Discussion in 'Welcome' started by AllMyDreamsAreGone, Sep 2, 2016.

  1. For those of you that don't know my story - i was a totally normal human up until last summer when i ended up sleeping with my 23 year old daughter - conesnsually - i posted about it somewhere on here and received surprising replies. I lost everything and everyone in my life - i am 45 so not a young man anymore, and now find myself in a very awkward position. I fell in love recently with a lovely woman who has two children and quickly i realised i had to be honest - so i told her about me and my daughter. Initially she was shocked but understanding. Its hard to type and think of the right words but i am not a pedophile - I am paying for my actions in the most harsh way. She has just sent me 'the message' (dear john etc) because she was warming to me in a strong way but she says she cant trust me with her children. This poses the question - should i have been that honest with her and told her like i did? I am now all alone in this world - i have lost my family and friends. It's just all too much for me to handle. On Monday i am due back at work after a month off due to depression all caused by this mess. I need to clarify that my daughter has moved on and had a new relationship she is happy in. And has stressed to me that shit happens etc (she is very mature for her 23 years). I didnt meet her till she was 16, then didnt see her till i had to move in with her when she was 23 (i walked out on an ex) - things happened and here i find myself. I cant get it all out in one post but i am planning to end it all as i see myself as a burden on the world and feel i have nothing to contribute. Nobody apart from my family know about all this and i have found myself isolated from friends due to lack of contact due to my paranoia. This has not come out the way i would have wanted to explain but i feel i just HAVE to put something down in writing before i go. People will judge - people will misunderstand the gravity of what i've done but i just don't know where to turn. I am in UK and most of the posts on here it seems are from people in the US - I know this is a place to come to out my feelings but i really think my case is kind of unique. Please... any questions/support would be greatly appreciated because i am losing it hour by hour.

    Many thanks for reading
  2. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Welcome to the forum. We don't judge you and be reassured of that. It's a very difficult situation to comment on. You are not doubt at a very low point in your life and feel the people who looking at you know and judging you. The paranoia is something hard you have to deal with.

    No doubt there is a lot of regret of self-hate within yourself. You are thinking others are judging you but it's all the self-parnoria you are experiencing. The trauma is not nice to live with but you have to live with the self-guilt if you feel it. You must try to live on a day by day basis.

    I strongly recommend that you seek professional help on this matter or speak to the self-help group known as "Samaritans" who will help you day r night to get you through this crisis.

    You need to focus on preparing a day to day timetable where you are not isolating yourself. Keep yourself around people as isolation only increases the aniexty you feel.

    Are you taking medication?

    No doubt going back to work must be traumatic but don't worry as this can be phased in. You have to be strong as some days will be easy and other days it will be hard. You can survive but it's about dealing with situation on a day by day basis. I have been through a traumatic experience and I have survived.

    If I can survive two and half years to this day, so can YOU. I cannot comment on your personal situation as I think your need to speak to a therapist on a one to one basis.

    Keep posting as we care about anyone hurting whatever circumstances. Stay strong my friend and take care.
  3. IamTetsuo

    IamTetsuo Well-Known Member

    Well I don't know what kind of responses you recieved before, but I don't see that you've done anything wrong with your daughter. You are not a paedophile, that is someone who is attracted to younger children. There are a lot of taboos and stigmas in society that people like to get worked up about so try to distance yourself from all that conditioning. You committed a consensual act with another adult; it's unusual yes, but not immoral on the face of it from my point of view. Now, you have told your new partner and I think that's a good idea but whether you should have or not is now irrelevant so try to manage the situation for the best. Try to talk to her, respect her feelings and fears about it and try not to get in the position of defending yourself over it (defensive signals can cause people to want to attack us).

    It sounds like you have a great daughter so try to spend some time with her and move on with her, see that you have a positive relationship beyond this event. It sounds like you have a lot of guilt about it so it might help to clear your mind. I hope that everything clears up for you.

