I had a visit (parenting time) with my son this weekend. He is 9 yr old this month. He lives with his father; I lost custody cuz I did not show up for the divorce decree hearing. I deal with a mental health issue, bipolar. I had no car, and relatives refused flat out to take me. They said they did not think I could handle it. I live 4 hours from the court where we divorced. I wanted to take a bus and walk to the court, I should have listened to my gut!!!!!!!!!! I was seriousoly ill when he sued for divorce. I could not defend myself and ex told lies about me. The sherrif served me the papers when I was in psyche ward in hospital. I was in 3 hospitals for 92 days. So in one month I lost my father, my mind, my husband, my home and my only child. There are no excuses with this step-mother or my ex. ex refuses to talk to me and defers it all to his wife. She was not there and yet does not know the truth....she is not neutral. He and his whole family believes I would be a bad, dangerous influence on him. ex remarried one year ago. I still have feelings for him and never wanted a divorce. There is more to this story but I'm trying to condense it. My father died in February 2005. Three days later, my husband (now ex) and I were arguing. I picked up my 17 month old son. we argued over goint to the orthopedic dr. to have my cast removed. [I broke my wrist in a moment of great anger at ex.] I did not want to go to the dr. He thought I should go. I picked up my son as he was crawling up my leg. As we argued, ex says I hit my son with my cast of my right hand. Then I dropped him on the carpeted floor and crib mat below me. I was in a manic rage, Probably had post partum, was unmedicated (due to ex not wanting me on meds), my father just died, it was all this SH**.......that is why I lost custody. My rights were not terminated, yet ex never told my son I was around and loved him. /Then his girlfriend entered the picture when my son was 4-5 years old. I started my own filling to see him when he was 4. now, this has taken since 2009 and still not have a visitation court order yet. Step-mother is trying to say we don't need to go to court. It will not be better for my son, blah, blah....She asks my son if he wants to go see me or spend the night with me, he says no. they are taking the brain of a 9 yr old and mashing it up. I am the "visitor". My son was never told about me and now I'm not needed. I cried out to God for help. I am spiritual and love God, but I hate me. I've messed up every area of my life due to bipolar. career was ruined--I was a teacher haha, friendships or lack of, marriage is no more, family rejects me. I want to pray for step-mothers death, but feel that is wrong. She kept telling me she is not going anywhere! damn her. My son lives 6 hours from me. I cried for the majority of the drive home. Until I had to stop cying cuz it was storming. We welcome the rain so I could not complain. But, I started making plans again. How I need to write letters to make amends to people that I've hurt cuz of bipolar. I've ruined my life with this damn diagnosis. I hate the things that I've done and did not mean to do. I ruined my teaching career, I have no good references to which to get a new job. thanks to ex I missed 7 years of my only childs life. Now, my son thinks I am a damn visitor that brings him gifts. WTF is that. (excuse the language, I'm hurting). He is embarrassed by me, does not want his friends to know of me, does not want me to come to his birthday party. I know he is influenced by his father. but geeezz if I can forgive him for leaving me when I was ill, I can forgive him for taking my son away from his momma, if I can forgive him for lying to me...Why in hell can't he forgive me?? I really want to be gone from this earth, but my brother, who also deals with mental illness too, depends on me more than my son. I'm not needed by anyone else but my brother. If it were not for him, I would off myself fast. We can't discuss methods here. That is where my mind is at. Although I have a job and have to work Wednesday - Saturday this week. I can tie up lose ends and give up seeing my son until he grows up. Maybe then he will want to know the truth, that I was prevented from seeing him, he was hidden from me and I always loved him unconditionally. I don't want to be a deadbeat mom. But, why pay for a kid that is brainwashed from knowing me and knowing I am his real momma. You only have one mother in life and now, I have my child ripped away by this woman. why live more? You can judge me as most people who don't understand how this could happen. CPS did not help, they torn us apart. It feels good to release this all, but I fear and must keep the walls up. I don't know what to do or say or think anymore, so I just want to die and be done with the pain and out of this ****** up life.