I am alone

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by trux, Mar 21, 2008.

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  1. trux

    trux Well-Known Member

    What's worse than being alone in your suffering and knowing things will never get better?
    I've tried to explain what's wrong with me to certain people, but they never get it right. I know they don't take me seriously, they think I'm just longing for comfort, that I expect them to tell me "no that's not true". Fuck that's not what I want! All I want is them to listen to me and to understand me, but everything about me make me not being able to express my feelings well. When I think about what I'm going to say, everything sounds perfect in my mind, but once it actually get out it's completly different, it sounds nothing like what I expected. And that's partly because I have such a low self-esteem and that I can't talk to people without looking extremely embarrassed...

    So when I'm done talking to them, everything is still the same...or even worse, as I know they can't understand me. At least I've met a few nice guys online who I've been able to talk with honestly, and I think they understand me, but for some reason that's not making me feel better. If only that could happen with those people I see in real...

    So that's it, I am alone. There is something fundamentally wrong with me, something that hasn't always been there but that is now settled deep inside me, because of what I went through. I'm trying to change though, I'm trying hard, but that's not working. Then I get desperate, I become depressed, and I come posting on this board. Hoping something is going to come out of it probably. But what's the point really, I mean how is this going to help me. Whether I post here or not, nothing changes, either about me or around me. I guess there is still a bit of hope inside me, hope that someway I'm going to get better by doing things like writing this very message, else I wouldn't even be here. But maybe getting better isn't the solution after all. I mean, things were horrible for me years long, but I wasn't feeling as low as I do right now. Because of the fact I thought I was meant to be this way, I didn't even think about the idea that I could get better. And when I actually felt better about a year ago, thinking I was being normal again, that must have been the beginning of my downfall. Because I'm sure that if I hadn't felt better, I wouldn't be feeling so terrible right now.

    For once at least I feel like I've been able to express what's on my mind though, not totally but at least a part of it. That's something right?

    Going back to my life now...
     
  2. Sentient-Blizzard

    Sentient-Blizzard Well-Known Member

    yes it is. Tux the point of sharing stories like that it to realize that they are other ppl who've been there before. Hi by the way I've never seen you
     
  3. pit

    pit Well-Known Member

    I'm totally alone to, and know that things will only get worse. So even if I don't exactly know what you went through, I can relate to your isolation.
     
  4. pit

    pit Well-Known Member

    I'm totally alone too, and know that things will only get worse. So even if I don't exactly know what you went through, I can relate to your isolation.
     
  5. Sentient-Blizzard

    Sentient-Blizzard Well-Known Member

    pit i love your sig:laugh: o yea trux can you be more precise, like give more context
     
  6. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    it's hard to explain emotions and feelings, period. look around, most people don't even bother trying. i applaud you for at least trying, even if you feel that you can't get people to understand... you at least made the effort.

    c.
     
  7. Angelo_91

    Angelo_91 Well-Known Member

    It is painful. Im like you, I have poor communication skills, like i can't even look at anyone in the eyes when i stare at them and i find it hard to mean what i say, but thats it, thats all it roots down to, just poor communication skills. You can still always get better at it, it just takes practice. ive read stories of people overcoming anxiety so i believe, you should too, and take small steps.

    anyways sorry if my post seems like i misunderstood you
     
  8. touglytobeloved

    touglytobeloved Well-Known Member

    Angelo tells the truth. You just need practice. Just try to make your communication better. You will succeed, I know. I was shy and with poor communication skills in the past, but things get better and today I have much more communication skills. Just say what you think, and dont bother what others will think.
     
  9. trux

    trux Well-Known Member

    From all the people on this board, I am one of the worst cases in terms of social relationships. I'm way beyond the "not good at communicating" point.
    I've told about my situation more precisely in some of my previous posts, mostly the first ones, but I'm still keeping the ugliest things from my past to myself. I don't want to tell about them because I feel this isn't the place for it. The thing is most people here are depressed because of things they can't touch, because they are hurt psychologically, and we all know we can help them because eventually their problems could be solved (I don't mean to offend anyone here, I know you all have reasons to feel how you do right now and I didn't mean otherwise). But when the problem is something you can stare at, something that remains the same no matter when or how you look at it, that will never change, you know you can't be helped. Well I'm being vague again, so to put it in a straighter way I have a weird physical problem, something you've probably never heard of and that you wouldn't like to see. Anyway this wasn't the point of my initial post, right now I don't care about that stuff...even though I know that won't last long.

