I am doing it...

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by White Dove, Jul 29, 2007.

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  1. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    I am gonna do it...

    i am so sick of being told i am a liar when i came online here for support..

    What i posted online here was and is the truth.. i have NEVER posted a LIE HERE because this is suppose to be a place for support...

    I am so sick of my life... of my stupid past that will forever haunt me... IT WILL FOREVER HAUNT ME AND IT WILL NEVER STOP UNTIL IM DEAD...

    I am dead seriouse... and i am going to do it.. i have everything i need...

    i am sick of waiting.. i am tired of trusting and then getting my heart BROKEN AGAIN... LIKE SO MANY FREEKING TIMES BEFORE.... IM TIRED OF LETTING MY HEART OPEN TO THOSE WHO SAY , WE LOVE YOU BUT DO NOT REALLY LOVE ME.. OPEN TO THOSE WHO SAY I AM YOUR FRIEND , AND I CARE..

    WHAT A BUNCH OF BULL....

    My heart is closed permantly until this stupid life of mine is overwith....

    im gonna have fun.. im going to see the two derbies that are going to be at the fair , then i am gone.

    believe it or not thats your choice but i am doing it..

    im sick of this life.. i dont want it anymore..

    im sick of this cancer... i am not gonna stay here and fight it...

    im sick of those saying they are my friends ... when they only want to make fun of me and call me a liar..

    WELL CALL ME A LIAR AS MANY TIMES AS YOU WANT TO WHEN YOU SEE ME IN MY CASKET CAUSE I DONT GIVE A DAMN ANYMORE....

    THINK IM NOT SERIOUS??

    KEEP AN EYE ON THE OBITS , CAUSE IM, DOING IT..

    THINK ITS A LIE???

    WELL YOUD BETTER THINK THAT ONE OVER MY FRIEND..

    THOUGHT I WOULDNT DO IT THE LAST TIME EITHER?? DIDNT YOU??

    WELL I DID IT BUT CHICKENED OUT ..

    THIS TIME IM NOT CHICKENING OUT AND IM GETTING DRUNK TO MAKE SURE I GO THROUGH WITH IT..

    AND TO DAVID AND ELAINE WHO THINK THAT THEY ARE SO HIGH AND MIGHTY AND WHO DONT GIVE A DAMN ABOUT ME AND MY SOUL...

    WELL SCREW YOU.... IM ENDING IT AND THIS TIME YOU WONT REVIVE ME NOR FIND ME.. IT WILL BE TOO LATE.. YOU NEVER LOVED ME ANYHOW SO SCREW YOU BOTH... AND IF YOU SAID YOU LOVED ME I WOULDNT BELIEVE YOU ANYHOW.. YOUD ONLY SAY IT BECAUSE YOU KNOW IM DYING OF CANCER SO SCREW YOU... YOU DONT CARE FOR ME.. YOU DONT LOVE ME.... AND YOU SURE AS HELL DONT CARE FOR MY SOUL OR ELSE YOU WOULD HAVE BEEN HERE , YOU WOULD HAVE CALLED TO HELP ME EASE MY TROUBLED MIND AND SPIRIT BUT NO.. YOU HAVE YOUR OWN LIFE TO RUN WITH YOUR OWN PRETEND LOVE AND I REALLY FEEL SORRY FOR THOSE WHO YOU HAVE YET TO DO THIS TOO.. MAY GOD HAVE MERCY ON THEIR SOULS.. AND I AM NOT GONNA TAKE THE HOSPICE THINGY IN COOKEVILLE AT THE LAZAROUS HOUSE EVEN IF THEY GIVE ME FINANCIAL SUPPORT AND ALL THE PAPERWORK THEY FILLED OUT THE OTHER DAY IS NOW USELESS CAUSE I AM THROUGH WITH THIS LIFE AND IM NOT FIGHTING MY CANCER ANYMORE..

