I am a pot addict. I am ready to admit it.

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by thepainwithin, May 5, 2013.

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  1. thepainwithin

    thepainwithin Well-Known Member

    I will start by saying, I hate posting things online. I feel like no one could ever say anything to make me feel better, and I feel like most people just look and the length and immediately stop reading before they ever started. That being said, this is more just a therapeutic outlet for me. I do not apologize for lack of flow or getting off topic.

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    I'll begin my story by saying I have been arrested twice for small amounts of pot. Looking back now, I can honestly say, despite the court systems best attempts to tell me I was weak and powerless and would be nothing without God (they sent me to AA for weed), I did NOT have a problem, NOR was I addicted to pot back then.

    Probation is the REASON I became an addict. The court system is no way whatsoever, a positive thing for addicts. It starts with police lying to you, no matter how respectful you are to them. I had never had so much as a speeding ticket, and it wasn't until after speaking to my attorney that I found out I didn't have to voluntarily give up anything to the police. I was a kid, a kid who was taught the police are our friends, after years of D.A.R.E., and even though I handed over everything to the officer, he still lied to me and told me I HAD to do things, and that by doing these things, the courts would go easier on me.

    Next you get to court. It doesn't matter where you come from, a judge automatically assumes you are trash. I can't blame the judges, though, I'm sure they do deal without a lot of real trash. But it's really unfortunate they treat everyone as the lowest of the low.

    Then you meet your probation officer, if you are lucky, she will look you in the eyes as if you are a real person.

    The court system can only tell you are an addict, even if you are not, and they treat you as such. Since there are no pot rehab clinics, all they could do was send me to alcohol rehab. I met people with real addictions. 30 year olds who had drank so much they couldn't talk, heroin addicts in the rehab program not after a week of being released from prison. Not jail. Prison. And here I am, an 18 year old kid, middle class kid, who got arrested for pot, now I'm forced to interact with REAL drug addicts, people who steal to support their habit.

    Not that I should be treated any differently because I'm middle class, but it's suffice to say you learn a lot more from the people they make you hangout with than you do from any classes they make you take.

    What I learned on probation: How to get a med card (I'm from Michigan), how to buy pot clones and grow them, where to get cocaine, which synthetic drugs get you the highest, what websites will send you synthetic drugs... etc... They made me, someone who had never been in trouble before, hangout with grown men who joked about the jails they had stayed in and if you were going to jail, which ones were the "best".

    After one stay on probation, it is 100% clear to me how petty shoplifters and pot smokers can become murderers. I would be lying if I said I never thought about, not only murdering the officer who arrested me, but torturing him "Hostel" style... I would be lying if I said blowing up the court house never crossed my mind... and I was not arrested for a violent crime, nor am I violent person. To put it simply, probation could care less if you succeed, if you fail, it's just more money for them.
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    So next you get into probation. Forced to call in at 6:30 AM every morning, forced to go to classes where all they could do was tell me I had problems, that I wasn't in control, forced to go to AA for pot... etc... Needless to say, I hated everyone in the probation program, all the "teachers", the judges, the POs, I still, to this day, have a burning hatred for police. So I tried to sneak in smoking and get away with it. I actually only violated probation for pot once, it wasn't the end of the world, they just ended probation. Had I known I had the option to just accept that these things would be on my record, I would've done it. Having a record is easier than probation.

    I smoked pot out of spite, I smoked out hatred, told them I didn't have problems, because at first, I really didn't. I could control it. I go weeks and weeks without smoking. But the one thing probation turned me into was a chain cigarette smoker. A habit I'm glad only lasted a year. (Cigarettes were easier to quit than pot). I smoked synthetic pots, every kind of K2 and incense you could imagine (and on a side note, this is why I believe that demonizing synthetics was a little absurd. I smoked synthetics, about 20 different kinds, and never had these hallucinations people claim you have. It is my opinion that these parents demonizing synthetics are in denial that their children are on harder drugs than synthetic pot). But I digress.

