I am afraid of what is happening to me.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Rose76, Feb 13, 2012.

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  1. Rose76

    Rose76 New Member

    I am very depressed and have been for quite a while. It is a chronic problem. Since losing job after job, it tends to become an acute problem when I don't see much chance that I will be able to keep supporting myself. I've never been really homeless. I am frightened of that happening.

    I now have chronic pain in my neck that is not excruciating, but is very incapacitating. I get a really burning sensation in the back of my neck. If I try to keep active, despite the pain, I start to feel worse and worse pain.

    I am very lonely. I live alone. Never married or had children. I moved far away from where I was born and grew up. My parents are dead and I am not close with siblings. I've always tended to shy away from other people.

    I have carefully researched methods of suicide. I purchased a revolver and ammunition (hollow point.) In the past week, I have been feeling like I am coming closer to committing suicide by <Mod Edit, WildCherry: Methods> I have owned the gun for almost 30 years. It is a 38 calibre Smith and Wesson - chief special -5 shot revolver. I am thinking that I should get the gun cleaned and serviced for any maintenance that it might need. I have hollow point bullets, but they are 30 years old. I am thinking I should buy new bullets.

    I got sent home from my last job assignment on Tuesday, February 7, 1912. I was sent home as not competent to do the job. This is only the most recent of many job failures. I began feeling devastated hours after leaving the job site.

    The neck pain (a chronic issue,) that has been bad since before Christmas, has gotten much worse in the past week. I went to the hospital ER Friday, Feb. 10 to try and get it diagnosed. I am a nurse. I don't think it matters what the diagnosis is. I believe I have a permanent upper spinal problem. I believe I will be in pain for as long as I am alive. I want to escape this.

    I am new and I don't know if I am violating some rule by being explicit here. I suppose I will be told so if that is the case. I would like to find another solution. I don't have a lot of hope for that. I have become to profoundly demoralized and I am frantic to escape the pain. I am alone and have really no one to help me manage at home. I had a bad reaction to a combination of new psych drugs and pain meds that I took on Friday eve. I woke up Saturday morning very ill. I have no confidence in psychiatrists, after years of seeing them. In the past year and a half, I have had a 4 different bad reactions to new psychotropics. This one that I experienced yesterday was terrible.

    I am a nurse, and I think that makes me more pessimistic. I have never had a suicide attempt. I have never been interested in alternative means of committing suicide. I think the outcome is more unreliable in those cases. I am not interested in gesturing.

    I was recently hospitalized for +SI for about 36 hours. It was so awful where I was a patient, I said whatever I thought would get me released.

    I am a middle-aged woman. I don't have any hope for the future being an improvement over the past.

    My plan is to drive to a remote area. I would leave a note on the car indicating that the police should be called. I would want to be somewhere that would be far enough off the beaten path, that the sound of the shot would not draw attention. My hope is that I would die within 2 minutes. I would like to remain left without intervention long enough, so that I would eventually die, even if the shot was not optimally placed. I am not real experienced with hand guns. I have practiced at the range in the past.
     
  2. johnsmith

    johnsmith New Member

    Rose, I am a paramedic student in my hometown and I know how hard it is to be constantly surrounded by the sick and dieing. I truly believe that what takes a doctor 7 years to learn is crammed in to our faces in just a few and we are thrown out there to help people and keep up to date on current procedures and education. It is very easy to fall behind on our skills and get a little rusty and the fact that there are so many others out to take our place doesn’t help. I didn’t join this site because I’m some overly optimistic person who has nothing better to do than to tell people how great their life is. Your story REALLY sounds familiar. I am 21 and never had a Girlfriend nor am I really close to any of my friends, I moved out early in my life and live alone. This past month I got laid off and rejected by two EMS agencies. These things have a way of creeping up on us and kicking us after we have been beaten, ran over and dragged for six miles. Anyone who does the things you do has got to have a kind heart and determination. keep up the lines of communications with anyone even those online. I’m not you and can’t truly understand your pain and frustrations. But I bet your siblings wouldn’t mind if you called and said “ hey its been awhile just thought I’d call and see how you where doing” and take it from me those NCLEX review books are a life saver when brushing up! HANG IN THERE! I really hope things start looking up for you!
     
  3. RonPSH

    RonPSH Banned Member

    Hi Rose,

    Do you like to read?

    Ron
     
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