I am always hurting.

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by James Wood, Jan 22, 2016.

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  1. James Wood

    James Wood Member

    I don't know what to write. Most of my time is spent talking with people in chat.

    I have trouble posting on other people's threads because I don't know what to say to make them feel better.

    Well. Where to start. I guess, ill just give a brief overview on me. My name isn't really James wood. Its more an alias to protect my privacy. But calling me James is just fine. First thing to know about me. I am an excellent liar. For me, telling lies comes as easy as breathing. And when I say lies, i mean important lies. I don't mean i excel at covering up who ate the last piece of cake. Im talking about when someone looks into your eyes and asks if your ok. I Could convince anyone that im dandy as hell. That i look forward to each coming day. I do however, never lie to other ppl about any issue other than my depression. That is to say. My lies only concern myself. I would never lie about other people.

    In other words, If I ever talk to you on here, and I tell you that I care about you, and I hope the best for you. Know that I am telling the TRUTH!

    For many years I was able to lie even to my family. Not even I however, could keep this up indefinitely. Even family tend to notice when you eat nothing and stay in bed for a week or so.

    So that's all I've got. The only positive thing I can say about myself, is that I can lie to people about how much I HATE myself. I am repulsed by myself. It would take too long to go into detail in this subject. But, to give a brief overview. I was born into a country that respects human rights. I was born into a loving family, with money and supplies to put a roof over my head, and food on the table each night. What right do I have to feel the way I do, when i was born into such luxuries. My family assists me by paying hundreds of dollars for therapy, and even meds when my own wallet runs dry. There are people overseas who dont even live to hit puberty. Those are the people who deserve the money being spent on me.
    To see all this money wasted on someone as pathetic as me, when there are ppl far more deserving out there that could make good use of this money repulses me. Even my father has grown tired of me, and I feel as if he wants to hurt me out of frustration after he lost his temper with me one night and nearly hit me.

    Even reading peoples threads on here. I see people who have been abused, raped and assaulted. You are the people that deserve this systems care and attention. And to see that people have had these terrible things happen to them. To know that they lack the luxuries and the care that I have been shown makes me so sad.

    I feel like if i were to have an "accident", then these people, people like you reading this now. would get the care you deserve. That it wouldn't be wasted on me.

    Well that's my first thread over with. Iv got a lot more issue's apart from whats listed above, but i hope you can get the gist of it.

    Please take care and stay healthy. For anyone reading this, Im sorry for adding even more negativity to your life. Nobody need reply to me, I don't deserve it, and I just needed to write this all down in front of me, in the hope that it would make more sense.
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  2. Lightwarrior

    Lightwarrior SF Social Media

    Hello James, first of all, I would like to tell You that You shouldn´t consider yourself a liar, it´s true You can lie to others about your mental state, such lies can be common to anyone who experience depression, either they don´t want others to be worried about them or they don´t want anyone to know about what is going on because they are ashamed or afraid of what people will think. I´m not saying your lies can be excused but since You are honest with other people about other issues and concerning what You feel and think about them, You shouldn´t throw stones at yourself and say You are a big liar, there´s people who lie to others to take advatange, who lie to hurt others, You said yourself that You don´t do such things, so I suggest You stop throwing stones at yourself, I don´t encourage You to lie, specially since I disagree with lying completely but I can understand some people´s circumstances and yours is one of them.

    Another thing that was easy to notice is that You put yourself too low, as far as I can see, You are a good hearted person who cares about others, You spoke about people who don´t have a chance to reach puberty and those who don´t have much of a good finantial status as You and your family do but at the same time, You put yourself so low as if You didn´t matter, just because You have a good finantial life, it doesn´t mean your mental wellness doesn´t matter, a good finantial life has nothing to do with mental wellness because such thing can only exist when the heart/mind is filled with pleasant feelings/thoughts.

    Trust me, a lot of people who don´t have much of a finantial life, they are much more happy than those who have because they appreciate the simple things and learn from what they can, they are strong and positive to fight for their rights and future.

    I don´t know how You developed your depression and how much it´s been growing inside You but seems like it has been grown a lot, You call yourself pathetic, You shouldn´t say that or feel that way towards yourself, as far as I know, people who beat depression can only do so when they give themselves care, of course it´s not a miracle answer for your problems but it can help You get started on recovering, changing some aspects such as pessimism can help You understand that You can get out of this state You´ve been, no matter how long You´ve been in it and how much, but You need to help yourself. All the medications and all the professional help won´t make You reach any place if You don´t walk on yourself, medications can treat the biological but never what is in the heart but what is in the heart can treat all and that´s the treatment I believe You need, the one that comes from within .

