I am already dead inside

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by Unregistered7777, Sep 25, 2008.

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  1. I feel like an empty shell. I drift aimlessly through the days. I see people around me that are so excited, so enthusiastic, so happy with life and I wonder why I can't manufacture that. I am 22-years old and still live with my parents. Not only have I never had a girlfriend, but I have never had a friend who is a girl. I barely have any male friends and those friendships are largely superficial. I struggle to show interest in others, I never desire to socialize and I find the commonly expected social rituals of day to day life absolutely tedious. I prefer to be at home, reading or something similar. But even when I am forced to leave the house, for college or to exercise or get food, then I avoid eye-contact with everyone and make sure nobody speaks to me or looks at me any longer than is absolutely necessary to get done what I need to do.

    I appreciate that I am reasonably fortunate compared to others. I am of above average intelligence, physically fit, in good shape, healthy, educated and financially secure. On the surface nobody around me would suspect the depths of my despair. Yet I feel apathetic all the time for no good reason. The fact that I have no reason to feel this way and yet still do only adds to my guilt. I always thought things would get better with age, but all I can say is as the years go on I become more and more aware of what a shitty pointless existence I have. I think about suicide every day but know I cannot go through with that until my mother passes on. She is a very nervous person, she worries a lot, has done everything for me and cares for me deeply. I know if I killed myself it would destroy her - she would not cope.

    So I am trapped. Each day is a living hell. I feel this weight on my chest, this constant sadness, this absolute dread about how I am going to get to the end of the day. I hate everything I do. I hate that I had to go to an anonymous forum because I am too much of a pussy to tell this to anyone in real life. But I had to get this off my chest. Because I have been hiding this for too long. I was hoping that putting it in words may give me some perspective. But there are so many intangible abstract feelings that I simply cannot express.

    How does one go on living when they feel as though they are already dead inside? :(
  2. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    I felt like you for so long but that changed a year ago and over time I realised there was a part of me that was alive and fighting through it all. Maybe that could be said for you? I don't know...

    It does feel pointless doesn't it? Everything can seem very pointless when you can't connect to people meaningfully.

    You say there is no good reason for you to feel this way but maybe there is? Your first paragraph might show that maybe you want some kind of meaningful genuine connection out there with a person, girl or friend...?

    What helped me when I felt similar to you was looking for what was alive within me and nurturing that part- as I nurtured that (and it takes a lot of work and thinking) the more the lifeless/dead/despair bit faded or eased off so it wasn't so all consuming...but I hear you. I've felt and do feel like you a lot in my life (thankfully less now than in the past), it's a bit like feeling like a ghost and feeling completely lost.
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I think the main mission is to explore for yourself what you want and what are the ways to get it (including professional help if warranted)...and then break everything into very small steps...find a leisure activity where you might meet women...exchange digits and take it from there..also talk to ppl in successful relationships about what they do to keep them that way...support is very important, but education is also critical...all the best, J
  4. /dev/null

    /dev/null Active Member

    Sounds exactly how I feel,
    and I'm not going to be around much longer because of it.

    If I were you though, I would at least try taking meds to fix it...
    They didn't work for me, but their still worth a shot for you...
    If they don't work, then at least you tried...
    I really hope things work out for you, that you succeed where I failed...
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