    Well, back to the "unsociable" part : it's not just about having poor communication skills, it's way worst than that. For nearly 8 years, I hadn't talked to any girl except from my family, and no one talked to me. Then I met this girl, the first girl that was willing to talk to me and to stay with me, ever. And contrary to what you could expect, she's so beautiful, so nice, so smart...and I'm not saying this because I'm blinded by love. Yes I'm in love with her, I can't describe how much, and even if I don't want to accept it I know that the fact she's the first girl who accept talking to me is one of the main reasons that make me so crazy about her. Anyway, the problem is she almost never look at me in the eyes, even when we're talking to each other. I know this isn't about her, because she has no problems looking at other people in the eyes, I'm just the only one. I'm ugly, but I can't be so ugly that people can't look at me, I'm not a monster! I hope I'm not...

    So what is it then?

    I've tried to ask her what's wrong with me, but she either don't want to answer or she doesn't understand me. Still there is the fact that everyone feels ill at ease with me, not just her, and I'm not just imagining things. I feel like a freak, both when I'm talking and when people are talking to me. Like they are scared of me. They think I'm weird, even those who are close to me are uneasy when they're alone with me. I have the same kind of contact with everyone, literally everyone (well maybe except my mother, but honestly that's ALL). My sister, my grandmother, my cousins, all the same. My teachers as well (in case you're wondering I'm 18 now). One of my teachers once told me he thought I'm sad, not in the way that I'm sad because of something, but rather the deep meaning that it's a part of me. Another one really feel embarrassed when I speak to her, and that feels awful. She's like that only with me, this isn't her personality. And of course I'm embarrassed, probably more than any of them.

    I don't know how to explain it, but I can feel how everyone sees me. Please don't tell me I'm being paranoid, there are a few things I'm sure of and this is one of them. They treat me like I'm psychologically weak, which isn't completly wrong but not in the way they imagine it. They treat me like I can't take any remark, but also as if I'm in my own world. Most people can't laugh with me, they're just forcing smiles. And there's the fact I never have anything to say, plus I'm really not good at talking. Among countless other things, people need me to repeat what I said twice or more because I can't pronounce properly, and I'm often told I have a weird voice...well I'm not told literally, but some guys find it funny to imitate me, so you can guess that doesn't really help me with socializing. And me being easily offended by anything, that really kills me inside (my voice was just an example, I'm talking in a more general way there). I'm quite sure I am this way because of all those years when I was being made fun of, every day...

    All those facts are what lead me to think there is something fundamentally wrong with me. You're going to tell me I can change this, and I wish I could, but as I said I've been trying forever and it doesn't get any better.

    I probably wouldn't be on this forum if I hadn't met her. Not because I'd have already ended my life, but because I wouldn't have felt the need to come here, because I wouldn't be feeling so horrible. At least I can see one good thing that came out of all of this, of me writing those messages and thinking about what is wrong with me : I feel I'm understanding more and more people around me, and probably myself aswell. I used to live one day after the other, without thinking much about what's the matter with me. That's not the case anymore. But I'm not feeling better.

    I think I've just told about most of what bothers me. I may have never been so honest about how I feel. Thank you for having read this far, I guess. One thing I forgot to mention : I hate to express myself in english because I sound stupid. Not that english sounds stupid, it's just I never seem to find the right words. And not that I don't sound dumb anyway.
     
  10. Angelo_91

    Angelo_91 Well-Known Member

    if you cant do it on your own, move to medications, thats what they're their for. I recommend anxiety pills, thats what helped me, and dont get me wrong your post pretty much read my life
     
  11. trux

    trux Well-Known Member

    I don't want any medication, if I can't solve the problem myself I don't want drugs to do it for me. And to be honest I doubt it would solve anything in the end
     
  12. touglytobeloved

    touglytobeloved Well-Known Member

    Medications can not solve the problem (at least mine).
     
  13. peacegirl

    peacegirl Well-Known Member

    Trux, the truth is we all (I believe) experience moments of sadness and despair. We think it will last forever, but each time this terrible sadness lifts unexpectedly, it indicates that nothing in our world stays the same. Sadness does not last if we wait patiently. Sadness surrenders to some other feeling, which gives us hope. The point I am making is that sadness is not a permanent fixture. It is a feeling that is often fed by false thinking. I hope you realize that it's the thoughts (however untrue) that add fuel to the fire and make us feel hopeless. I just want you to know that there is nothing fundamentally wrong with you. God (whomever you believe him to be) does not create junk. ;)
     
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