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    Finally probation ended. And when I got my freedom back, all I could think was how much I wanted to smoke pot. I wanted pot the first hour I was off probation. I was tired of synthetics, I was tired of having to sneak in a hit or two between tests. I was sick of it.

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    Nearly 2 years later, I have not gone a full week without smoking, after almost 3 years of probation. I have smoked more days than not. I have a pot problem.

    It is my belief that probation is why I smoke. Whereas most of my friends grew out of pot, I had a constant reminder of pot everyday because of probation. I have no friends from high school. When I got arrested, they all stopped hanging out with me. (I am not trying to brag, but I fell a long way. Captain of the high school swim team, in a city of 100,000 people, well known throughout the entire state of Michigan as an elite swimmer in high school... freshman year of college is when I got arrested, and other things happened that aren't meant for this post). I am still ashamed to show my face around town, not just because of the two arrests, although they are a big, BIG part of it.

    I wanted to show them I didn't have a problem and I could control it. And it turned into a problem.

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    I have so much anxiety, and I'd nearly been arrested once since then. I am 22 and moved into a house full of sophomores, the cops had showed up twice before school had even started. I was the only person over 21 at the party my roommates were throwing (I didn't know any of them, I moved in blind, but they were friends), some kids were smoking pot outside and the cops ran into our house. Thank god my door was shut and locked and my name wasn't on the lease yet. I almost blacked out in fear, because I am afraid of police.

    Anyway, I kind of forget where I was going with this. But I used to be one of those typical pot smokers, who used the irrational arguments that pot should be legal because alcohol is, etc... And now that I've grown a little and moved on from the burnouts I hung out around in high school, I realize pot addiction is real. My friends are in the same place, and what's worse, have the same "I don't give an f" attitude about getting into a car with blood shot eyes. You think they would've learned from my mistakes, but being cool is more important.

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    So I guess to conclude, if you have made it this far, it is time to quit and grow up. I am an Engineering student and my grades are slipping, I wonder how great I would be at calculus, or computer programming had I spent all that time practicing it instead of getting high and playing Warcraft, putting things off until the last minute.

    It is time to quit all my addictions (or not addictions). Pot and the Internet are my main addictions, and yes, Internet addiction is real. As someone who has been online since I was 6 in 1996, looking back, I wish I would've never started, especially now that I've heard studies show kids who use the Internet before 12 are more prone to mental and social disorders... me in a nutshell, (but I can't and don't blame my parents for letting me use it at such as a young age, it was me who over used it, and still over uses it as I get older. I don't understand why I go to websites I hate, daily, that just piss me off. Websites that give people free range to comment on things that have nothing to do with them really piss me off. Especially if they can rate your opinions. That's why I stay off facebook. I used to go to CNN just for news, but now it's straight to the comments without reading the stories, and the comments just piss me off. Why do I subject myself to that?

    Alcohol, while I'm not addicted, is something I would like to give up altogether. I can tell I'm close to addiction. There are times when I say I'll only drink 3 beers in this 6 pack, and I drink the whole thing until I pass out. I can walk away from a beer, though, so there is still hope that I could use alcohol in extreme moderation, maybe if I ever decide to start being social again and going to parties, which I stopped going to 4 years ago.

    I am going to quit cold turkey. Because I have to. It makes me sick how much money I have spent on pot (it wasn't so bad when were getting high on regs, but damn, this stuff from the dispensaries is expensive). I could've put that away and had some money, but I stopped caring about money when probation took everything I saved up in 18 years. Everything. It cost me nearly $10k for two arrests. I couldn't even afford the first one.

    My problem is that I don't have any friends. None. Not 1 friend.

    F it, I'm going to post this, I feel like I'm rambling and I keep thinking about just erasing it all.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: May 5, 2013
  2. meaningless-vessel

    meaningless-vessel Well-Known Member

    I am impressed that you have been able to realise that you do have an issue, and you have the chance to do something about it. While that is good in itself, the one thing that stood out for me the most was that you looked to blame probation for the choices you made while on it.

    Most addictions are borne of something to control, whether it's alcohol, food, drugs, cigarettes or other stuff. We hardly ever consider what we're doing, and how we can change our individual actions, but if we did, we'd be able to find simpler ways of maybe 'quitting' or self moderating, sometimes without the need for medication.

