I am afraid that someday I will....

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Mars, Aug 31, 2009.

  1. Mars

    Mars New Member

    Life for me is like a tragedy, a forced job that ailes me to the very pit of my soul. I've gone through a lot, a failed marriage, abandonment from a father then from an emotionally abusive ex husband, single parenting, the pain of a divorce and custody issues and the tragic, sudden death of my father. The pain goes on. I've had suicide thoughts since I was fifteen years old, I am thirty years old now and I am wondering what's taking me so long? I could be FEAR, fear of the unknown. Growing up in a catholic family, suicide is thought to be going straight to hell. I am already living hell in earth, but I just want my life to end. Especially when things start to fail, when my depression makes my child cry and sometimes beg for my attention. I can't stand the thought of not being a good enough mother, for making bad decisions which leads me to daily regretts. I had a nightmare and I woke up at five in the morning. I dreamt of my father arguing with my mother, how he picked up a knife to kill her and I couldn't do nothing. This happened in real life. I will never forget. Some nights we all had to leave the apartment, only to come back to a locked door and wonder if I'll ever get some sleep. I would pee on my bed at night, and often retracted from the rest. Am I blaming others for my failures? That is what my mother tells me when I say how that past affected me. One night after a heated argument, my brothers and I already knew how to get together next to the door to leave, when I peaked around the corner from the hall, I saw my father with a machete pointing it at my mother's neck and I didn't dare to scream. Later, I heard a loud metal vibration as he slamed the machete against the bed room door slicing a part of it. I was five years old and I still cry in fear as I write this. This fear went on, all due to alcohol abuse. He died in a car crash, drunk, but my aunt told me that he slammed his car against something and I started to wonder if it was intentional. She then denied it by saying he was too drunk and fell unconscious on the wheel. I will never know the truth. This haunts me as well as my failed marriage. I start to wonder many things. I sometimes fail at my job and the tension, stress takes me to the edge. I can't cope. I feel senseless, useless, I don't live in my apartment, I live with my mother and I pay a rent for nothing. It's a scrambled mess which been going on for years. I am just sick of it. I've prayed to God for him to take me away, I've wished a car ran over me. All I want to do is die. I don't deserve to live, in fact I hate life. I don't see anything worthy about it. I often wished I was aborted, I don't even want to bring another child into this world being that i see it as a cruel and unsual place. The good thing about is that I am not eternal and some great day I will die. It's the only thing that consoles me. Meanwhile, I fear that someday I might panick and take my own life. I can't endure a second round of hell. If I only had the certainty that I will go to heaven after suicide, I would have been dead a long time ago..... On the mean time, my soul aches, my veins burns with the bile in which my blood has become, my feet will drag my empty hands where ever I'll go. My heart beaten and bruised beggs to stop and involuntary beats, relentless and hopeful that one day it shall rest
     
  2. yursomedicated

    yursomedicated Chat & Forum Buddy

    I'll copy my originial reply to your first real post:

    Mars, although I am not a mother I have been through some of the same stuff. I have had suicidal thoughts since I was 12 years old; I'm now 17. My father chose his new wife over his only daughter; me. And now I feel like I'm a horrible daughter to my mom because I hide everything from her. I could say I fear death a little. Just for the fact how she and a very limited amount of friends reactions. The only thing I can say though is that you should want to live, and get help for your children. They should be more important then how you feel. Your children would feel worst then you did about your dad, if their mom commited suicide. I hope everything goes well for you. I'll keep you in my mind.