I don't know what else to do besides post here, even though it hardly helps when I do. I don't know what else I can do to change my situation and I'm just so angry and depressed I feel like I can't take it muc longer. Anyone who has read my previous posts knows I am almost 30 and living at home. I have been unable to find employment for months and the pressure is unbearable. My mother finally realized how much I've been self medicating because of it. I told her I do it because I'm stressed out and I get depressed almost every day. She asked me why I didn't say anything about it before. Really?! I have gone to her numerous times in he past about this and been dismissed or guilted into silence. She knows that! So I told her I felt like I just had to deal with this on my own. "Well how is THAT working for you?" Was the reply I got. My mom, the psychologist, making me feel like shit after telling me she'd rather IGNORE my depression than cope with being a "failure", because this is all about her, right? But I'm the idiot for keeping quiet about it this time? Well, she said she'd get me some help. That was three weeks ago. I'd do it myself if I had the resources, but I don't. I pretty much have nothing. She hasn't said anything about it since. When she asks me why I haven't filled out more job applications each day (as in, " Okay, you filled out ten, but why didnt you fill out twenty?" And I wish this was an exaggeration, mind you), I tell her I can't deal with the depression it causes because I'm so stressed. She dismisses me by saying I have nothing to be stressed about and smiling! This happened two days ago! I am tired of nothing I do being good enough. I get that I need a job. I get that she wants me out of the house before her husband comes home from prison so they can be alone (yes, I know...). I AM TRYING. But there's only so much that can be done when you have no phone or car or even a decent pair of shoes so you can walk around and fill out applications yourself. She knows I've been depressed all my life and that I GOT IT FROM HER. But why am I not good enough? Why is the mental strain on me a joke to her? Why is it even about her? She seems to think I'm not trying. What else am I supposed to do? This has been our dynamic for years, and I can't seem to get away. And she lets me know how my other family members are disappointed in me, like my aunt, whom I idolize. My only escape, my ONLY escape is the book I'm trying to write. I've been trying for eight years to write it because writing is the only thing I want out of life anymore. I kind of just want to finish this book and call it quits on life. There. Made my contribution. Now please let me die. But my family thinks I'm wasting my time. It's not productive. I'm never going to finish it. They don't say it but I feel it. I don't think I'm being paranoid. I've known these people for thirty years. And it's so heartbreaking. I'm a damn good writer, excluding what I've written in this post (and pardon the typos: I'm angry and using a tablet for this) . I have no other positive traits, but that is one thing I know I have. But my depression keeps me from doing it a lot. So when I finally get back to it, I almost feel like my family is rolling their eyes when I'm not looking. Just today, I was bitced at for working on my book instead of applying for jobs. Well, I did that too. It just makes my mother mad to see me doing anything else. I want to finish my book before I try anything, but the way things are going, I don't know how I can hold on much longer. Even when I do get a job, all my money will go to her. And then she will wonder why I haven't moved out. I am going crazy. Sorry if I sound erratic. I just needed someone to hear me right now before I lost my nerve.