I am exhausted, tired of living.

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Jacob1973, Apr 24, 2011.

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  1. Jacob1973

    Jacob1973 Well-Known Member

    All I can think about all day long, and even in my dreams at night in my dreams, is dying and how to commit suicide! I cry myself to sleep, sleep way too much and then in the morning, cry again as I wake up and realize that I am still alive and have to repeat my sorrow all over again. I drag myself to work, work 12hrs all the while wishing I was dead. There is no joy, there is no hope, there is no more happiness in my life. I am simply tired of living and dont see any reason to continue the pain.

    I will never find love, never have kids, never see old age (maybe for the better). My best friend of over 15 years just told me that he's engaged to be married. I guess I am happy for him, but darn it, I wanted that in my life too! What I wouldnt do for a first time kiss from a pretty woman.

    My 38th birthday is in a few weeks and I am not looking forward to seeing that, nor do I want to.

    I think its about time to leave this world.. maybe very soon.... :cry:
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    hi jacob..you can still have all that. you're alive, while you're alive, you have hope. its not your time to leave the world.
  3. Chalmers

    Chalmers Well-Known Member

    I felt that way once. A friend got engaged and I thought I'd never get there. A year later at his wedding I was engaged. Been married 15 years now. That's what keeps me going now (and the unwillingness to leave my six year old fatherless). You never know what positive thing might happen tomorrow. I tell myself, I'll do one more day because I can always end things, but once it's over, you can't undo it obviously.
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Your door will open soon it will hang on okay hugs
  5. Jacob1973

    Jacob1973 Well-Known Member

    The doors of life have been slammed too many times in my face to count. I cant feel anything but that of defeat and I am tired of that feeling.
  6. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I know many doors have been slammed in my face too but i refused to let them stay slammed okay you don't know what door in the future will bring you kindness This door here is open okay for you anytime to talk to let the pain out You can be assured no one here will slam a door on you hugs
  7. champie

    champie Well-Known Member

    I'm right there with you Jacob, almost the same situation where I see friends getting all the things they want while it seems that I get further from anything resembling a satisfying life.

    I'm fighting the hopelessness by eliminating expectations that words like "should", "could" "want" impose. I think that willfulness distorts the world around us as we try to fit it to our expectations. I'll let you know if I reach enlightenment, but for now it hurts like hell to let the world tell me its truth instead of trying to form it to my wishes.

    I'd love to share other thoughts, but for now I just want to give you a hug of encouragement to find new vision.
  8. ExtreemWays

    ExtreemWays Active Member

    Hi Jacob1973,

    I've gone through very long periods of time (years) where suicide is on my mind every day. When it's bad, suicide is all I think about. When, where, and how. It's almost an obsession.

    I also hear you when you say that you will never have kids, never find love, never grow old. Exactly! I have similar thoughts.

    It's interesting because recently I had a good friend get married and you and I are almost the same age too.

    I imagine the twilight zone music playing right now.

    Anyway, people tell me to just hang in there and over time things will get better. They say to take my meds and give it some time.

    So, I guess all in all I figure it like this: I have my whole life to commit suicide. I can do it anytime I want. So what's my rush? Sounds weird to say but it's true.

    They say wait, they say give it some time. It's like, ok, I'll do all that and I'll see.

    I did see a doctor and he gave me some meds that do help me. They help even me out so that I don't have deep depressions or bad mania.

    Anyway, it sounds like you are pretty depressed right now.

    Have you seen a doctor about this?

    How high is your stress level right now?

  9. Jacob1973

    Jacob1973 Well-Known Member

    I really hurt almost every day. My stress level is always high because of my job is so intense. I work 12hr days and I have to keep my attention level very high to prevent injury or death of myself or my coworkers. Working around heavy equipment all day long does that to you. Surprisingly, even though I could do it at work, I am actually scared to death of the heavy machines at work. I dont want that slow, painful death.

    I saw a doc 2 years ago, and she said I should leave my profession. But I dont have a degree, and make 3 times the money on this job than I could elsewhere with my level of education. My mom has her masters in education and I make way more money than her. With this economy, I doubt I could find a job even paying half. So I simply bear my feelings everyday, and go to work.

    So between my lack of a private life, and a job that I hate, and myself having a horrible selfimage of my body and life in general, I am surprised I havnt tried to kill myself again in the past year or so.
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