I am addicted to hookers.

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by mcviking, Mar 2, 2010.

  1. mcviking

    mcviking Well-Known Member

    I live in a country where sex can be bought at a very reasonable price. I sometimes go on vacation to Thailand where it is ridiculously cheap. Thankfully I have yet to contract a horrible STD (been checked for work) but I don't know what to do. I go out on the weekends and get horribly shit faced. I go and try to go out and meet with girls. They seem interested only to find out they only want to have a foreigner friend to up their prestige or a free English lesson. Sometimes they act interested for an extended period of time only to disappear.

    The point of all of this is I should be saving money, but I keep wasting it all on Booze and hookers. I try to tell myself that I should just stop. That I have went years without sex and it never killed me. Yet almost every weekend I wake up in some brothel or love motel.

    I want a REAL girl friend. I want real love. I was raised as a born again Christian and I am ashamed of my actions. Yet the need and craving for female companionship drives me insane. And I flush more and more hard earned cash down the toilet. I feel empty. Sometimes I don't even get aroused because it is all so fake and meaningless. I had a problem in the states while I didn't buy hookers I often frequented postings on craigslist and pretty much would have sex with anyone willing to have sex with me.

    I feel that I am a sex addict. I just want to meet someone who loves me. But I feel that my past sexual history that even if I did find someone who loved me they would be so repulsed by my actions that they would run.

    I don't know what to do.
  2. rojomi

    rojomi Banned Member

    I was too-then all of a sudden, it stops! STD's are nothing to fool around with
  3. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    It sounds, like to be honest, you're using them to gain some physical closeness to maybe help ease your loneliness. Physical closeness does not mean love though, and its clear you are not getting your needs met by doing this.

    I personally think any decent girl would not be repulsed by sexual abuse, they would be sympathetic to anyone who had gone through that.

    I think, to be honest, from your posts, the problem you have may be your lack of self esteem and your desperation for love because women will be aware of those things and it can make a relationship very hard.

    I go back to what I said on your other thread about wokring to improve your selfesteem and confidence and also your self worth. Once you feel better about yourself, that will shine through to others.
  4. mcviking

    mcviking Well-Known Member

    I realize that scum, but I don't know how to. All of my friends say confidence, confidence, confidence. But in the end I am terrified to talk to women. I would rather run into a fire fight or a burning building (literally) then talk to a woman I am attracted to. I always just end up being far too honest and open. Once I open up to someone I just throw all my nonsense out there. I almost always come off sounding needy and desperate ( cause guess what? I AM) and shooting myself in the foot. Most women say I am too nice and I don't know when or how to make the first move. The times it has happened have usually been due to far too much alcohol or drug consumption. I am terrified of being sexually aggressive to women for two reasons.
    1) My sexual abuse history. I don't want to put anyone through what I have went through. I am so not confident in myself that if I am making a move on a girl I am somehow attacking her or defiling her.

    2) My size. If I make a move if there has been any alcohol consumed or something and the girl the next day regrets being with me, I may be charged with something. My size and weight make me feel like what the stereotypical date rapist looks like.

    I have never done anything remotely unethical during my past sexual experiences. I have never made someone have sex with me, and have always tried to ask if they are sure and readyu before. I always respect the girls boundaries and have never nor will ever cross them.

    In good news, I worked out to day and feel a little bit better than usual. Lets see how long I can keep it up. Maybe I am finally sick and tired of being sick and tired.
  5. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Maybe try to give the women some space. This was something I gathered a while ago about Self esteem. Maybe it might help. http://www.suicideforum.com/showthread.php?t=26788

    You sounds VERY self aware, and that is a good thing. Have you tried stopping the drinking and drugs? Maybe it might allow you to keep some personal boundaries there. Also, to me, whilst you do sound, as you say, needy, you also come across as incredibly respectful to women generally, which means all the basis for being a good partner is there, and one day you will make someone a great partner, its just a case of working on those things I already mentioned, to get you to a place where you can show your real qualities.
  6. flyingdutchmen

    flyingdutchmen Well-Known Member

    oh men your story sounds so familiar to me. i have been in a situation a couple of years not to long ago where i have praticly lived in nightclubs. it made me addicted to sex. me and 2 more friends would wake up allmost every saterday and sundaymorning in some hotel with some atractive east european girl next to me. together we must have spend around 50k doing this from who i defenitly spend the most of it. i do not do this anymore as thank god i do not live there anymore so i cant reach out to that same life from here. i could but it would costs me loads of money. i am thankfull to give it all up.
    in my case it was all about socalled "fun" and last but not least i didnt have to do anything to make it happen. like you i am waayy to shy to talk to girls and therefore will say allmost all the things one should not be saying, or i didnt even know what to say at all and was standing in front of a attractive girl with just my mouth open but nothing coming out.
    it was all just to easy i simply could not resist that life.
    i am 1,95mtr tall and weigh around 92kg so i am pretty big. amazing guys like us cant find any confidence to just even talk to a girl, it is allmost hilarious (NOT).
    from all the "real" girlfriends i have had i NEVER EVER needet to take any initiativ, they where all over me and that was my only luck i even managed to get a girlfriend because i meself couldnt do it. now i am 32 and i start to realize those times are over. i didnt have sex for over a year and somehow i do not mind. i dont want my life again to be taken over by sex. i see meself as someone who isnt a pleasant person to be with for a longer while.
    today my life is is pretty much like if i see a girl that i find attractiv i think further ahead,
    i think like "it is not realy what you want, its fun while having sex but what after that?"
    i start to think that i MUST take some responsibility and stop hurting girls that do not want "only" sex.i am very much aware of the fact that after sex i am not so very nice anymore and somehow it does keep me away from one-night stands, which is good.
    what a shame all the hard worked money i have spend on sex, and how did it help me? i didnt it was only fun as long as it lasted!
    give yourself a break and try to focus on other things.it is ok to think and dream about sex but dont spend all your hard worked money on it buddy! it will get you nowhere, we cant grow old with prostitues.it doesnt get you anywhere. i think your solution does NOT lie within a socalled "dating or contact to the other sex problem" but more within you psychological enviroment. dont try to work on "dating" or "talking to woman" but work on your illness in general. the sex thing is only a result of this.i am still struggling with this meself
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 2, 2010
  7. mcviking

