I feel like an empty shell. I drift aimlessly through the days. I see people around me that are so excited, so enthusiastic, so happy with life and I wonder why I can't manufacture that. I am 22-years old and still live with my parents. Not only have I never had a girlfriend, but I have never had a friend who is a girl. I barely have any male friends and those friendships are largely superficial. I struggle to show interest in others, I never desire to socialize and I find the commonly expected social rituals of day to day life absolutely tedious. I prefer to be at home, reading or something similar. But even when I am forced to leave the house, for college or to exercise or get food, then I avoid eye-contact with everyone and make sure nobody speaks to me or looks at me any longer than is absolutely necessary to get done what I need to do. I appreciate that I am reasonably fortunate compared to others. I am of above average intelligence, physically fit, in good shape, healthy, educated and financially secure. On the surface nobody around me would suspect the depths of my despair. Yet I feel apathetic all the time for no good reason. The fact that I have no reason to feel this way and yet still do only adds to my guilt. I always thought things would get better with age, but all I can say is as the years go on I become more and more aware of what a shitty pointless existence I have. I think about suicide every day but know I cannot go through with that until my mother passes on. She is a very nervous person, she worries a lot, has done everything for me and cares for me deeply. I know if I killed myself it would destroy her - she would not cope. So I am trapped. Each day is a living hell. I feel this weight on my chest, this constant sadness, this absolute dread about how I am going to get to the end of the day. I hate everything I do. I hate that I had to go to an anonymous forum because I am too much of a pussy to tell this to anyone in real life. But I had to get this off my chest. Because I have been hiding this for too long. I was hoping that putting it in words may give me some perspective. But there are so many intangible abstract feelings that I simply cannot express. How does one go on living when they feel as though they are already dead inside?