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I am a worthless piece of crap

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by AngelicEmbers, Jan 14, 2012.

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  1. AngelicEmbers

    AngelicEmbers Member

    I am 34 years old and have 3 kids (unfortunately now 27 weeks pregnant with my 4th), this past April i lost my job due to a severe spinal issue ive been suffering from and my husband, myself and our kids had to move into his parents home. My father in law is seriously mentally ill with major control and temper issues, my mother in law is manipulative and evil. All of us have had to cram in a tiny bedroom because my in laws refused to let the kids run around in the living room and spare rooms, living like that has taken its toll. Dealing with my father in law trying to control my bank accounts and our lives while listening to him throw daily tantrums when he doesnt get his way with screaming and kicking things has destroyed me - watching my 6 year old wet her pants every night because of stress and fear of the daily going ons around the house has added to my issues. My mother in law steals from me and when I confront her, calls me a "worthless motherf*****" or a "bit**".

    When my mother in law snooped through my things and found out I was pregnant she called my parents and told them then emailed everyone under the sun copying me and my husband telling me im causing them stress by getting pregnant and i need to get an abortion. I ended up in premature labor 2 times around 19 weeks and decided i needed to go to NJ to see my parents and look for a place to stay so we can get on our feet and get out of the mess in FL. Unfortunately my sister and her lazy boyfriend live here at my parents for free and they have caused me EXTREME stress. My parents dont want me here and refuse to help us. My sister and mother do nothing but judge me - every time i open my mouth my mom screams at me to shut up and just when I didnt think things could get any worse...

    My 70 year old father tries to hang himself outside from a tree 4AM Christmas day - my sister found him outside and took him to the ER and after he spent the following 2 weeks in a special unit in the hospital. Everyone here blames me because they say my mere presence pushed him to it since he didnt want me here to begin with and didnt even want to pick me up at the airport. I know my mom resents me to no end for some reason. I am a failure in her eyes ive always been because I have kids and i am not wealthy. Both my mom and my sister are trying to buy me plane tickets back to the hell in FL knowing I cant go back to my inlaws. She looks like me like I am some piece of crap that she refuses to help in any way. My sister runs around mooching off them costing them thousands of dollars and then pretends to be helpful towards my father by talking to him like he is a 2 year old yet I am the one who takes him 8 AM every day to his 7 hour meetings at the hospital and picks him up because no one else wants to do it.

    I spent my birthday in November crying the entire day in my car, no one called me or sent me a card and my mother in law slammed the car door on my leg on purpose. My birth mother tells me how much she does for my brother's new girlfriend and her kid she had with another guy and didnt even wish me a happy birthday. She doesnt remember when my birthday is. Then again it doesnt matter because its the last birthday i have to suffer through.

    I dont see a way out of this. I am essentially homeless as everyone has turned their backs on me and I cant provide a good life for my children. I cant go back to FL because my mother in law told my husband to cut all ties with me and this baby and im not welcome back in their home, but i cant stay in NJ at my parents either with my kids or without them not to mention Its almost impossible to get medical insurance here before I have the baby. I have come to determine that I need to give this one up for adoption. I no longer sleep and all i do is worry about things and its eaten me alive. I have no real friends and each day it gets harder and harder to keep it together. I know what I have to do which is end my pathetic excuse for a life - but I know I cant do it while being pregnant with this life inside of me. My husband told me I am being selfish but I really think HES being selfish wanting me to be around to suffer like this for so long. Being in my own body hurts on a daily basis both mentally and physically.

    I want the pain to go away, my parents wont care and im sure his parents will be thrilled to pieces knowing ive passed. Life isnt supposed to hurt so much...I wish things could have been different but things are what they are. I tried to start a new life back here but it cant work. I am a basket-case, I cant sleep its been 3 days and I cannot eat well which I know isnt good for the baby. The hardest part of all of this and what im going to do in just a few months is never seeing my kids again, I love them so much and I just hope they dont hate me for what I have to do.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    YOu need to go to your government get child support in place get on disability apply for it get your doctor to state you cannot work so you can get income to look after you and your children.. Is there a womens shelter call them go there they will take you in expecially if you are pregnant and with your children they will not leave you homeless okay
  3. AngelicEmbers

    AngelicEmbers Member

    I have a disability claim pending since April and i probably wont get it my lawyer told me because there are SO many people on it already, i am supposed to go in front of a law judge in 8 additional months who will most likely deny me regardless, I called the women's shelter here and they told me that they are booked up and there is a freaking waiting list to get in which they didn't offer to put me on. To make things worse I came up here alone so i could try to get settled or something going up here as far as a place and my husband and other 2 kids are in Florida. I haven't even see a doctor in 3 months with a high risk pregnancy because social services here told me they have to cancel my medicaid in FL first which I tried to do well over a month and a half ago but FL loves taking their time and its impossible to speak to someone on the phone. It takes an additional month to get medicaid up here and by that time I will have already had the baby.