    mcviking Well-Known Member

    Well as a response I don't do any narcotics anymore. I drink but only on the weekends. I am still very responsible at work. They have no idea the life I leadm but most foreign workers have bad res as drinking, fighting, woman stealing, get paid to much for nothings. It has a grain of truth in it. I have been looking into other hobbies as of late but to be honest after a hard work week a few cold drinks ( or a dozen) and a pretty little Asian woman is pretty inviting and hard to pass up. But I do agree with you I need to find an outlet to build my self esteem.
  8. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    It's good to hear you don't do the narcotics anymore. I also just wanted you to know that I never doubted your responsibility at work. To me you come across as a very responsible, and level bloke, who is inherently very decent, but struggles with some aspects of his life.

    To be honest, if other foreign workers get the abuse you have to suffer then its not a surprise they do those things; its because the nationals push them to it.

    Maybe when things start to shift within yourself, you might find taking up more hobbies or volunteering or something is more appealling than those things. Until then, just please, please take care of yourself and be safe (I know you already know all that, but I felt I had to say it anyway, sorry).
  9. flyingdutchmen

    flyingdutchmen Well-Known Member

    i must admit tough that i wouldnt know what i would have done if i didnt get out of this place. i currently live over 1000km of this 'sex inviting' place which means i am not surrounded by it anymore, which is a good thing and makes it nearly impossible for me to pickup my old 'bad habbits'.
    you being still responsible at work is a good thing.i hope you find a way to reduce or get out of that lifestyle, im glad im out of it.
  10. mcviking

    mcviking Well-Known Member

    Thank you Scum, (it feels weird to say that by the way, ending nice things with Scum lol) you have been very helpful on these forums to me. To be honest I feel totally different then I did last week. Almost a full 180. Maybe I just needed to bitch without being judged. I don't want to die. Not yet.

    One time I almost ended it all with my service side arm. I got home from work and I was just exhausted. Tired of seeing people suffering. Hated my job because I saw the lack of JUSTICE in the criminal justice field. All of the pain and the hate. I had no time for family and friends. Just work and the bottle. I know I use my addictive impulses as a crutch. First it was food, then booze, then drugs, then booze again, and now that its readily available anytime I want it, SEX. Never gambling though, but only because it would dip into my drugs/beer/hooker money.

    Anyway ADD, my attempt. I was sitting alone in my aunts basement staring at my smith and Wesson single action 1911 .45. I bought a .45 specifically because there would be no chance of survival if I attempted. I cocked the barrel and tested just to see what it would feel like in my mouth. I did a test fire. No bullet. The sound was so absolute, so final. Click. I burst into tears at that sound.

    I took another swig of the juice and thought maybe I would put a round in this time. No one was home, it would be a good time. I prepared myself. The barrel in my mouth; when my aunt's old Dog Bowser came to greet me like he always did, wagging his tail and nudging my hand to pet him. That beautiful old bastard saved my life. I just couldn't bring myself to end it in front of this beautiful soul that had unconditional love for me. That could sense when I was in pain. I was very sad after he finally passed after 18 years.

    That was the last time I thought about suicide until recently.

    Fuck, this thread went all over the place. Well again THANKS SCUM! (lol) and everyone else for your ideas and your support. I am glad I googled suicide chat a few days ago...
  11. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    That first paragraph made me smile. I'm so glad that right now you don't want to die :)

    I would have to agree that sometimes aniamls are incredible like that. I've had some save my life, and come when I needed them most.

    I too am glad you googles suicide chat :)
  12. suicidal maniac

    suicidal maniac Well-Known Member

    I know what you feel I'm doing the same thing and I'm bored of it to. I don't think it's realy a bad thing, at least you are not totally allone. Are we such loosers that we can't find women. It's becoming sad realy, I wish you lived here I would buy you a beer, and we would go clubing to find someone.
  13. KittyGirl

    KittyGirl Well-Known Member

    lol- well, I clicked on this thread a bit too late, didn't I?
    I'm glad to hear that you're already feeling a bit better! You can come back and bitch or vent any time you want!

    If working out helps you with your stress; I suggest you try and do it more often! A change in diet- a new hobby or joining some sort of club or team could also help as well.

    Just keep trying, okay?
  14. mcviking

    mcviking Well-Known Member

    Well I haven't went hooking for awhile and been keeping busy with other things. I went on a few dates with several girls. I actually started hanging out with a white girl and I have no intentions of trying to pursue her sexually or wanting a relationship. Its just nice to have a friend in my city, commiserate on what its like being so far from home.
  15. flyingdutchmen

    flyingdutchmen Well-Known Member

    Good for you Buddy, that sounds alot more healthy.