I am fed up! I am just done.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Akai_Namida, Feb 8, 2016.

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  1. Akai_Namida

    Akai_Namida Member

    I don't know what else to do besides post here, even though it hardly helps when I do. I don't know what else I can do to change my situation and I'm just so angry and depressed I feel like I can't take it muc longer. Anyone who has read my previous posts knows I am almost 30 and living at home. I have been unable to find employment for months and the pressure is unbearable. My mother finally realized how much I've been self medicating because of it. I told her I do it because I'm stressed out and I get depressed almost every day. She asked me why I didn't say anything about it before. Really?! I have gone to her numerous times in he past about this and been dismissed or guilted into silence. She knows that! So I told her I felt like I just had to deal with this on my own. "Well how is THAT working for you?" Was the reply I got. My mom, the psychologist, making me feel like shit after telling me she'd rather IGNORE my depression than cope with being a "failure", because this is all about her, right? But I'm the idiot for keeping quiet about it this time? Well, she said she'd get me some help. That was three weeks ago. I'd do it myself if I had the resources, but I don't. I pretty much have nothing. She hasn't said anything about it since. When she asks me why I haven't filled out more job applications each day (as in, " Okay, you filled out ten, but why didnt you fill out twenty?" And I wish this was an exaggeration, mind you), I tell her I can't deal with the depression it causes because I'm so stressed. She dismisses me by saying I have nothing to be stressed about and smiling! This happened two days ago! I am tired of nothing I do being good enough. I get that I need a job. I get that she wants me out of the house before her husband comes home from prison so they can be alone (yes, I know...). I AM TRYING. But there's only so much that can be done when you have no phone or car or even a decent pair of shoes so you can walk around and fill out applications yourself. She knows I've been depressed all my life and that I GOT IT FROM HER. But why am I not good enough? Why is the mental strain on me a joke to her? Why is it even about her? She seems to think I'm not trying. What else am I supposed to do? This has been our dynamic for years, and I can't seem to get away. And she lets me know how my other family members are disappointed in me, like my aunt, whom I idolize. My only escape, my ONLY escape is the book I'm trying to write. I've been trying for eight years to write it because writing is the only thing I want out of life anymore. I kind of just want to finish this book and call it quits on life. There. Made my contribution. Now please let me die. But my family thinks I'm wasting my time. It's not productive. I'm never going to finish it. They don't say it but I feel it. I don't think I'm being paranoid. I've known these people for thirty years. And it's so heartbreaking. I'm a damn good writer, excluding what I've written in this post (and pardon the typos: I'm angry and using a tablet for this) . I have no other positive traits, but that is one thing I know I have. But my depression keeps me from doing it a lot. So when I finally get back to it, I almost feel like my family is rolling their eyes when I'm not looking. Just today, I was bitced at for working on my book instead of applying for jobs. Well, I did that too. It just makes my mother mad to see me doing anything else.
    I want to finish my book before I try anything, but the way things are going, I don't know how I can hold on much longer. Even when I do get a job, all my money will go to her. And then she will wonder why I haven't moved out. I am going crazy. Sorry if I sound erratic. I just needed someone to hear me right now before I lost my nerve.
    Thauoy likes this.
  2. Gergin

    Gergin Well-Known Member

    You are you and that's enough. We are the late bloomers. It might take some time to figure stuff out but at least you are trying. Just trust yourself.
  3. Akai_Namida

    Akai_Namida Member

    Thank you for saying that. I try to tell myself the same when things get like this, which is almost every day now. But hearing it from someone else every now and then helps me to remember its not just a "me" problem or all in my head. I appreciate the support.
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hiyas, have just read your post in full. I can relate, I'm nearly 27 and living at home still. I'm on disability for mental illness. I am sorry your mom and you are so chaotic around one another. Seems like a toxic environment. I know it can be hard living at home at our ages but if you can't find work there's nothing you can do really, could you apply for welfare for your disability? I don't have much advice but want you to know that you are not alone here and you can feel free to talk to me anytime you want, have faith in yourself keep writing that book. Even if it doesn't get published, it's a distraction for you, so keep doing it. ((big hugs))
  5. mei

    mei Active Member

    I might be too young to say these things but hear me out. I am sorry for what is happening to you, I'm sure it's hard. You'll pull yourself together and filling out those applications is a step towards getting your life on track. Don't worry and calm down. Try standing in the middle of your room to get your grounds. You'll be okay. Keep pushing and keep trying but never lose yourself in stress and hopelessness. Sometimes, our emotions cloud us so much that we forget where we are and that we are able to do things for ourselves. Write that book and just feel better. I hope that tomorrow will be a good day for you. (I used to write, I'd be happy to check your book if you want. Having people to read your work does wonders, I think, with how you feel about yourself.)
    Freya likes this.
  6. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    I wish there was more and better advice I could give you, I'm in a pretty similar situation with my own mother and family.

