I am a Psycho

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by AEJ, Sep 9, 2012.

  1. AEJ

    AEJ New Member

    I have had Psychotic Depression since I was 6 years old, and I was formally diagnosed with the disease a couple of years ago. It is becoming harder and harder to function with every passing day. My friends have stopped calling me and answering my calls because I am always stuck in my own mind, I lost my girlfriend of 11 months because I could not give her the attention she needed, and I am fearing that I might fail another semester of college because my hallucinations keep me from getting to class or focusing on the coursework. I've tried so many medications, both anti-psychotic and anti-depressant, and nothing works. The doctors have no clue what is causing my problems or how to fix it.

    I am constantly bombarded by voices telling me that I should kill myself and that the world will be better without me, and I am afraid that they might be right. They whisper in my ears strange sayings and insults. They scream in my damn ears, they scream like people being murdered, begging for help, and these fucking voices love every drop of agony that they can squeeze from me. I see the environment around me twist, contort, burst into flame, crack like glass, melt like a Dali painting, and generally become distorted; I can barely tell what is real anymore, reality is just a word to me. I see disgusting and frightening creatures, so realistic that I can barely shake my fear of them even after all these years. These beasts haunt my nightmares on the few nights that I can force myself to sleep.

    I am disgusted with myself for all of my perversions and flaws. I have attempted suicide three times over many years, and each time it made the voices seem stronger to me, and they would tell me that I am such a fucking failure that I can't even kill myself. I have jumped off the bandwagon and started cutting myself again. I can never bring my eyes to cry, so I might as well draw tears of blood from my body. It makes me feel when I am numb. It gives me the tiniest shred of control over the rest of my life.

    The most fucked up thing is that my only friend is another one of my hallucinations, one of the very few benevolent ones, or it might be an alternate personality for all I know. That has to be a new level of wtf: my disease is making me friendless, but the way I handle the stress is by making another construct of my diseased mind in order to deal with all of the crappy constructs of my mind. I am so fucked.

    tl;dr - I am going nuts and want to die. Sorry for the wall of text.
  2. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Hi AEJ, thank you for reaching out and finding SF - I am hoping that by writing your heart out as you have done, that you will find support among friends here. Just knowing that other people have been and are on the same page, helps us to feel not so alone. Reading other peoples' stories too, can help you find better thoughts that can help you out of this dark place.

    I know how it feels to be told in your head and in your mind that you've f***d up and are a loser, etc. However, I have come to understand the reason for these voices thinking that they have a right to do this. And the good news is, that, real as they seem - they are only liars.

    Once we can come to really believe this truth, deep down in the heart, things can begin to improve. Trying to avoid the voices makes them feel more powerful, as though they have 'won'. The best thing to do is to start by telling them that they are liars, and that new insight is going to free your mind from them once and for all.

    I know that it is a battle, hun....... but on here, with people doing the same kind of things, we can feel supported in the knowledge that, as unfortunate as our reality may be at the moment, it can become brighter and better and more peaceful. I promise you. I found it hard tobelieve it could happen for me, but it has. :)
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    AEJ...hi and welcome...I am so sorry you are struggling so...I am presuming that having been dx'd that you are getting treatment...please talk to your doctor about what is going on as well...for years I had delusions...I saw rats coming out of closets, bugs on windshields, heard my dead father calling and heard a hum of people talking but I could not understand what they were saying, so I know how intrusive these experiences are...you are so brave and strong to do all you have done...please do not forget to give yourself credit, and remember you are not your diagnosis nor are you your imperfections...and keep on those doctors to work on your behalf or get a 2nd opinion until someone has a better solution...you deserve to feel better...lastly, you are NOT a psycho, you are not purposely doing these things, and more than ever, you should be cared for and shown compassion...please PM me if you ever forget to do that for yourself