I am dead inside and want to die

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by mare2192, Jun 27, 2014.

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  1. mare2192

    mare2192 Member

    Well i will start from my childhood. i Kinda had a good one but even than i felt depression. My grandpa died when i was young as did my brother. I was a strange quiet kid. Loved to play with everyone but always seemed to be the kid in front of the mirror playing with wooden blocks. I got into elementary nothing special there. Being the awkward kid. i remember one time i was like what 13 if i am correct, and this cool kid told me if you were not so weird we could be friends it hurt cause i was being myself. I went into high school my sister got married(cause of pregnancy not love) and my grandma died in the same week. I started to drink a lot cause i was feeling lonely. Than had girlfriend that got me onto drugs. She left me was heartbroken took me 4 years to pick up myself.
    And now last year my childhood friend died. He was young, he would have 21 in September this year. It hurt so much cause he was the one person that believed in me. He didn't have a cell phone, only played basketball, didn't want to work he was like Bob Marley so positive. He told me once that i am the only one free as i study art not like him electronics and that he knows that there will be something of me. After he died i started to drink more, and that's when i met her met her. I mean i knew her before but than we started to talk more and more. We became soul mates, we even had a connection type of thing where we would know how the other feels without talking or being there(sounds strange i know). Eventually i fell in love. So we had a relationship. And when we would be together it looked as the world stopped and all my and hers pain would go away. The problem was she had a boyfriend already. And she and i talked about it and she sad that sadly we have no future, and that's when i started to die inside. We like continued to talk but it was too strange and now i feel like that she has moved on or something. She did pull me out of my hole but now i am in an even bigger one. I mean i don't feel anything, i am so dead inside. I barely sleep, i am so empty and when i feel pain i am happy cause i feel something. Ad i have a problem with depression and bi polar. My meds seem not to work and i really want to die. I don't want to leave my life like this but i don't see any other way out.

    P.S. sorry it it was badly written i am not in my mind right now
     
  2. Perfect Melancholy

    Perfect Melancholy SF Friend

    Hello welcome to SF, I am sorry you have a tough time, I think from what I have read in your post, you are struggling because of what has happened with this girl and to be honest I wont bang on about whether you should or should not be with her etc because that isnt going to help.

    I will say when you suffer from a mental illness and something like this happens, it can be a bad trigger to make yourself feel worse, have you spoken to the doctors to try and get some extra support and try and help with your drinking?

    be gentle on yourself

    Rich
     
  3. mare2192

    mare2192 Member

    Most likely it is like a small snowflake that starts an avalanche. I m so messed up cause right now. I can't even concentrate i forgot to write that my sister is getting a divorce and moved in with two kids and my mothers mom is now staying at us cause she's got cancer.
    I have talked to my doctor and told him about my issue but he is like lets just add more anti depressives. As the days pass on i don't seem to see any other answer. Before when i was depressed i would paint, play my guitar or something now i can't. I can't even listen to music. I feel so lonely and lost...
     
  4. JV3

    JV3 Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry to read what you and your family are going through. That's definitely a lot on you right now, and for you to go up against all of these things makes you very brave and a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for.

    You said your previous relationship took you 4 years to get over, so you know how long it can sometimes take the mind and heart to heal, but you do know that with time you can heal and get better. I understand that right now, it's hard to see a way out, and when the heart is hurting and your mind his so many thoughts it is trying to cope with it's difficult to know how or when, and it can get to the point where you just want it to stop. You can definitely get through this, though.

    I am sorry to read about your mother, too. My father has been battling cancer for almost a year now. I know how hard that can be to watch, but he's been strong, and I want to be strong for him. My heart goes out to you and your family during this time.
     
  5. mare2192

    mare2192 Member

    You might consider me strong but i am not. I never learned to move on from anything i just learned to live with it. Got used to it. Now i just can't, i feel so depressed,lonely,empty. I lost the will to live i mean there are nights in when i would hope to die or to take a gun and just end it.
    I was isolated for a month before i got here i wasn't going out my friends don't talk to me why i don't know. I just sit home and waste away using alcohol and substances. At first it was to numb myself now it is just a way to protect that small amount of purity in me. I mean to cancel me out from the world.
    My grandma has cancer. My mothers mother. Sorry for confusion.
    P.S. Sorry if this my answer double posts cause my pc bugged.
     
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