind you that you need to take a step back from your thoughts right now, and from your feelings, and objectively look at things again. This is all for you, by you, and from you... to you... with this 'life'.)

  15. Raphael1

    Raphael1 Well-Known Member

    Bipolar is a very difficult condition to suffer with. As you can probaly see it wrecks havoc on your life. It's vital that you give yourself a support system and treatment in order to help your recovery. There is a range of treatments avaliable and you have probaly had consultation about some of these. I advise you to more actively seek treatment however. Your relationship with you son can be re-gained, things in your life can change you can adapt and turn things around more and more. But in order to do this you must go through recovery and put the hard work in to achieve it. I'm not saying it's easy but I am saying it's worth the effort.

    One of the main things to get yourself through all this, is the will to focus and be optimistic and to keep a sense of humor even about the darker side of things. You need to work on your self esteem and gradually prove to yourself achievements through long term efforts. You need to find a good psychologist.

    One thing I would note when you are feeling suicidal, is ending it all going to solve anything? What will you get out of ending it all? Who will you hurt and who will suffer? What will you have lost if you much that drastic decision. What opportunities would be forever burried. In life there is often much suffering, but in suffering there is also gains, very valuable gains, to be had. Even in teh face of difficulty.

    Just so you know I read your posts and listened. and hope this feedback helps.
  16. TLA

    TLA Antiquitie's Friend

    samara, and Raphael1--
    Thank you for your feedback. It does help me to know someone cares!!!!! I do try to sort things out. I feel defeated. Yet, I'm trying....I sometimes wonder why. I have thought of death so often the past 7 years. It feels to me like 2 years ago did it happen, but I know it is 7 years. 2005 was my crisis year.

    Bipolar has been the downfall of me, I don't want "it" (bipolar) or my mental health issues to be the end of me. I just want to be happy...I saw a new affirmation today "The best feeling comes when you finally realize you're perfectly happy without the people you thought you needed the most". I always think I need my husband. He was it for me. He was so kind & understanding about me & things, but mental health he had no desire to care. I blame myslef for that too, for not sharing or educating him about me and my symptoms. He exaggerated things about our marriage and my behavior to divorce me and get custody. Don't get me wrong guys, I am glad my husband loves my child. I am glad my son will have a better childhood than I did, with my divorced parents and absent father. On the bad side, He told me I should not take the meds.

    I take 6 medications daily now, & I've had classes in basic dialectically therapy. I just don't see any leeway or progress on my side. I am not about to make the same mistakes, but fear, some anxiety control me too. My pdoc makes me see that I'm not where I was 5 years ago. He always said "later you will be glad you are still here" .....I'm not glad, I'm just too afraid of the wrath of God and afterlife of hell. I am spiritual.

    I have an appointment later this month to get into counseling, see a psychologist or LPC. I know I really need it, I need to work thru this shit. My self-esteem has never been great, but now it is at a all-time low. It is hard to be optimistic. I am able to focus, be patient. I have part-time job & am seeking full-time. I just am missing the pieces of my life. Convincing myself it will be worthwhile is tough at times. I hate my life since my husband and child left me.

    I am able to keep my sense of humor...I love to laugh at the funny pet captions and ecards on facebook. Without that I would not laugh at all. I cannot recall the last movie I saw. I cry in from of my son's step-mother. I get sad that he has been so alienated from me, he was not told I am his mom and I live in another town. He was pulled out of my life and everyone believes I did it on purpose. I did not. No one wants to believe that I am in recovery everyday. I don't want to sound like a massive complainer here. I am so grateful for my apartment, food, my clothes

    Anyhow, I never wanted to be a single parent. I've been seeing my son for 10 months now, since last August. I only get to see him 4 hours a month. I am waiting for the next court hearing date now. I am planning to ask judge to set visits in another place, away from step-mother and ex, away from their home. It is very uncomfortable for me, but I am doing it to be better for my son. I lack good legal advice, although I do have an attorney. I feel he has no strategy or does not know what he's doing.

    :mellow: I will try to bear it this month.
  17. dragonfly70

    dragonfly70 Well-Known Member

    My heart goes out to you, Tracy. Your story was almost my own in 2003. Though we had different outcomes, I know some of the pain you're going through. You have every right to feel angry about how the system treated you. Sometimes they spin things that are actually positive into something completely different. That being said, I think you'd have a better chance of seeing your son more if you went through a social services agency for visitation rather than having your ex's new wife supervise you. She's going to be negatively biased, no matter what you do. You need a more neutral party whose hopefully more objective stance could help you in future court hearings. Be persistent in your efforts to maintain contact with your son. Someday he will be old enough to decide for himself whom he wants to see and he will know you were there over the years. I know it could be a potentially long wait, but I believe it will be worth it.

    In the meantime, continue what you are doing in your recovery. I am glad you have things like housing and medical care in place. Keep all of your appointments, work hard in therapy, and somehow try to find the small joys in life. Some days it's going to hurt like hell. Then others, not so much. Let God carry you through this. I'm not particularly religious any more, but I have felt the weight taken off my shoulders in prayer. Give it to Him.

    Oh, and try to let go of the emotional hold your sisters seem to have on you. I am also the odd one out among me and my two sisters - they are joined at the hip and I have always been the unstable outcast. But you know what? I have felt more deeply, loved more deeply, and experienced more of life than they ever will and they will live out the rest of their lives in sheltered complacency while I stand tall knowing I did have a harder time of things and stared Death in the face and won. Who's the real success story here? The ones who had it seemingly easy or the one who got dealt a shitty hand and played it to the best of her abilities? My vote's for the one who lived despite the pain.