    AND PETER..( DEATHISCOMING ) IM TIRED AND SICK OF YOU TRYING TO PRETEND THAT YOU LOVE ME.. THEN SAY YOU ARE DYING OF LUNG CANCER AND IN A HOSPITAL , THEN SEND ME AN EMAIL SAYING YOU THINK YOUR TIME IS COMING AND THEN I HEAR THAT YOU GOT NEW LUNGS , WHAT A BUNCH OF BULL.. YOU HAVE LIED TO ME FROM THE BEGINING THEN YOU TURN AROUND AND SAY IM LYING.. HOW DARE YOU DO THAT? I FORGAVE YOU.. I FORGAVE YOU WHEN YOU HURT ME.. I CONTINUED TO PRAY FOR YOU THAT YOU WOULD HAVE A NEW LEASE ON LIFE, WELL IF YOUR SO CALLED WORDS ARE TRUE OF A NEW LUNG WELL THEN GOD ANSWERED MY PRAYER FOR YOU AND MAY HE HAVE MERCY UPON YOUR SOUL FOR HURTING ME WITH WHAT YOU WROTE TO ME AND I HOPE YOU THINK LONG AND HARD ABOUT SENDING SOMETHING LIKE THAT TO OTHERS... YOU SAY YOU CAUSED SOMEONE ELSE TO GO AND COMMIT SUSCIDE WELL I WONDER WHY? PERHAPS YOU TOLD HIM THE SAME THING AND HURT HIM ALSO JUST LIKE YOU DID ME.. WELL PETER MY NEW UN FRIEND YOU JUST CAUSED MY DEATH AND I HOPE THE HELL YOU ARE HAPPY NOW, MAYBE YOU CAN GO CAUSE SOMEONE ELSE TO DO IT....

    JUST A LITTLE PUSH CAN PUSH ONE OVER THE EDGE AND IM TIRED OF IT.. IM TIRED OF TRUSTING AND GETTING HURT.. IM TIRED OF TRYING TO FIND COMFORT AND LOVE AND SUPPORT AND GETTING HURT BY ONE PERSON WHO I DEARLY LOVED..

    IM SICK OF IT . IM SICK OF THIS STUPID LIFE OF MINE AND IM DOING IT.. IM ENDING IT.. AND THOSE THAT DONT BELIEVE ME OR THINK I AM JUST LYING ARE THINKING ONLY OF MY STUPID PAST SO SCREW YOU, GO ON AND THINK THAT WAY..

    YOU DROVE ME TO THE GRAVE AND I HOPE THE HELL YOU ARE HAPPY...
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 29, 2007
  2. pisces-music-girl

    pisces-music-girl Well-Known Member

    NOOOO! Don't go!

    Did you not see my other posts? Don't go, you're wrong, people do love you!

    I don't think you're a liar. You're not. I'm not going to make fun of you, I genuienely care and I do love you- just keep hanging in there.

    C'mon, White Dove... keep fighting.

    I wish I could say more but all I can say is that I love you, we love you, and just hang on!
     
  3. expressive_child

    expressive_child Well-Known Member

    Wo..wo..White Dove, don't do it!! Nooooo...hang in there! Talk to us, anyone, we care for you! Did you got my reply to your thread just now?? Please check it out. Its really not worth it!! Don't leave me just like that...
     
  4. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I know you are tired fo fighting everything WD, but your time here is not supposed to be ending quite yet. There is a reason why your oast attempts were not successful. Why let those other people win. Prove to them that you do have what it takes to fight and survive.
     
  5. ace

    ace Well-Known Member

    Please WD don't do this I can't lose my little dove just yet well I can't lose you ever to be honest but I need a special dove in my life,I'm here for you.:sad:
     
  6. Anna

    Anna Active Member

    White Dove,
    Please don't go. I understand how you are in so much pain. It breaks my heart to see you suffering so much, and I really wish I could help you in some way. You never deserved all this pain that was dealt to you. Losing your mom, the Daltons B.S and now the cancer. All the terrible things people have done to you, it' just not fair. You are a wonderful person and have a beautiful soul. I would miss you very much:sad: If there is anything I can do for you, please let me know. I am coming down to Tn. this weekend. Chattanooga and Calhoun. I don't know where you are there, but if it's not that far I would love to meet you and help you out for the time I will be there. Just pm me and I will give you my cell#. So if you would like to talk I am here for you. Again I am so, so sorry for all that you have been though.

    All my love to you, and prayers
    please try to hang in there ok?:hug::hug::hug:

    Love Anna
     
  7. swimmergirl

    swimmergirl Well-Known Member

    You obviously are very angry at several people, and those feelings are good to be having (although they don't feel good at all, I know). The passion and anguish that you are expressing tells me that you are a person that has a lot to offer in this life, you are not apathetic and numb, you are alive and capable of deep feeling, which not everyone in this world is capable of. That sensitive and feeling part of you can contribute a lot to this world if you let yourself and you can use your anger towards positive change. Anger is a great motivator for change. I sense a lot of passion from you, please don't waste that gift.
     
  8. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    Well i dont think i have much more to offer.. my life is ending anyhow from cancer...