    The doctor I self paid to see a few days ago (general practitioner) told me that shes stopping all of my medications (which my OB in FL wants me to stay on otherwise the baby could go into shock and I can miscarry) and flat out told me that although it sucks If i need to continue those meds I will have to pay cash for my OBGYN and pain specialist soon and that I should have used protection in the first place (this woman of course had no idea I DID). I cant cash pay for those doctors period every few weeks and a c section, I don't have the money for it and I don't have a family who helps me.

    Even if i were to get help here my 2 kids are in FL now in that hellhole and I cannot do anything to get them out right now. I have no money and I don't think i could handle the stress of going down to FL, calling the cops on my in-laws to get the kids out of there and then we are all homeless in my car. I don't see a way out Ive tried really hard to get help and it always falls through. The economy is bad and no one wants to help us get on our feet which I expected anyway.

    I have been depressed like this my entire life but it just keeps getting worse the older I get. Life really shouldn't be this bad...my sister actually told me that my life is this way because she walks in Jesus' blessing and I don't. She thinks that is why my parents always help her and her lazy bf financially and emotionally and do nothing for me or my family. She told me the other day that my baby im carrying would be better off in heaven with Jesus than with me because I cant give her a good life and even my mother agreed.

    For the past year Ive spent most of my nights crying in bed unable to sleep at all. There is no hope and not one person really truly gives a crap about me in my life which is the sad truth. My kids are too young to understand and I only hope they can one day forgive me after I am gone. Before I do this I need to somehow find a way to get my kids out of my in laws home...im thinking of giving my husband my tax refund or something so at least there is a way out for him and the kids. I think im going to have to give this child im carrying up for adoption as much as I did not want to I want to spare her of this crappy life my other children already have to suffer through.

    I see people laughing and smiling every day and realize I cant remember the last time I did, all of the things I used to love doing like art I haven't done in years and honestly there isnt anything I actually like doing. People my age are normally buying a house or stable and im not and I can never give my kids the happy life they so much deserve so a world without me in it honestly doesnt matter. I made a list of reasons I should stay against all the reasons I should end my life and it really showed me I dont have any other options. I cant be a failure to my children and my parents if I am not breathing and that gives me some peace.
  4. eagles_fan

    eagles_fan Well-Known Member

    That's extremely rough. I don't want you calling yourself worthless. It seems like your problems are not your fault in the least. Everyone loves to treat you like shit, it seems, and that's unfair. Life isn't kind to some people, like those in your situation.

    Can't you get by on welfare? With your problems, you should be qualify for social services such as that. I'm no expert on the matter, but it seems welfare is ideal for people who are in your situation.

    Where are you living again? You said you are essentially homeless. I think it's time YOU cut them out of your life since it seems like everyone who's close to you is beneath you. Some people are just ungrateful. Your father should be happy that you've been driving him around, but it seems he prefers overly religious trash like your sister.

    Could you check yourself into some kind of shelter? I think that'd be best. Please get some help. You need it badly.
  5. AngelicEmbers

    AngelicEmbers Member

    Everyone else calls me worthless so Its kind of natural for me to feel that way. I get unemployment but as i said before i went to social services and its going to take way too long for me to get medicaid in NJ and they said i needed a residence before getting any extra help with food and such plus I dont really want to live on govt assistance like that..my whole life before these spinal issues happened I have worked hard and taken care of my family. Now i cant and i feel like a failure. (I get a measly amount of unemployment insurance but its going to run out in April when I have the baby.. no one wants to hire someone whos such a liability with my health issues).

    My kids are in FL and im in NJ, but im on my way out of my parents house because my mom told me I have only a few weeks to get out of here. She says over and over again to me and other people that even though I assume she doesn't love me the fact is with my sister constantly living here jobless, her dog and her jobless boyfriend they have no room. I also get to hear how she just started college at 30 years old part time and is "bettering herself" so its no problem shes living here free. Her boyfriend who my parents cant stand gets better treatment I do and walks around like he owns the place. He smoked pot in the living room last week and when I told my mom she didn't do ANYTHING.

    Im the failure of the family whos made nothing but bad mistakes and according to all of them I drove my father to try to hang himself and I turned everything upside down the second I got here. I couldn't stay in that house with my in laws my mother in law is a serious nutcase and started making ME crazy by doing horrible things to try to get me out her house. I am not wanted in my own house here and I am not wanted back in Florida. I have always been the type of person to always keep to myself and I hardly talk but for some reason people hate me.

