I am an awful person

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by findsomeonetocarryyou, Aug 30, 2011.

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  1. Here are the facts:

    Quit my job a month ago. I was a waitress. No skills.

    Have been in my room for a month. Save a couple minutes a day here and there. Possible agoraphobia? Scared of roommates.

    Lying in bed all day reminds me of jail.


    Prostitution arrest. Regret regret regret. Escort for two weeks. Unfair that I was arrested, for something people do for much longer. Unfair that I was arrested at all. For a crime. I didn't hurt anybody. I was a volunteer at the time. Here in New Orleans. Was trying to get $$ to go to costa rica to work on wildlife preserve. Thought I didn't deserve to be hurt like that (jail) because I was doing good. See? Selfish. I think I have PTSD from jail. It was more horrible than I could put into words.

    Horrible lawyer talked me into pleading guilty because he didn't care enough about a ***** to defend me. I let him do this to me. I could have fought the charge and gotten off. I never agreed to have sex for money. Only time for money. The cop lied in trial. I let him. I have intense fantasies about killing him. See? Awful person. I want to go to his house. Do some crazy shit Funny Games style. Put a gun in his mouth. Say "this is what it feels like to have your life taken away from you!" Pull trigger.

    I was rapped by an abusive boyfriend who I stayed with for four years. Getting arrested was much worse than that.

    Who knows about my arrest? Who is going to find out? Could you move forward with your life after this? What kind of career could I ever have?

    Was a cam girl for awhile. So there might be/probably are lots of videos of me floating around.

    Thinking about being a cam girl again. Would be different thought. I would disguise my looks this time because I'm fat now.

    Last year I had an adderall addiction. Would go for weeks at a time w/o food/sleep. Lost all my money and all my friends. Stole from my parents for money. Drove to Mexico to get more addy. I suppose I liked the high but mostly I just wanted to be thin. I have had an eating disorder as long as I can remember.

    Moved back to NOLA 6 months ago. I got off the addy. And started compulsively eating. 5'6''. 190. This is why I can't go to job interviews. In the service industry, looks matter a lot. I psych myself out and tell myself I will not get hired, so why try?

    I have $50 to my name.

    I have been eating my roommates food. Lowest of disgusting despicable lows. I want to buy healthy food and go on a diet but I fear they will eat my food to get back at me. So I buy no healthy food. I buy ramen. And candy. Keep it in my room. I know that's a fucked reason to not buy healthy food.

    Can not see a way out of the crazy negative thinking going on in my head.

    What to do, what to do? Have enrolled in two classes in Tulane this semester. Oh that's another thing. I've been going to school on and off for many years now. I get too depressed to go to class and I have failed many a semester. So my GPA is shot to shit. Even if I do graduate, how can I ever get a job/go to grad school with a gpa like that? I have no future.

    I ruined every relationship I have back home because of the adderall fuckedupedness. I made some REALLY good friends when I moved back here and proceeded to ruin every single friendship I had when I became depressed again. This girl burns bridges like there is no tomorrow.

    All alone. No social support. No job. No money. Have ruined my looks, my only accomplishment, my only skill, the only thing I have had to hold on to my entire adult life. Even if I loose the weight, my skin will be saggy. And I look older now too because of the adderall. My 27th birthday is tomorrow. I have some birthday plans.

    I didn't even read any other posts on this forum. There are people out there who have it much worse than I do. Who could use my compassion and support. I do not have the motivation or energy to do anything other than post this self pitying garbage. Before I got arrested I wanted to change the world. And I thought I could. But now I know that people are shit, including myself. Why am I posting this? For a miracle. Someone that can magically say the right combination of words that brings some light into my polluted mind. I am too consumed with regret at all my blown opportunities to go on.

    It is 5:30am. I haven't sleptthis is rambling. I hate myself sooooo badly right now. My aunt killed herself in april. My mom was sad but she blamed my aunt. Said she was selfish. My passing with hurt her, but ultimate I know she will understand deep down that she'll be better off. I'm looking forward to the pain I will feel in my chest. I'm looking forward to the polluted water filling my lungs. Mostly I am looking forward to the peace. I'm going to use my $50 to binge and then maybe sleep. And tomorrow I will go to Cyprus Bayou. You should know that I am a better writer than this. And that every word I have written is true. Except this last paragraph. It's a fantasy to comfort myself. But seriously though. : (

    If you have read this thank you. If you have read this, than you are on a suicide forum and am I crying for your pain. I am sorry. I wish I had more strength.
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and so glad you could share this with us...yes, you can make a sucess out of yourself after being jailed...sounds like you are very insightful, but stuck in some difficult times...please try to forgive yourself, as you did what you had to do in a situation where only you got hurt (not that this is acceptable)...and continue to let us know how you are doing
  3. Thank you for not judging me. I'm not sure what made me post all that.... I guess I just feel like I'm at my wits end. I think I almost want someone to say, yes you are awful and hopeless. Getting my life back on track seams SO hard right now and I'm not sure I have the strength to do it. I have been depressed my entire life (which has resulted in some horrible decisions!) Even if I do try to make something of myself, what would be the point? I'm scared I'm always going to be miserable. Suicide looks very easy from where I'm sitting. Just trying to take it one hour at a time right now. I'm trying to hard. I really am.
  4. Hi and welcome to the forum.. :hug:

    I have been to the jail for attempting suicide.. I know what is jail like.. It doesn't matter to us whether you have been to the jail or not; so as long as you can come back on your feet and face the new challenges ahead.. :hug: Keep posting..
  5. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    Welcome. :hug: I will be thinking of you...Mr. A
  6. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    You tell quite the tale of survival.

    I can only think of a few things to say.

    First, if you and your mom are still talking then things are not too bad between you and her. I would ask her for help. Chances are you will have to sacrifice some freedom and adult privileges. However, that is the only way to gain back trust.

    About school, I think you need to finish. Dive head first in and go. Don't worry too much about your GPA. Large companies screen in GPA, but they receive thousands of resumes a day. If it is under 3.0 don't put it on a resume, and don't mention it if you are not asked. I don't believe grad school would be a good idea for you. Grad school takes a much more intense approach. However, the thing about grad school is that if you work for a few years your GPA doesn't matter.

    As for your extra skin, do so weight lifting. Build up muscle to fill out that extra skin. However, I wouldn't worry about that until you have a job.

    You have the power to accomplish whatever you want. You described all this stuff you did. How you went to any length to get Adderal. You have the capacity to be dedicated and determined. You do not need a drug to access it. You need to have faith in yourself.
  7. lostinca

    lostinca Well-Known Member

    Sweet girl you are not a awful person at all, just simply a person that has been forced to make awful choices in order to survive.
    Please pm me if you need to talk at anytime ok?
    Im here to listen.
  8. Thank you guys. For your advice and your caring. I feel like a zombie right now because I still haven't slept and this is not a very thoughtful reply but I really wanted to let you all know: You helped.
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