Been a long time people and really believed I was getting over my husbands death www.martynrudland.com he was lovely and still miss him. To cut a long story short I had a bit of a falling out with a website 17 months ago and I joined a rival one and eventually promoted from Member to Mod to Admin. One of the members has picked on me in varias guises on both sites. I have coped marvolously through this with help from my partner who has kept me from doing anthing regrettable. Then this came HTML: http://www.e-goat.co.uk/forums/showthread.php?t=12384 its the first post and the cult reference is too our site currently in maintainence mode and obviously I have taken this to heart obviously they are discussing suicide and thats no crime and I know that but he came into our site and sucide before and its subtle as a brick. I never killed Martyn I swear I never wanted him to go and I am so sorry I may have been partially responciable but Marty died because someone was bullying him and I feel I have been bullied for too long by this man. Everyday I wake up and I envisiage my wrists bleeding and yet I would never slit my wrists - (takes too long) I also think I am still here and yet I have this idillic life and a man I care about and him I. Maybe I am being too sensitive and I look silly (thats nothing knew) but A/ this woman is better off looking silly than dead (does not stop me wishing though) B/ Its my perception of the situation and thats got to be important. C/ Better to be thought of a fool than to be one.