    However, quitting cold turkey could have more damaging consequences than gradual reductions. The only way to find this out is to try cold turkey, but if that doesn't work, maybe keep a diary of how much you smoke and see if you can wean yourself off it.

    And as for friends, perhaps being social would be a useful distraction while you look to stop. Best of luck in trying.
     
  3. thepainwithin

    thepainwithin Well-Known Member

    They say you are who you hang around. It's clear to me now how people so desperately in the grip of addiction never get clean; probation simply does not promote getting clean.

    Yes, I made some wrong choices on probation, but one can only be told so many "you are an addict. You are powerless". If Im not in control of me, who is? Addiction didn't start until after probation. I probably would've grown out of it by now. They call you a drug addict, then tell you you have to go see a doctor... And what does the doctor do? Prescribe you with "legal" drugs.

    One vice to the next. Now I can't go a day without my anxiety medication, and I can't fall asleep without trazadone. I run out of a prescription when I'm down at school and I don't sleep for weeks, nothing can put me to sleep, not melatonin, not any over the counter sleep aids, nothing.

    One bad drug addiction to a "good" drug addiction. Although I don't abuse my medication, I can't sleep without it; like an alcoholic who can't sleep without alcohol, how is this any different? And this addiction is ok by the courts.

    I don't ever have a problem stopping weed when I need to, or going on vacations without pot; I don't fiend, I don't long for it.

    What I do have a problem with is being social. My parents can see this. And the worst part about this is they think I'm not trying to be social. My mom said "well why don't you ask that guy you hangout with if he knows any girls, or if his girlfriend can hook you up with someone?" So I did. He said no.

    So it's not for lack of trying. But I'm 2 states from home at school and I don't know anyone. I used to hate the loneliness of college but now it's just apart of me. It's just really hard, especially at the school I go to where everyone sticks with the people they grew up, with to find a social circle. I feel like an outsider, and I am.
     
  4. ashamedguilt

    ashamedguilt Member

    Dam I had to quite pot and that synthetic stuff as well as a whole lot of other drugs. For it started out as recreational use then before I know it I was full time user. Lucky I never got arrested but the things I did high were stupid and reckless and also shameful. My friends parents found out about it when my friends decided to do what I was doing but thankfully they didn't call authorities I am still friends with those people but I knew I had to throw out all the stuff. I fucked up my life by just barely passing school and managed to just barely to got to uni yet failing at it but am still going at it now.sometimes cold turkey quitting is the best way because if you try to cut down sometimes it can go out of hand. Financially now I am much better off, am managing to come ripe again at learning but I always do feel antisocial because of what I have caused upon myself but am slowly going to parties again of friends and resisting the pull of just one more time of using recreationally using drugs again but thankfully saying no when the urge arrives or someone offers. In time if things will get get better the longer you abstain and I wish you all the best in quitting and just keep trying at it no mo matter what and things will begin to go good again
     
  5. critter

    critter Member

    if you are addicted to pot,,I WOULD stay away from all other drugs..please stay clean
     
  6. ub3

    ub3 Banned Member

    you strike me as above average intelligence bright young man and falling from grace usually happens to the best of us aka falling on your own sword...Its just the way the cookies crumble...I like you spent too much negative mental attention on blaming the by product concequences of my own internal condition and bad choices on everything but me... as a result i became bitter and stuck in the problem...Its very simple because i spent my life blaming everything and everybody else for my circumstances .I could never fix the problem and move forward fruitfully because i refused to take responsibility for my own self inflicted demise. The moment i stopped blaming and being a victim...I empowered myself fix the problem and move on...I couldnt save my arse and my face at the same time...I had to humble myself and accept help before really bad nasty things started to happen...From what youve expressed very clearly in your post... from my own personal experience im assuming you are suffering from the disease of addiction which is real and gets worse if not treated approapriatley I would suggest finding M.A meetings if not NA or Just continue to do it your way...but i would stongly recommend the former peace and light
     
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