    Edited note: I was writing this as you wrote your last post. It sounds like you've got a good handle on much of this. Keep up the good work. One question though - can you get a different attorney? This is too important to put up with someone who's not giving your case 100%. I'm not sure if he's state-appointed, but most states have legal aid departments in addition to the regular "state's attorneys" who are assigned to you by the state. Going through a Legal Aid service will give you access to private attorneys who will work for you for free or a much reduced rate. Here's a place to start: http://www.texaslawhelp.org/TX/index.cfm

    Good luck and keep us posted!
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 4, 2012
  18. Raphael1

    Raphael1 Well-Known Member

    It is tough but it sounds like you are already taking the right steps and made a lot of progress. Did you know you could get this far or survive this long from it? If one psychologist doesn't suit you, go to another. No everyone is right for everyone. I can understand more than anyone that there is nothing more difficult then breaking ties with the people who are most important in your life. That in itself is enough to trigger a breakdown. Keep going with the forms of treatment and even though emotions are important, so is your logic. It wouldn't make sense to throw your life away. Even the most tiny pleasures of life, in my opinion are worth living for. Infact I prefer to suffer a lot gaining little, and still live. Than to not live at all. You will be able to enjoy things you like doing, and goals and ambitions will keep you moving forward. It hurts sometimes to think about all the things in the past that have affected us, and sometimes just to help the pain we need to focus a lot on our future and planning for the future. It was not the best decision for your ex husband to advise you against taking medication considering the dangers and difficulties of bipolar, which he probaly did not understand, and some are against medications. In this case they are something required. You are probaly a nice attractive lady and capable of finding another guy that better suits you and you probaly will in the future. And there's no need to be optimistic about everything or unrealistically so. But there is a need to keep a balance and keep hope alive as I'm sure you know.

    Also custody battles can be long drawn out processes. You may need to speak to more than one lawyer for the best plan. The more you can afford for legal support the better ofcourse.
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 6, 2012
  19. TLA

    TLA Antiquitie's Friend

    As promised, I am writing again...I did not forget, time just passes so fast when you are wasting time on the ups and downs the merry-go-round.
    I really appreciate you writing Dragonfly70. I felt that I lack support and any friends that I can confide in. My best friends here on earth cannot relate and don't identify or understand anxiety, fears, depression or loss of your own child. I wish I had friends IN REAL LIFE that I could talk to, but I make do with internet pals.

    I deal with my family of orgin, or blood relatives as littlie as possible in my daily thoughts and actions. It makes me very sad that they act like they do. I have one female cousin that acknowledges me (we play a game on facebook-shocked me) and my uncle too, her father. But they also believe my aunt and shun me from doing things within "the family". I do feel judged and that is wrong from where they sit. HELL, they have their flaws, have babies when they are 16, get hooked on drugs at 18 and have the nerve to judge me. Sometimes it helps to come here and know people can relate and see the stupidness of my "relatives". I don't think judging or disowning those that need your help is right at all. That is why I miss my grandmother so very much, she was like the mother in my life. She accepted my brother and I and tried to UNDERSTAND and EDUCATE herself. Wow. She was a miracle in my life. She passed in March.

    I have thought long time and been advised to get another attorney, but I really lack the $$$$!! I am scared but I know Mr. atty could have already quit on me, but hasn't yet. I save up $2000.00, then have to use some for paying medical stuff for my son. I am applying for full time jobs where I'll be off on weekends and can see my child easier. I have gone thru legal aid. Legal aid is how I did my first filing, they cannot help with custody cases; they reasoned to me they must be very selective which cases they accept and mine is not one. I paid for this pressent guy, and he was expensive to me, but cheap too. Sometimes I call him ASS atty, he was chosen quickly (bad advice) on the feelings that he is from the town and went to school with the judge (good advice) and he knows the players (in court). He does care and seems to have my interests, but many times he is silent. Live and learn....I just want ours divorce decree modified and then with next modification I'll hire a FEmale FAMILY law atty that can relate and will take my case knowing I am a healthy loving mother except for a dumb brain disorder. Besides, even if I get the money, I don't think I will benefit from a new lawyer while the new wife and ex are using alienation strategies on my son's mind.

    I've had to come to grips with my husband. or "ex" as I call him. He left me when I needed him most. He broke his vows that he swore before God and myself, our families. I still and always will have unconditional love for him. (He's no looker. He is balding and way overweight. But he was my prince) He is the father of my child. (Plus, it bother his wife.) He was always kind to me, looking out for my saftey, but not my health. He went overboard in MY needs, not his. I was wrong in the fact that he seemed to be a sincere Christian man that was a gentleman...but if he really loves me he would be there for me and we could be stronger. He chose not to care---that is what is hardest for me to accept and everytime I read or type that sentence, I get tears in my eyes. Sad, mournful tears. God knows my heart. Sometimes dreams don't come true.

    I am really down because my WHOLE life feels like a fuckup adventure. Why can't sometimes things go right. I cried during my whole wedding ceremony. I was in disbelief that I was actually at 36 years of age getting married to a person I loved, respected and liked to be with. I thought, just as with my career, it would last forever. NO, damn bipolar had to ruin that too.
    That is why I think, why try...
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 11, 2012
  20. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Honey, I am making progress in my journey of understanding the psych stuff - and am reading a book about Jung - the famous psychologist. Just this afternoon I came across something so helpful, I hope you won't mind me passing it onto you.

    Have to go for tea now. will send it to you in a PM. Later
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