    I think that the first step towards recovering is understand what went wrong in the past and what triggered the development of such mental condition, then You can allow yourself to find out what You can and what You can change in your daily life in order to start getting better, it´s a slow process and steps sometimes are interrupted by failures but it´s important never to give up !!!

    If You like reading and would like to read something good, feel free to go here : http://www.journeytoyourendless.blogspot.com

    I wish You will get well !!!!
    Take care and think about what I said, do not put yourself below .
  3. James Wood

    James Wood Member

    Thank you for your honest words. I can see truth in what you say.

    Kind of like saying you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink. Perhaps its true the only way I can get better is by not thinking so lowly of myself. But at the moment I just cant help it. I feel like what your asking is equivalent to tricking myself into believing the sky is red.

    Perhaps in time my opinion will change.

    But regardless what happens to me, thank you again.
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  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi James! Your lack of self confidence and self esteem screams out at me when reading your post. Don't need to be a psychologist to see that. You deserve to be respected and your family are doing very well with helping pay the medical bills, is it possible they know you are under estimating your mental illness for their sake? You are lucky and so am I, I have the type of family that would pay for me to get therapy too. It doesn't make us bad people, it feels good just to know there is someone that cares that much. Don't compare yourself with someone from a third world country, they might be worse off and sick but mental illness is just a disease just like a physical one. As I always say you wouldn't apologise for having a heart attack so don't apologise for the ''invisible illness''. So what kind of therapy are you receiving? Is it helping any bit? I think all of us with mental illness here have lied about how we are mentally, saying ''im grand'' or ''im okay'' when i feel like dying inside.

    I am glad you came here and wrote out your thoughts and I hope it helped.
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  5. Lightwarrior

    Lightwarrior SF Social Media

    Hi again, James.
    Seems like that is the hardest thing for You to do at the moment, I don´t know what keeps You from building up a little self steem and recognizing yourself as valuable but I don´t think You should wait for days when You will be feeling better, of course there will be such days but if You wait for them everytime, You might get used to it and only help yourself when You wake up feeling better one morning and all goes well for You during the day, You can´t depend on such circumstances because they are temporary. It´s when all the odds are agaisn´t us that we must fight and persevere, I know it ain´t easy, on the contrary, only those who experience depression know how many negativity goes on within through thoughts and feelings but working agaisn´t them is a start towards recovery. I am not asking You to believe in something which is impossible or doesn´t exist, it does but You gotta make it happen otherwise You might find reasons to fill yourself with doubts and pessimism.

    And hey, You didn´t add any negativity to anyone´s life by sharing how You feel, anyone who is here is supposed to share and help others, so do not put any blame over yourself. You are a good guy, I can see that through the way You talk but You need to learn to give yourself more value, even when others don´t .

    Take care and I hope your opnion will change with time and that You´ll allow yourself to fight back
    Just make sure, You do not hold yourself from doing it, sometimes people tend to get accustomed to feeling down, do not be one of them, it is not okay at all and what happens to You does matter !!!
  6. Inanimate

    Inanimate Well-Known Member

    I think trivializing and dismissing your problems just because someone else might have it worse is counterproductive to your recovery in terms of depression; it just makes you feel even more alone. What matters most is, not what your problems are, but how you feel about them, really. (I had read something like this on SF's introductory page or guidelines page; I couldn't agree more.)
  7. James Wood

    James Wood Member

    Hey petal, thxs for your kind words and advice. You always seem to make the time to cheer everybody up here, although im new ish, i can see how important you are to the people in this community. So thank you, and you are appreciated :)

    I know your right about helping myself. Just some days, getting up and going out into the world makes me feel so much worse. I need to act for everybody all day. It makes me very tired. But ill try.

    I can confirm that it is very counter productive. But I can't help it. At least not right now.
  8. Lightwarrior

    Lightwarrior SF Social Media

    Hello James, hope You´re having a good Saturday !
    I understand what You say, sometimes We wanna be alone but need to go out there and face our responsibilities but I don´t think You need to act for everybody in order to please them or something, I am not saying to treat people bad and take things out on them because that´s not good but I am saying, if You feel like being quiet, people need to respect that even if they don´t know what is happening. You can be polite and kind to people and still be quiet. Just make sure that such quietness is productive and not auto destructive and also do not drive yourself completely away from others, it´s not good . You don´t have to treat people bad because of how You feel and at the same time You don´t have to get tired of putting up with acts, hope You understand my message .

    Take care !!!
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