    As for the shelter thing i tried but they are booked solid and cannot help me.
  6. eagles_fan

    eagles_fan Well-Known Member

    You may very well have to live on govt. assistance if it comes down to it. I've never had to resort to such measures, nor has my family, but I bet it's helpful. Those government services are there to help people who are in messed up situations. You should definitely, most definitely, contact welfare, and get some help. Don't let pride trip you over like that. No one decent will judge you for that.

    Also, if I were you, fuck it, I'd go home to Florida!! Don't let your family get in your way. If your sister's boyfriend can act like he owns the place, you can act like that even harder considering that it's your PARENT'S place. They should really be trying to help YOU out. They're failing YOU. You must go down there now and get some help from your family. Be assertive and if they won't help you, make them. Don't get desperate, but rather be assertive. Tell them just who the fuck you are: their fucking daughter and get some help from them.
  7. AngelicEmbers

    AngelicEmbers Member

    I think my earlier posts may have been a little confusing because of my rambling so I apologize but I am in NJ now where my parents are (my kids and husband are still in FL at my inlaws where I was staying), my mom told me and other people even "if" my sister and her bf move out of here they want to be alone afterwords here and don't want my kids, myself and husband living here so now at this point I don't think it would make a difference. My mom also told me yesterday that I can stay here until I have the baby so I can give her up for adoption. (all my parents and sister want is for me to give her up for adoption). They say that about all my kids though.

    I know my parents are failing me but they don't look at it that way no matter how hard I try I still get treated like garbage they want out of their home. They basically said because I chose to live in FL in the first place 6 years ago I have to live with that decision and since im 34 years old I shouldn't be asking them for any type of help (yet my sister is pushing 30). I never have asked them for anything until now and ive been out of their house since I was 16 years old. My sister has never been on her own longer than a few mos and has never really held a real job.

    My parents pay $250 a month for a car they cosigned for my sister and she totaled 2 of my dads vehicles so far hiking up her insurance to $4500 a year my parents also pay for that and any car repairs. She also lives here rent free and gets a home-cooked dinner every night for her and her bf. They pay NOTHING for me but yet Im the bad guy.

    I wish i knew why my mother chooses to favor her, her dog and her bf and hates my guts so bad. I can literally see the disgust and hate in my mothers eyes when she looks at me at that's incredibly painful. When I first came to NJ in Dec they all wouldn't even let me over here for 2 weeks (I had to stay on my friend's couch). Then when I had to stay here for more than 2 nights they all flipped out trying frantically to get me out of here again but my friend could no longer let me stay there. There is no worse feeling than having your family treat you like a piece of trash they want to be rid of.

    My dad originally threatened to call the cops on me if I tried to visit them before my plane even landed! He didn't even want me in the state and I think that is WHY my mom and sister think my presence here pushed him to the hanging attempt. My husband has been appalled about how my parents and sister have been treating me all this time and my friend cant believe it either. My parents and sister's stance was he cant take any more stress (but what was causing him all the stress when I have been in FL for the past year away from them and they don't even call me on the phone?) For the past year they will call my husband or my nasty in-laws to ask about the kids but NEVER talk to me directly which is extremely strange. Do i shame and disappoint them THAT much?

    I tried several times to get help from social services and they keep telling me they are out of funding for any housing assistance which could possibly be true. Trying to get any kind of help from them for food or medical insurance is almost impossible. I really give up...there is nothing left of this life for me ive thought of all possible outcomes and there is truly only 1. I told my husband last night I want to go back to FL and stay in a hotel so I can at least spend the last few months of my life with my kids so they know how much I do love them before Im gone.
  8. eagles_fan

    eagles_fan Well-Known Member

    Sorry for not getting back to you sooner, Embers.

    Could you go further into detail on your family's history? Why do they give your sister special treatment?
  9. AngelicEmbers

    AngelicEmbers Member

    Thank you for responding again, when we were kids my mom used to spend thousands of dollars on clothes, shoes and items in general for my sister and meanwhile I had 2 pairs of holey shoes and a few pairs of old ripped Lee jeans with plain T shirts. The favoritism started there but I kept my mouth shut and spent most of my time at friends houses or barricaded in my room.

    When my sister hit 13 she started having sex, doing drugs and would constantly physically assault my dad and punch holes in the wall (she broke his nose several times). The last straw was one day when I had a friend over I noticed a lot of screaming going on and several police cars and an ambulance outside the house - she punched one of the cops and they took her out in a stretcher. They admitted her into a mental institution for awhile and then a shelter for troubled teens for 2 years and she had to attend a special school for troubled teens as well. My mom had a stroke and at 16 I couldnt take it and just moved in with my boyfriend at the time.