    But i do get to do something i have never done before.. I AM GOING CAMPING FOR THE FIRST TIME THIS WEEKEND... a little place called Indian Creek.. I can fish and stay by the water for a couple of days.. Then on aug 9 and 10 i get to see the demo. derbies which i really love to watch... then i think im out of here for good...

    Yes i got a lot of anger and its about time i let them know just how much they hurt me... I want them to know that their actions put more hurt upon me then they could ever know and understand...

    And i also want them to know that i am not taking any of their pretend love anymore.. Either you love me honestly and like God comands it or else you can take your so called pretend love and shove it....

    And to the Daltons you have a choice now.... Either you love me with the true honest heart of God or you can take your so called lying love and shove it...

    David and Elaine... if you had honestly had a true love of God and if you had honestly cared for me or for my feelings then you would have called, you would have come by to see how i was doing, you would have at least sent a letter , etc but you didnt because your love to me was not true, was not real... You assumed the worst about me without giving me the chance to explain things to you, without giving me the chance to remember things, you thought the worst of me without giving a thought as to just how much you could have been wrong... You assumed all of this because of my stupid past and you judged me wrongly and i have tried to make things right because God requires it = AND YOU KNOW THAT CAUSE YOU TAUGHT ME THAT = but now i am giving up on trying to amend the fences with you ... I cant do it when you both have hardened hearts and are not willing to and i have fully talked with God about it night after night... I wanted peace between us , i needed peace between us to rest my mind and my spirit yet you have no thought for me or my spirit.. You have no thought for my feelings... And i still can remember the time i gave you the letter = because things are easier for me to write it out = and you threw it down on the table and JT was in there also that day.. you were angry with me and i did nothing wrong.. it was MY NIECE , A CHILD , A CHILD WHO USED MY COMPUTER , i did not understand your attitude toward me , nor the attitude you took toward me after that until i found out what had happened...

    I am hurt by you and Elaine.. I am hurt that you could think i could stoop that low.. i am hurt because you have known me and my heart many times.. you know that if i do anything wrong i am always ready to repent when i understand the wrong i did cause i have an HONEST TRUE OPEN HEART OF LOVE TOWARD GOD AND OTHERS...

    I AM ANGRY AND HURT BY YOU BOTH BECAUSE YOU BOTH CANT SEE WHAT IS GOING ON.. YOU CANT SEE MY HEART THAT IS BLEEDING INSIDE WITH HURT.. YOU CANT SEE MY MIND OR SPIRIT THAT IS TROUBLED BECAUSE OF THIS.. it is troubled because my niece did things and i was too dumb or not smart enough to find it all out until it was way too late... and by that time you both already hated me...

    I am angry and hurt because you cant see the truth in all of this... i am upset that i have did what God requires of me to bring peace between us yet it now appears you do not want that.. it appears you dont want the truth.. it appears that even when i tell you the truth that you will not accept it yet it is the truth.. and as GOD IS MY WITNESS RIGHT HERE AND RIGHT NOW , EVERYTHING I HAVE SAID ONLINE HERE IS THE TRUTH , AND IF NOT THEN GOD HAS EVERY RIGHT AND EVERY POWER TO STRIKE ME DEAD..

    I am hurt that i tried to send letters that have come back refused... you have refused letters , you have refused speaking with me to make peace and may God have mercy upon your souls for that.

    I am angry that i have cancer. i am angry that it took my mom when i was 15 , i am angry that it will take me away.. i am angry and hurt that others can not see that i am open and honest with my feelings and with my weaknesses..

    David you and your wife could have at least tried... You and your wife could have at least took the time to know the truth of what happened and how.. You could have at least help eased my mind , you could have at least put my spirit at ease but seeing as how you did not and i have tried all i can do.. i have pleaded and pleaded with you... do you like the fact that i have to beg you??? does it make you feel good that i come online and beg like this??? Does it make you that much more of a man? of a minister???

    Well i guess it really doesnt matter anymore now does it??

    My time is set and all it takes is me getting the nerve like before...

    I will not die with a pain of cancer.. i will end it my way and on my time...

    You got a choice... you both do... so how much do you really love me??

    DO YOU LOVE ME ENOUGH TO HELP ME EASE MY SPIRIT?

    DO YOU LOVE ME ENOUGH TO WANT ME TO FIGHT THE CANCER , EVEN THOUGH I CANT WIN??

    ARE YOU WILLING TO MAKE PEACE??

    YOU BOTH HURT ME... SO ARE YOU WILLING TO HELP ME EASE MY MIND AND SPIRIT SO I CAN GO TO HEAVEN IN PEACE??

    IF NOT THEN IM CARRYING MY PLANS OUT...
     
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