I am done "holding on"

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Kassy, Nov 21, 2013.

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  1. Kassy

    Kassy Well-Known Member

    My life is so screwed up that I gave up.
    I have my plan, and thanks God, I learned through the year NOT to talk about it to anyone.
    Why ? Because not most of the time, buy EVERY single time someone tried to help me, they make it so much worse.
    Now, I avoid help. I avoid happiness too. This is a dangerous weapon... something opaque which hides the reality.
    But when the reality is back, it drowns me deeper time after time.

    Last time was the last.
    If there is ever a next time, where life drags me downer than I am now, I will execute my plan.

    As my psychiatrist said "You suffered a lot... more than anyone I ever met".
    I am done with suffering. I had enough.
    Yes, I am sad about my decision to end my life, but for the last 39 years, it happened to be the best decision I am taking.
    :-(
     
  2. Kassy

    Kassy Well-Known Member

    No need to encourage me or anything...
    I just need a place "safe" where I can be negative without :
    *being judged
    *getting pity
    *getting help
    *getting encouragement about a nicer future
    * (the list is quite long)

    Pretty much each time I am voicing concerns, I am being accused of something.
    Wont talk anymore about anything negative... will put masks in real life.
    If you allow me, here will be the only place I will be able to remove all masks and be me, as negative as I am.
     
  3. sweetles

    sweetles Well-Known Member

    Kassy...hi, just wanted to let you know you have my respect big-time. i admire your courage and strength, something so-called "healthy" people might not recognize in those like us. and personally, i think there's nothing wrong with you being you, no matter how negative/depressed/scarred that may be. real beats phony/delusional happycrap any day, imo.
     
  4. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    hi Kassy
    I just wanted to let you know that I read what you wrote. I just hope you will keep posting. Even with what you call "negative" words. So remove the mask while you are here. I think its a great place to do that. People irl ask me how I am. I always say great. When I am here I say whatever I want. And believe me, its not "great". The mask does come off when I am here
     
  5. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    Hi kassy,

    i saw you in chat last night, and when i saw you go to triggering subjects, i followed you over to try to make sure you are alright. i am sorry you are in so much pain and i hope one day you will feel safe enough to talk about it. i've only been here a couple weeks, but the people i have met are awesome and very understanding. i hope you will test it out, before you decide to take yourself out.... what can it hurt to try one more thing before you really end it all? at worst, it fails.... no problem, u still have the option to take yourself out.... but maybe it can help, and even it only helps a lil, isn't that reason enough to stick around, to get some of that pressure u have on you, that darkness... lifted off just a bit? *hugs* i hope you will stay safe
     
  6. Count Floyd

    Count Floyd Well-Known Member


    Definitely no judging here. I'm in your boat too. I'm just trying to work it out so my dogs will be okay. I'm ready to go. Can't take it anymore. I with you.
     
  7. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    countfloyd... i know life is hard at times, hell more than hard a lot of times for me, and i suspect for u too since u suffer mental illness.... but there is also good moments that come, those are the moments we should hold on for... dont u think we deserve them after all we've been thru? dont you think you deserve them?? theres too many ppl that will hurt when any one of us pass on ... even if u dont realize it, every person that u cross paths with in life, you affect in some way..... lots of ppl will feel your loss, and its a harsher pain if its by suicide. i dont know you, so i cannot tell you specifically what in your life you should try to live for... but i can tell you this, i live for 2 reasons ... maybe u can borrow one of them

    #1 I have a plaque on my wall behind my pc hanging up that reads:
    "Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."
    I'm a bit greedy and selfish I guess because I figure I deserve to see each of those moments and I"ll be danged if I let some jerk in my life or that crosses my path take any of those moments away from me. Suicide takes the opportunity for those moments away.

    #2 I know the pains I went thru, and I went thru them alone.... I dont wish taht on anyone, so when I see someone in pain, I try to reach out... and I try to help, especially those that have been through simlar pains as me because I can completely understand and have insight as to what may help them, others I try to find somene that has been thre or otherwise has the capability to help them. If I suicide... they dont have that, and they may be as alone as I was. Nobody deserves that... so I hang on for that too.

    If neither of those things are good enough for you, I hope you and Kassy both find your own reasons... you both deserve to live to see those moments.

    Please take care and be good to yourself.
     
  8. Kassy

    Kassy Well-Known Member

    You have more strentgh than me, for sure.
    I have been holding on the message of a chinese cookie saying " dont give up yet, the best is to come" and it worked for a bit.
    But then, what happened lately not only put me back down in a dark hole, but it broke me in thousands of pièces.

    It is so painful, I know I will not be able to put the pièces together. Not that time.

    It will take a miracle for me to go through another year of life.
    I am almost done of my will and did a bucket list of the 10 last things that will take my breath away.

    I am a loser.
     
  9. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Kassy, I have not suffered as much as you have. As your psychiatrist says you have suffered more than anyone she has ever met. That sounds very significant. I am sorry. really sorry !! i know what it feels like, from my perspective to think I am a loser. And yet, I know that is coming from a lot of wounding. I wonder how many of us who feel sui consider ourselves losers? I bet it is the majority. But I see it as huge tremendous pain from past. Messages that were given to me so often that I took them on as my truth. And now perpetuate them. So it is now I who calls myself all those bad things. It is now I who thinks of myself in those horrible ways. For me it is part of the illness which I suffer with.

    I just keep hoping for a miracle. Sometimes maybe thats all I have to hold on to. I do think that those miracles will happen for at least some of us. I just dont know if it will be me. But I am going to try my hardest to make sure i dont end that possibility. Even though the quality of life is so hard so far. I have felt, more than once, what its like to not have that shred of hope to hold on to. And I might feel it again. Its so painful.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 23, 2013
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