I am done.

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by LotusFlower, Apr 23, 2010.

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  1. LotusFlower

    LotusFlower Antiquities Friend

    I can't do this anymore. I can't live with my inlaws anymore. I am tired of living below the poverty line. I am tired of hurting so bad all the time. I am tired of memories and flashbacks, I am tired of it all. I don't want to hang in just one more day. Every day I have been taking more and more pills to sleep the day away. If I don't kill myself on purpose soon, it will be bound to happen by accedent with taking to many sleeping pills to sleep the day away. Everyday the option of dying is looking better and better. I can't cut deep enough or enough right now. I can burn myself bad enough or enough times. I really do try and see the good things in my life but I can't. I have no privacy, I am tired about hearing about my daughters temper from my inlaws or her mouth(she has ADHD, a LD and an impulse control problem) I am tired of trying to explain we are working with the professionals to help her and that it is a disability. I am tired of not being able to look at them and say I AM SICK. You can't see it but I am. I tried years ago they just don't get it. I hate my life. I don't want to hang in anymore. I don't want to see if things will be better tomorrow. THEY WON'T I will still wake up in this shit hole that is mylife. With my memories, and thought and self loathing. And it is all my fault we are where we are because I can't hold down a job. I don't want to live anymore. I never want to leave my room. Frig my husband wouldn't even let me shower unless he was in there to make sure I didn't kill myself in the bathroom. I am not going to tell him where my stash of meds and razors are. I won't go back to the hospital what is the point all they do is throw meds at you and see you for like five mins in the morning and declare you well enough to go home in 4 weeks sooner if you play the game. I AM SO DONE!
  2. lightbeam

    lightbeam Antiquities Friend

  3. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    I hear you.

    You're going through so much, and you're under so much pressure and you have every right to feel the way you do.

    You're sick and tired, you're suffering, and you're trying to let people know and they aren't hearing you.

    What is your therapist saying about all this, and is it possible to ask him/her about temporary accommodation away from your inlaws if they are effecting your health so badly? Do you have any friends you could stay with?
  4. LotusFlower

    LotusFlower Antiquities Friend

    I don't have any friends I could go stay with for a few days. Truth be told I don't really have any friends. My therapist thinks we need to get a place. I can't see past 5 mins from now. I am done. I love my daughter but and it may be selfish, and I am sorry if it is. But I can't do this. I just walked down stairs to go out for a smoke they have a bunch of people over and said you have to do the lunch dishes when we are all done. I didn't even eat lunch with them. I am tired of cleaning up after everyone. I am tired of cleaning the kitchen and doing the dishes and cleaning for everyone. I am tired of doing all that cleaning only to go back into the kitchen to find knives covered with peanut butter and jam all over the counter. I am tired of my husband saying that we can't move out until my bank account is out of the hole. THAT IS NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN. I am tired of not being heard. I am tired of having devote all my time to watching and taking care of my disabiled daughter only to be told I am not doing enough. That she is still nuts and off the wall. I am tired of acting like everything is okay to them and its not. I am tired of going to my husband help me I am in trouble and not being taking seriously. I have looked straight at him and said I am seriously thinking about killing myself to be told oh come on its not that bad. FUCK YOU. I have no one. What am I supposed to do at the end of the day I am still trapped in this life. I have no one who gets it in my life. Who I can look at and say I am in trouble and have them get it. I am tired of feeling like no one cares what I have to say. And even if they listen they don't hear. No one gives a shit about my opinion. No one cares that I feel trapped because they blame me for not being able to work.
  5. LotusFlower

    LotusFlower Antiquities Friend

    I just got asked why I seemed upset and before I could say anything I got told not to sweet the small stuff and stuff that makes you up set at 25, 30 doesn't matter when you are 50 or 60. So basically was just told what I am upset at doesn't matter. I never even got a chance to respond. Nobody gives a shit.
  6. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    LotusFlower FUCK THEM. ok?

    Get out of the place and go for a walk, and have some time for yourself, and like you yourself said fuck them, and let them rot. You're tired, you're on the edge, you're very unwell and you're screaming to be heard among people who only care for themselves and don't see you.

    Your posts have so much anger and energy and LIFE in them. You're struggling but you're wanting out.

    I'm so glad your therapists is wanting you to get out of that situation.
  7. red summer sun

    red summer sun New Member

    I agree - fuck them!

    My friend committed suicide last year, she was 21. Her family had just pushed and pushed her with insults, unsupportive behavior, etc. I know she could have said "fuck them" lived her life for HERSELF and things would have slowly gotten better.
  8. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hey you matter what you say matters and if they are not listening then go somewhere where they will listen. call crisis call hospital call your doctor and make them listen because in the end it is you that truly matters and truly deserve to feel better. Look at you daughter and hug her and know you have to stay strong not just for you but for her because you are her life now and she loves you no matter what she will always love you. For her get well okay get the supports in place call community resources and use them to get strong again I agree a place of your own with your daughter no one else to worry abt that would bring peace some peace anyways never give up okay just keep yelling until someone listens because you deserve the help and if it takes yelling then do it.
  9. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    How're you doing?
  10. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    agree absolutely...
    stay safe....:hug::flowers:
  11. LotusFlower

    LotusFlower Antiquities Friend

    So after fighting and yelling with my husband. Who hide my pills and razors, I went to the hospital. Having been there many times before and finding it not helpful at all ( I have been in and out since I was 11 I am 30 now) I agreed to go. Got there waited and lied. I told them that I was fine and not suicidel at all. That it was a huge misunderstanding that I was not going to talk to anyone there that I would rather talk to my worker on Monday who I trust. And without me telling him what has happend is only the second person in my life to ever say I believe you. My husband was furious with me for not telling the truth.
    I told him what is the point I go they throw more medications at me. Keep me for a couple of weeks and send me home. I said there is holes in the walls on the ward, people have written with black markers on the walls. You have no personal light. There is yelling and screaming, threats, etc. I said I end up a bigger stressed mess there. I have woken up with other patients standing over my bed at night. The nurses never leave there work area unless it is to give you your pills. If you need anything they tell you to go away. I hate the ward.
    I told my husband that I would hang on until Monday and talk to my worker. In our fight he said I was being selfish and I told him I thought he was being selfish for wanting me to just keep holding on one more day. That I think its cruel to excpect someone to keep hanging on who is in so much pain. Anyways it went on and on from there. I told him that when he was driving me home that I have done this enough that I know just what to say to keep from staying and that I would never go back to the ward ever.
  12. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I'm glad you're going to hold on till Monday and talk to your worker.....I also hope you will be totally honest with him so he can help you...
    have you tried talking to your husband with your worker present ?.
    then you could tell him without an argument how you feel and how important it is that you find your own place as soon as possible..
    take care.....I care..:hug:
  13. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    Yeah I agree.

    I completely hear you what you said about inpatient and being on a ward that makes you worse, and the uselessness of it all. It's the worst place if you dissociate the way you do, I've been through it myself.

    I know you don't want to carry on and the way you're feeling is normal. There is nothing wrong with you. It's the people around you making your life worse than it is, not hearing you, but there are people who WILL hear you, and your counsellor realising you need a new safe environment has heard you, please try and hang on to that knowledge, cos that is so important :hug:. Once you feel safe in your surroundings, you will feel better- I know you're under so much pressure, I can hear that, but right now it's about physical, peaceful safety, and that can be had, even if it's temporary, to get you feeling safer, stable and to see where you could go from there in terms of accommodation.
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