I am an unappealing person, and I have never been in a relationship.

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by A_New_Man, Mar 15, 2008.

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  1. A_New_Man

    A_New_Man Well-Known Member

    I don't mean to be negative, or whiny, or self-degrading, but I must be honest: it is very hard for me to feel good about myself.

    I have been told numerous times that I have an unattractive and unappealing appearance. Countless women have told me that they would never date someone who is as ugly as I am.

    I am 20 years old, but I have never had a girlfriend, and no girl has ever shown any interest in me. I want a meaningful, fulfilling relationship, but no girl would ever be willing to give me a chance.

    All girls, whether strangers or acquaintences, seem to avoid me. If I even look in a girl's direction, she immediately looks away and tries to make herself seem busy so that I will not bother her. Other guys can easily talk to girls, and flirt anytime they want. If I approach a girl, she seems annoyed; if I try to say anything even remotely flirtatious to a girl, she appears disgusted, and literally offended.

    Other guys are capable of securing a girlfriend, or at least a date, anytime they want to. But I am not capable of any such thing. This leads me to feel very insecure and inferior. I cannot be confident in myself or feel secure with myself, as long as I know that no girl would ever desire me. (Because girls instantly reject me based on my appearance, it would make no difference if I did have a self-assured personality, anyway.)

    I deeply desire a loving relationship with a girl. I want to experience love, appreciation, and affection, but no girl would ever give me a chance. And I don't just want a puppy - I want a real live human being who loves me and likes me for who I am.

    My loneliness is a source of great suffering for me. I want to become a more appealing person. I know that confidence is attractive, but it's very hard for me to have faith in myself when girls avoid me and call me ugly all the time. If I am smug and superior, will that make me appear more confident? If act as though I value myself, will that make me appear self-assured, or just arrogant and egotistical?
  2. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    I'm sorry that you have had such negative experiences with girls. Don't give up though. All girls are not like that. I'm sure you can find one who will love you for who you are. Have you ever tried talking to an unattractive girl? A girl like that might be able to see past your appearance.
  3. trux

    trux Well-Known Member

    We're in the exact same situation there, you're really expressing what's on my mind. I wish I could make you feel better, but I don't think I can do that. I'm gonna rather tell you what I think...

    Until not so long ago I thought being more confident in myself would make me appear more attractive, less ugly somewhat. I can't say that I've managed to do that, but I've met a few people who aren't good looking yet very self-confident, and they don't have more success with girls than I do. There's a small difference though, which is they're able to make friends quite easily, a part of those friends being girls. But no matter how interesting they might be, their look is the reason why they haven't got a girlfriend. I'm not saying there is no hope, because there are quite a bunch of examples of unattractive guys who have been in a relationship with nice/interesting/beautiful/whatever girls, just that being ugly make us having a much harder time with the opposite sex...

    I haven't got the miracle solution, but one thing I'm sure of is most - if not all - of your psychological problems will go away once you start trusting in yourself. I know that's easier to say than to do, especially since that's something I haven't been able to do, but that's what we must aim at. Something has to change anyway...
  4. bronwyyn

    bronwyyn Well-Known Member

    I want to give the opinion of the other side of the coin. Don't know if it will help, but at least you can see it from a girl's point of view.

    For the majority of my life (aka when I haven't gained too much weight) I have been a pretty attractive girl. I don't want you to think I'm being egotistical; this isn't my own opinion, but what my friends, family, and strangers have said. If I meet a guy online and he checks out my myspace pics, he will thereafter call me 'beautiful' or 'sexy' or tell me he was drooling on the computer screen. When I was younger and skinnier, I was hit on by at least 3 guys a day. A lot of the time it wasn't solely my looks, but my personality as well. Even being fat now, I still get hit on. That's why I said "attractive" and not "beautiful". I don't feel like I've ever been "beautiful", but I have been attractive. That's the background. Now on to what I wanted to say...

    I have never once in my life been attracted to a guy because of his looks. In fact, both of the men whom I have had serious relationships with, I thought were physically unattractive when I first met them. That didn't deter me one bit from getting to know them and falling in love. Once in love, I thought they were the sexiest men on the whole planet. When I was married, my husband's friends and co-workers were always asking him "how'd you get a girl like that?'.

    I abhor people who judge others on their looks. I know that many people do and it sickens me. When a complete stranger would hit on me (and I'm talking about guys that most girls would drool over) I would immediatly shut them down because I know that they only saw what I looked like and not who I was. I have never ever been with a guy that I wasn't friends with first.

    I guess what I'm trying to say is that any girl who would not want to be with you because of the way you look is a complete dumbass and not worthy of your time. Everyone gets old and ugly in the end... fact of life. Only the beauty of a personality and a soul lasts.

    By the way, I never liked confident guys either. They always did come off as arrogant to me. Maybe I'm wierd. Hell, I know I'm wierd; but I just wanted you to know that there is one girl out there who doesn't give a rat's ass what you look like. If there's one, there are others.

