I am fed up and disgusted with the world.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Alliance, May 6, 2009.

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  1. Alliance

    Alliance Well-Known Member

    I have an unhealthy hatred toward others and tend to isolate myself. I thought about this more tonight when a really hot girl asked if she was invading my space when her and a friend sat at the table next to mine at the coffee shop. It kind of makes me think of if my severe and chronic depression and heartache are that transparent. I wonder if people can tell that about me.

    I despise people and avoid them, yet I yearn for interaction. More than anything I wish I could get over the love of my life whom I haven't heard from for 6 years. Love is the only thing I need and want but can't have. Why do other people have love and happiness, but not me? It makes me sick to see girls my age having kids and families, but I don't. Other people get to experience joy and love, but those are only things I can dream about. Every day I grow more jaded, hateful, heartbroken and more emotionally traumatized; it keeps getting worse and worse. I'm too messed up to ever have a relationship.

    My father passed away 10 years ago, the love of my life threw me away 6 years ago (mostly due to long distance Japan - Pacific NW), and my grandmother passed away a month ago, who was the most important person in my life. I kinda feel bad because out of all those losing my ex hurt me the most.

    I am too ****ed in the head, emotionally and physically. I have let the loss of my ex completely devastate my very existence. I let it control and ruin me. After 6 years I know it's not going away. However, I don't know anymore whether it's the loss of her, or if my unhappiness is my loneliness. Why in the world should one keep on living if that person does not have a reason to? I'm unloved. I loathe the world. I'm in so much pain and dying emotionally on the inside. I hate people. I hate myself. Why shouldn't I protect myself from a lifetime of suffering? Why is that not an option? When is a life not worth living? Why didn't I have an option not to ever be born?

    I have tried to be realistic and come to accept the fact that I am destined to be alone forever. I am getting older and it is starting to catch up with me. More scars, wrinkles, and skin problems that keep getting worse. I used to be a pretty good looking guy too. More recent facial scars, wrinkles and eczema / rosacea problems I'm trying to deal with. I am overtly opinionated, meek, timid, yet arrogant and sometimes confident and cocky. I tend to use sarcasm and occasionally accidentally insult others with unthoughtful remarks, which never goes over well. Am I a ****ed up product as a result of this ****ed up society? Who is to blame? Am I ultimately to blame for this awful life of mine? I wish I had a time machine to undo my regrets and become a different person than I am today. I am overly self conscious and constantly worrying about what others think of me. I hide myself in my ipod and sunglasses to protect myself from unwanted interactions with human trash. I despise people and despise myself.

    I spend my time in isolation at home away from people by staying busy in my university studies and playing video games. I mean, who better than Link from Legend of Zelda to combat depression right? No, I know that video games aren't the answer, but they are good at ignoring my problems. I also love to sleep since that's when I have the least consciousness.

    I'm overtly pessimistic, jaded, bitter, very angry with God, although I'm atheist now. I always hurt inside and not sure whether it's hidden from people or not. I'm sick of every second of this life as constant pain and heartache. I hurt so bad on the inside like my heart physically hurts and feels like it has been eaten away. Every single day it gets worse and worse. It is not ever, and has not ever gotten better. I've tried exercising, keeping busy, etc. but might just be bad winter weather too. At least I'm going to Hawaii for 2 weeks next month to visit my brother whom I haven't seen for 7 years or ever met my nephew.

    Unfortunately I can never take a vacation away from myself. However, I hope that my vacation can give me a new perspective on things. But, for about 15 years I have known my fate and believe it to be inevitable. When, who knows? Once that point comes that I have decided I have had enough, although I have already. Why I go on, I don't know and feel that I don't have a reason to. Why am I unlovable?
    Last edited by a moderator: May 6, 2009
  2. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Have you ever seen a therapist?? If yes did you give it a real chance.. I was alot like you and still isolate myself. But after four years of therapy I can see the difference in me.. I have told her everything and she is very good about not pushing my buttons..Also keep posting here.. You will make new friends who are not judgemental.. I wish youi all the best!!!
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Like all of us you focus upon the weaknesses much more than the strengths and do not see that your upset, besides having a more chronic nature, also is the product of having had so many losses...maybe you can find some small things you do not hate about yourself and build from there...this may be the foundation for having a greater affinity for others...big hugs, J
  4. Angelo_91

    Angelo_91 Well-Known Member

    Sounds so much like me. Just living in a dream world, getting lost in the music. This planet wasn't made for me. They all live so easy. My home is in the void up there. I hate social situations, I feel I suffer from withdrawal of social situations, I am always left alone. It's like being exposed to something more something you hate, and then being left without it. We can't really ask for much, we're just victims of the game.
  5. pit

    pit Well-Known Member

    I can relate. I find it impossible to have a normal relationship with a woman. I keep to myself. Fuck others. I view life as a waiting room. Just looking at my watch waiting til it's time to expire.
  6. Alliance

    Alliance Well-Known Member

    Thanks for your replies. I apologize for rambling too much in my first post.
    I had a really terrible day today. I noticed it tends to happen with lack of sleep.

    Wow, I really hate people. Everywhere I turn I see more human garbage. No women worth my time. No one I can relate with. So many freaking dirty hippy / squatters, etc. and I cannot see why anyone would want to be like that.

    I hate society. I hate rules, norms, and other expectations placed on us solely on the fact that we are alive. Because we are born we must work, we must try to survive, we must follow the laws, and we have all these restrictions on us. Why must I do all these things just because I'm alive and a US citizen?

    All I ever wanted was love and happiness. I lost my love and so I lost my happiness. I lost a part of myself when I lost her. I even had a nightmare the other night that I found her in Japan and she basically told me to get lost or something. I haven't even thought about her much lately, but still have repeating dreams of rejection. I love her still but wish I didn't. I am now lost without love. I don't know if my sadness comes from the loss of her or just from being lonely. Now I hate people more so I keep more to myself, which makes me even more lonely. I always keep my barriers up with barb wire to keep people out.

    If any of you have ever seen the movie with Michael Douglas, "Falling Down", that's kinda how I feel.
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