I am a shell.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Buried, Mar 9, 2011.

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  1. Buried

    Buried Member

    This is my first post here... kind of a last stitch effort before I check myself into the hospital and try to get them to keep me there.
    I am 18 years old. I recently moved in with my boyfriend of six months, we are renting a house together. I'm a full time student and just left my job less than a week ago. He told me I could because he makes good money now and I need to find something I am happy doing.
    But things have only got worse since I left my job. I thought it would be nice to see him more, but we only seem to fall apart more and more every day. Sure, sometimes I'm mean or unfair, but I always recognize it and apologize. I've been working hard on that since we moved in together because he told me it bothered him and pushed him away.
    Now the tables seem to have turned, he yells at me and gets angry at me for the smallest things. I try to talk to him about it, I give him time to calm down. But after he's calm, if I want to talk about it again, he gets more angry and asks why I brought it up because he's over it. So I've tried to stop doing that, to just let things go. I thought it was unfair that since he's done talking about it, I have to be too. But trying gets me nowhere, only makes it worse.
    If I try to tell him how I feel, he blames himself in a condescending way, saying I always say it's his fault and he starts everything. But I readily admit when I'm wrong because he asked me to.
    So lately I've just been taking the blame for everything, backing down and letting him win. I cry all the time and have resorted to cutting several times and have attempted suicide twice over the last month. He works every day from 9 until 5:30, giving me more alone time than I can handle. Today I told him how I feel, and he told me he was going to see his father after work instead of coming home.
    I don't think I can handle being alone that long, so I signed up for this forum. Hello.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You need to look after you now okay and what he is doing is wrong You should be able to talk and vent your emotions If he is shutting you down then i think you deserve better don't you. You deserve kindness and compassion. I hope you do sign yourself into hospital for awhile just so you can get somehelp for you. I also think you should move out okay get a place of your own do not let anyone take the power away from you he is doing that. Living together is not working i hope you can find a place where you feel good about yourself
    YOu are so young take the time now to just take care of YOU and you only hugs
     
  3. Buried

    Buried Member

    I love him like crazy though. He's good to me half the time, I'm sure he'll get better. I can't afford to live on my own, I can't move back to my mom's, I don't want her to be disappointed. She never gave up, I don't want to either...
    I just need to get a job, I need to have something to do besides going to class.
     
  4. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and welcome...You sound like you know that the only way to have a healthy relationship is to have a life for yourself and open channels of communication...sometimes, when there is so much stress, ppl behave in ways they are not proud of...is there a way for you to get counselling to see how to make a life that is best for you? also, please remember that there is a boundary between arguing and abuse...hope you find a job and that, after this adjustment period, things become more pleasant and supportive...welcome again, J
     
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    He won't change okay he won't and abuse half the time is too many times.
    You can live on your own and be successful and feel good about you. you can
     
  6. Buried

    Buried Member

    I just can't afford to be on my own right now, I need him for lots of reasons. His behavior changes day by day, he can be extremely sweet and fun but also kind of mean. I think we need to see a counselor together but we just can't afford it. Part of me is afraid that if we don't go to a counselor, this will get worse and I will end up in a bad position. I know he can be a good man. I know he can. He has been before, he wants to be again. I just don't know how to help if he doesn't listen to me.
     
  7. solutions

    solutions Well-Known Member

    That last part is kind of important. There's a seriously critical disconnect between you two. He doesn't recognize how much he's hurting you. For him to recognize the extent of your pain, and of your longing for him to stop...that's step one. However he answers that would determine the future of your relationship.

    I've known girls who stay in bad relationships because of financial reasons, or because they thought if they tried hard enough, he would "change." "Change" never happens without effort on his part.

    A friend I had was in a bad relationship, and she blamed herself for all the things he did. It made me fucking sick, and nothing I said could sway her. It ended, but in a tragic way; he fell down a flight of steps, hit his head, and was in a coma for about a year before dying. She went completely fucking insane with grief, and blamed herself for not showing him more love, because maybe he'd change, maybe he'd be like he was before. She was planning suicide because she said she "couldn't go on" without him. The whole scenario made me sick, and I was powerless to stop her downward spiral.
     
  8. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    The thing is he has to put in the effort he has to want to change and do something about it. He can go get anger management classes they are given free here through community he needs to own up and do something before he harms you HE won't change if does nothing hugs
     
  9. Buried

    Buried Member

    I just don't know how to tell him it hurts me. I don't understand how he can't know, he's seen me crying on the bathroom floor with Jack and xxxxxx trying to die. I feel like whenever I try to be sad he takes all the blame and gets down on himself. I hate when he gets sad so I automatically turn it around to try and make him feel better, but I'm afraid I just can't do that anymore. I want us to have a happy healthy relationship, like the one we have in public. But it seems like behind closed doors everything changes. We've got into fights before when we were intoxicated, so I just write them off for that reason. The other day at the grocery store he told me we need to get in a fist fight. I think he was joking, but it seemed like there was some truth in it.
     
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