    I didn't used to believe this, but I have come to realize that there is someone for just about everyone. They may be hard to find. It may take years. But it is so totally worth it. It causes nothing but headache and heartache to be with the wrong person. You need to find your soulmate.

    There's a great quote, and I can't remember who said it, but it goes "You like people for their good qualities, but you love them for their faults." I have rarely hear truer words.

    I have also found that it almost always happens that as soon as you stop looking for someone to be with, that's when you find "the one".
    So maybe stop looking and just make friends. Think about the things about you and your personality that are cool or different or interesting, and focus on those and not on your looks.

    Science tells us that men are stimulated visually (by the way a girl looks), but girls are more stimulated by the other senses: smell, sound, and especially the imagination. Speak to a girl in a gentle voice, wear a nice cologne, and stimulate the power of her mind. To me, a good conversation is the sexiest thing a guy can do (well, aside from a kick ass back-rub :laugh:).

    If you let a girl get to know you without thinking about having a relationship with her (and we can ALWAYS tell if you are thinking that), then maybe you will have the chance to let her get to know YOU and see you as beautiful.
  5. A_New_Man

    A_New_Man Well-Known Member

    Wow - I'm amazed that a woman like you exists! That's incredibly encouraging to know. I wonder how many other women are like that, and how many are the opposite.

    Thank you very much, Dave_N, trux and especially bronwyyn, for the encouraging words.
  6. bronwyyn

    bronwyyn Well-Known Member

    :cheekkiss That's so funny, I get that a lot. (Especially after a guy tastes my cooking! :laugh:)

    I've met two other women like me in my whole life, and they are, of course, now my best friends. I'd say: rare but worth it.

    Glad I could brighten your day, knowing that has brightened mine! :hug:

    Hang in there... you'll meet her when you least expect it.

    PM me anytime you'd like to talk! :cheekkiss
  7. votestrike

    votestrike Member

    "any girl who would not want to be with you because of the way you look is a complete dumbass and not worthy of your time."
    girls like that tend to be stuck up & have no personality.

    "as soon as you stop looking for someone to be with, that's when you find "the one".-brownyyn
    the zen approach never fails.

    And if you can't wait for "the one" there's drunk old ladies at the night clubs when you turn 21.

    But try to enjoy your freedom while you have it because once you find "the one" you will lose yourself.
  8. votestrike

    votestrike Member

    "any girl who would not want to be with you because of the way you look is a complete dumbass and not worthy of your time."
    girls like that tend to be stuck up & have no personality.

    "as soon as you stop looking for someone to be with, that's when you find "the one".-brownyyn
    the zen approach never fails.

    And if you can't wait for "the one" there's drunk old ladies at the night clubs when you turn 21.

    But try to enjoy your freedom while you have it because once you find "the one" you will lose yourself.
  9. bronwyyn

    bronwyyn Well-Known Member

    That first part cracked me up! :rofl: ...Very true though. There's the Bloodhound Gang quote that it reminded me of; but I think it's a little too crude to write here. (If you don't know what I'm talking about, PM me and I'll tell you the quote.)

    The second part bothered me though. "Losing yourself" is what happens when you fall for the wrong one. When you meet your soulmate, you find yourself. It's completely different. "The one" is the person who makes you feel most like who you really are, and reminds you of who you really are when you start to lose yourself.
  10. SAVE_ME

    SAVE_ME Well-Known Member

    Hey EvaXephon, I hear ya, there was a time when I was like that myself. I remember one night I was laying on my bed, face down on my pillow crying my eyes out because I never thought I'd ever be in a loving relationship, and I was so desperate, I would've said "yes" to the first girl that came along...I even considered using online dating sites a few times, but like bronwyyn said, it's better not to go looking for love, but let love find you....anyway, that's where my story comes in....one day I was just surfing the net, bored to death when I joined a rping site. A few months later I made a friend via this rping site, and for the next few months we chatted away endlessly for hours via MSN and what not, to the point we became inseparable, like "best friends". We then developped feelings for each other and, a few months later, we both ended up just blurting it out. Quite funny when I look back on it, but I'm glad I did. I didn't join this site with the intention of falling in love either, it just happened. Now it's gotten to the point where we both exchange snail mail every few weeks. We've even sent each other pics of ourselves. Now, I'm not really much to look at, and I was surprised when she told me she thinks I look "HOT" :tongue: lol, but it's like they say "beauty is in the eye of the beholder" - what might look ugly to some ppl might be the complete opposite to others. My gf isn't the kind of girl most guys would go for, but I still find her attractive, and I find small things about her that I find cute :laugh:

    Also, like bronwyyn mentioned, try and establish a friendship first before looking for something more, ya know? After all, all the best couples start off as friends. In fact, several times my gf has told me she considers me her best friend as well as her boyfriend. Hell, I've seen ppl in relationships who can't stand each other, who know nothing about each other, and it's a wonder to me how they are even in a relationship in the first place. Those are the kinds of relationships which crash and burn, and will cause you nothing but stress and heartache.