    My sister got out of the shelter and moved back home and has basically been there since (shes pushing 30 now and moved out for 6 mos in 2009 but my parents got tired of paying her rent). Several years ago they co-signed on a new Jetta with heated leather seats for her and STILL pay the 250 payments every single month, she totalled 2 of my dads vehicles in the past and her old mustang so they pay thousands of dollars a year for her insurance. They also pay for her car repairs. My parents would NEVER EVER in a million years co sign on a vehicle for me, pay for it and insurance. They never had to pay for my car repairs or anything of the sort.

    She still has violent tendencies towards my parents and constantly cusses at everyone, her boyfriend and me even.. last year they had to call the cops on her after she threw a tantrum and after a few weeks of persuading they let her and her boyfriend move back in. Every second shes here, she thinks she has a right to be and I dont.

    Part of me thinks they treat her so good because shes been here so long and I think they are scared of her in a weird way or just dont want to deal with her crap. My mom always tells me "your sister is mentally ill just ignore her" so she knows.

    I spoke with my husband today on the phone and things are worse back home, my mother in law unleashed her wickedness again and told him myself and "that baby" are not allowed back in her house. She also went on to say to him (how do you even know the baby is yours?) mind you shes said that with ALL 3 of our kids when ive been pregnant. She called me a welfare queen when I worked my butt off for 6 years supporting EVERYONE on my own and im not even on welfare! My mom got me a ticket back to FL for the 30th and now for sure I have no where to go. Im so scared I just wanted to buy myself time because like I said before I cant bring myself to suicide while I am pregnant.

    The worst part about my mother in law is the fact when confronted she has no idea why she hates me with such a fiery passion! I always keep to myself and never talk to anyone (she claims my unfriendly attitude is partly why) but we both know thats bs. When I know someone hates my guts I am NOT going to engage in friendly conversation with them.
  10. Evanmm

    Evanmm New Member

    I don't have any ideas for you other than making phone calls to EVERYBODY you may know and asking for help. I just don't want to see someone with kids do this to themselves. Your kids will have to go through life wondering why you did it. Please reconsider and I hope it gets better. I also want you to know that you aren't worthless unless your not trying.
  11. AngelicEmbers

    AngelicEmbers Member

    My sister overheard me telling my mother of my "plans", waits until my mom leaves and then goes "honestly you should do it now if you are gonna do it all all because the baby would be with Jesus and not wondering why her mother killed herself her whole life". Earlier today she flipped out on my dad when he asked her for rent and told him she wish he killed himself last month and hes barely hanging on mentally.

    Right now shes screaming at me because i told her i cant watch her dog all day Monday so her boyfriend can get his stupid wisdom teeth pulled. Her dog has "allergies" so it would be a whole day of tending to him like hes a baby and i dont feel well enough considering im on bedrest.

    I was up all night again last night...every time i shut my eyes i had nightmares which woke me right up again. I cannot wait till this pain stops.
  12. Tmacster1

    Tmacster1 Well-Known Member

    I can understand where your coming from with the pain. No one wants to have pain - I sure don't want to have pain but I have it :( . I believe there was just a little overreaction because you couldn't watch her dog. That's not necessarily your fault. So, don't feel bad about that. She should of looked into other alternatives so her dog could get taken care off. Hopefully you can get some better sleep here soon because I use to have nightmares, and would lay awake all night and just stare up at the ceiling. Hopefully you continue to share your feelings, thoughts, and emotions with us. :hug:

  13. AngelicEmbers

    AngelicEmbers Member

    I tried to hang on but I don't think I can anymore, i leave back for FL on Sunday because its become too difficult to get the proper medical help up here for my baby/high risk pregnancy and im already now 29 weeks along and my father in law announced to my husband today I am not allowed back there period. Apparently they are moving his literally crazy old sister and his 90 something year old mother back in there (the last time was complete and utter hell). It feels like the parents are under the impression that I will just disappear and my husband will live there with my 2 kids for the rest of his life..yeah right. The are ensuring he never works and just sits there with the kids all day playing mommy. What kind of monsters are they? I am terrified because I don't have money and im basically on the street with NO way to get my kids and husband out of that hellhole.

    Without my kids I have NOTHING to live for. Right now I have nothing and I don't see any way out of this. My parents are too busy supporting my sister and her lazy boyfriend who have been mooching off them for 10 years now. If i have the baby while im homeless CPS will indefinitely take the baby im carrying. I miss my 2 little kids so deeply but at this rate how can i get through this? I dont have my family's help on either side, no friends can help us and even the family shelters up here are packed with a waiting list. I feel like im dead inside. There is NO chance for us to get on our feet or for me to give this baby or my other kids a good life.

    I have 2 months before I can finally end my suffering, because honestly who in this world cares if im out of the equation at this point or not.
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