    But remember that you're your own person; your mother doesn't 'own' you anymore even if it can feel that way.
    You should do things on your own terms, you are already doing a good job of writing those 10 job applications! I'm proud of you for doing that, and you should be too.
    And good luck with your book! Some of the best books took a lifetime to write, age and time does wonders for a good book. So don't give up!
  7. sahel

    sahel SF Supporter

    I am glad about you wanting to write, it can be a good source of distraction and getting strength when things are not good, Don't let your arguments with your mom get through you, you know what you need and you are taking steps toward that direction, if your pace doesn't satisfy your mom, it's not your fault. You are doing great job applying for jobs and writing or any other hobbies you might have, is a treat that you definitely deserve it. :)
  8. Akai_Namida

    Akai_Namida Member

    Update, sort of: my brother took me to fill out applications this afternoon. He got angry with me when I forgot to bring my previous employment and reference info. I told him I didn't think about it, which is true-- I've been so depressed and distracted that I haven't been thinking clearly at ALL for I don't know how long. He told me I have to stop not thinking, with a condescending laugh. The same one our dad likes to do when he's disappointed in how we turned out. Then he couldn't figure out why I completely shut down and wouldn't talk when we were buying groceries. Then he got angry with me again and told me it was basically my problem I felt so bad. Maybe he's right. Maybe I'm just spoiled and stupid. But I don't care anymore. The point is I am not okay, and my family is acting like it doesn't matter to them. So I'm shutting myself off from them. I was in bed when my mother came home. I'm not talking to them anymore. About anything. It's childish as hell, but I am out of options. I've tried being open with them. But I'm done talking, done with no one caring. Whatever is going to happen to me is going to happen. If they don't care enough to help me now, I'm not going to give a shit about whether I live or die anymore. We are past all that. Let's see how long I last.
  9. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    No, your dad isn't right!

    Depression and stress makes you forgetful, and that is so annoying!

    Your family is being so insensitive with you, I am not trying to 'be on their side', I am totally on your side with this, just saying... but perhaps they have no idea what depression can do to a person? Would it help to have them read some articles about it?

    I'm sorry you're struggling so much, but I'm proud of you for still going out there and seeking a job at all. Kudos for that!
  10. Akai_Namida

    Akai_Namida Member

    I wish I could give them the benefit of the doubt like that, but I can't without lying to myself. Depression runs in the family, and my mother is a LPC who at one point had a particularly bad depression experience that resulted in me having to take care of my brothers for almost two years as a teenager. She is now taking antidepressants, good for her >_>. The problem is that my brothers know I have had depression for years and either do not care or think I am making it up. There is no convincing them otherwise because they think I am an idiot. No joke. If only you could hear how they talk to me. On the other hand, the problem with my mom is that even though she knows I have had depression for most of my life, unlike her, I haven't earned it. I didn't have an abusive childhood, I didn't have to go into foster care, I didn't marry a string of abusive men and I didn't spend my early adulthood working three jobs to support three kids I knew I shouldn't have had. But she did all that. So sehas the right to be depressed. But I better get it together and grow up. That's why I'm done with being understanding toward them. They don't do it for me, as selfish as I sound
  11. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    I'm sorry to hear that.

    Depression doesn't always have to hit people with difficult pasts, that's important to understand. Just because you did not have a past like your mother did it doesn't make your depression less real.

    I never want to advice people to give up on their own family, but perhaps it would be in your own benefit to stop listening to them.
    They aren't doing anything positive for you in your recovery, in fact it sounds like they are quite damaging to your progress.

    Still I am proud of you that you keep fighting, to be honest it's very few jobs I have even applied for the last year...
  12. Akai_Namida

    Akai_Namida Member

    I think that is what's so frustrating, knowing that depression can affect anyone, and knowing that my mother knows that too. It's all the more frustrating because she made a career out of this and still treats my condition so dismissively. But I think you're right about my family. We haven't necessarily had easy lives, even if they weren't as bad as my mother's was. Money has always been the main issue. I mean, we're in poverty. That's why my family's been so hardcore about my getting employed, which I understand. And that's why I get so upset about being hounded about not having a job, even though I'm trying. I have to make money to give to my mother like I have for the last decade, but I also have to save up and get the hell out of the house by April, so... That's been kind of tough. In any case, the financial situation has made things worse, and I think now, despite always saying family comes first and doing what we can for each other, we are just too toxic to be around each other anymore. So yes, I'm trying to get away, God I am. But things are so bad for us all that I don't think I ever really will
  13. Rambler

    Rambler Member

    Dear Lady,

    You are not alone. Ever. We are here for you during your struggles. You are not an idiot either. Sometimes, the pain one feel starts to outweigh the coping resources we use. Suicidal ideation and depression are very serious matters and should not be taken lightly. So not allow someone else to control how you feel - easier said than done, but very possible. I am not going to tell you to stop stressing out because if that were possible I think you would have done so by now. You are doing your best, don't forget it. You know it. Be strong. Don't allow someone else into making you think otherwise. You will find a job, don't give up. This post may not be of help, but the fact that you are reading it is good. It means that you have not completely given up.
  14. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    Sometimes healthcare professionals and people who work with mental illnesses struggle to see it in their own close relatives. I don't know why, but that often happens... they refuse to see the signs... (it's not the same but my mother was a caretaker by profession, she spent her life taking care of mentally and physically handicapped adults but couldn't care for her own daughter, and refuses to believe I'm actually handicapped because of my spine...)

    It's no excuse though, and like I said I hope you know I'm on your side here.

    It can hurt so bad when your own family treat you that way, you think they are supposed to love you and support you unconditionally...
    Money can really put a strain on people, gosh do I know that! But even if you're 'forced' to find work because of these circumstances I still think you're strong for searching for a job when you feel like this.
    Keep fighting!
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