    But this just goes to show that you can find love in the most unlikely of places, and when you least expect it, and when you do it's that much sweeter, and you'll be thankful for it in the long run. The wait will be well worth it my friend.

    If you ever need to chat, my inbox is always open. :smile:
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 16, 2008
  11. aki

    aki Well-Known Member

    Hi EvaXephon, I'm a girl and the same age as you, I just want to say I HATE arrogant lads.:mad:
    And it's really hard to find a younger boy not like that. I assure you lots of girls would find a 'shy' personality really attractive.
    For a boy to be really sweet and respectful, to be sensitive and caring and not think that they're god's gift to women.....that's perfect!
    And also, I think personality is way more important than looks. I mean, why would you want to not be able to talk and have fun with the person you're going out with?
    Maybe look for girls who are a bit shyer and have the same interests as you, I don't really think opposites attract to be honest.
  12. Angelo_91

    Angelo_91 Well-Known Member

    i feel your pain man.. it isn't healthy for a human to feel no love in their life and it hurts a lot when there isnt. dont give up though, just like everyone says here , you deserve more than this and eventually youll get it. remember this, the only way to put yourself out of the game is to take yourself out of the game. just workout, run and try to have fun.
  13. trux

    trux Well-Known Member

    What if it never happen?
  14. ggg456

    ggg456 Guest

    There are also girls who wouldn't place much emphasis on looks. When it comes to attraction and things, a lot is non-verbal. I don't know the type of people you're around though.

    Yeah. Or when it happens it might be too scary and you'd run. Who knows?
  15. downnout

    downnout Well-Known Member

    I agree with BROWNWYN, the second a guy feels the need to start talking about the amazing trips he's been on, how huge his house is or what car he drives, or starts tearing into other guys in the presence of girls... huge turn off.
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 22, 2008
  16. Random

    Random Well-Known Member

    Well, think of it this way. The opposite can be just as bad. Imagine how very attractive women must feel. Men come onto them everywhere they go. They basically can't even step out their front door without men coming out of the woodwork flirting with them.

    Now that may sound great if you're starving for attention but think about it for a minute. They have to try and come up with a polite excuse for every guy who comes onto them so they don't seem rude if they just don't like the guy or they just aren't interested. Can you even imagine what that must be like?

    And on top of that, a lot of men won't take no for an answer. And they often flirt in a way that's very offensive to women. Let's face it "Lets fuck" isn't a very nice way to introduce yourself to someone.

    Now I'm not saying that's what you're doing but women get approached in so many creepy and aggressive ways that they're probably just counting the minutes from the point that a guy sees them and the point that he makes a crude pass at them.

    Yeah. I know what it's like to feel unattractive. Although I don't really think I've ever had anyone say so right to my face, I know I'm not very attractive. But we have no choice but to work with what nature gave us. Don't focus so much on your appearance. I've seen a lot of average looking guys with gorgeous women. Don't give up but don't obsess over it either. It'll happen when it happens. Dwelling on it won't make it happen any sooner and isn't healthy.
  17. Random

    Random Well-Known Member

    What if you never become a multimillionaire?

    I know that sounds rude but think about it for a minute.
  18. rocknrollsuicide

    rocknrollsuicide Well-Known Member

    Girls who say that you are ugly are not worthy, don't you reckon? They should have a bloody look at themselves in the mirror before passing nasty - and I'm sure false - remarks on you. Not all girls are as shallows as those idiots who belittled you, seriously.
    Also I am part of the league of ladies who cannot stand confident men as I just seem them as being cocky, arrogant and blatantly uninteresting. Just smoke in the eyes.
    You will soon for sure find the gal who loves you no matter what. Remember: beauty is only skin deep. Take care
  19. Patch

    Patch Well-Known Member

    I think people are mixing 'confidence' up with 'arrogance'. Their is nothing more attractive than a confident person. A confident person is able to open up to strangers, able to laugh and joke around comfortably, and all the while isn't thinking about how he/she looks. Arrogant people are able to pretty much do the same thing, but do it 'knowing' they're hot shit. And thats just...ugly.

    That being said, their is nothing attractive about someone who is visibly insecure. Did you know that insecure people actualy draw attenton to their 'flaws'? If you think you're worth nothing, how can you expect another person to look past that. Give yourself more credit. Relax about dating, do things you love, get out into the world. Don't look at someone and focus on trying to pick them up, just be friendly and get to know them.

    And finaly, you're only 19! The world gets so much better after high school, your life has barely begun! Which you probably won't believe, but I needed to say it anyway.
  20. ggg456

    ggg456 Guest

    Being an insecure man doesn't mean that girls won't like you.

    What one person might see as a 'flaw' could be very attractive to another. You talk about 'girls' like all 'girls' are the same.

    :laugh: sorry that made me laugh. :laugh: I finally approached someone on myspace after a year, and the message being put out was mostly about sex....
    Last edited: Mar 25, 2008
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