    I'm interested, how do you feel about what happened?
  4. First of all may i say thank you for the replies - I have registered myself on a councilling program but i am 10 weeks into a 17 week (?) wait for it.

    I have no contact with my daughter whatsoever due to the stigma of it - I am falling apart and feel i will die alone
  5. This is the exact text I received from my girlfriend. If that's the right term for her.......

    Enjoy yr nite....I'm not gunna ring or text u, I feel like this is cowards way out but I can't do this.
    How cud I have a relationship wi someone when the sex is great but I wouldn't trust u wi my children.....my heads been up my arse but it's clear now an I'm sorry to do it this way but I can't keep pretending I don't know, I do an it's constantly in my mind, it makes my stomach turn.
    Pls dont send me stupid self harm pics or anything else cos I'll have to block u or change my number cos guilt isn't gunna change anything
    Wish that things were different but cant change the past.
    Take care pls an hope u understand x"

    I fucking loved her
  6. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Hey there, I'm sorry you're going through this and it's effecting you so negatively. Cut yourself some slack, you've punished yourself enough. I'm sure this happens a lot these days with teen pregnancies being higher than ever and adoption etc. You're not a peodiphile and I'm sure your lady friend has no reason to fear for her children, unfortunately she has made that decision. Please hold on to life and give yourself some time to heal. You've punished yourself more than enough, this situation could happen to anyone and those who judge you have no right. Take care my friend.
  7. this has me in floods of tears
    Brian777 likes this.
  8. brian - that meant your post
    Brian777 likes this.
  9. IamTetsuo

    IamTetsuo Well-Known Member

    I don't understand why she feels that you can't be trusted around her children or what turns her stomach?

    Like other people are saying, try to alleviate your guilt and the need to punish yourself. Forget what everyone around you thinks, what do you think, is it wrong in your mind?
  10. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    You have to stay away from your girlfriend as the hurt is very raw. You both need time apart even though you are very emotionally stressed out. You cry because of the rejection from her. You know you did wrong and are very sorry about it.

    Remember it's not all your fault as it takes two to tango in the situation. You are not to blame but your girlfriend is being a protective mother which you totally understand. You got to be strong and not resort to drink, self harm or drugs as that will increase the aniexty. Is there any way where you get away from your current location. A change of scenery will be better in the current situation until you can get you own head straight.

    I would strongly suggest that you text back to your girlfriend simply a one liner.

    I understand and respect your decision. I will keep away. Take care. X
    lillium and IamTetsuo like this.
  11. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Showing that you respect her and keeping away will leave channels open. You respected her decision even though the love and care you have for her will always be there everyday. It's going to take time to get over a relationship but respecting her wishes will should show her you have a level of maturity. I know you are crying you heart out but you can get through it. Perhaps in a year's time you could make contact but only as a friend. The struggle ahead is going to hard especially as Christmas is coming soon. We are here for you as you have no need to struggle alone.

    I trying to be realistic and If I caused any unnecessary duress, I am very sorry. You are hurting and we can help. The struggle is going to hard but you get through it. Please keep posting as we will give all the support you need. We understand you pain.

    Take care my friend.
  12. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Hey my friend, just know that you are not alone in your pain, nobody here will judge you. We'll help and support you as much as we can, but I'm sure you know that now. We all suffer here and understand the pain you feel......you're no longer alone brother.
  13. calvinandhobbs

    calvinandhobbs Well-Known Member

    It is not up to me to judge. I know the feeling of wanting to die and am saddend for anyone who feels that way. The people here are amazing. Let them help you.
  14. Deety

    Deety Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry you are having such a difficult time. Genetic Sexual Attraction is reported between approx 50% of genetic relatives who meet as adults. This does not make you a pedophile, and it seems unfair your ex would feel you are a danger to her children. However, you can not control her thought or reactions, so you will need to work on accepting your own feelings and reaction to her decision. You still have a future, you can get through this. Please take care and let us know how you are doing. I want to know you are safe.
  15. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    "This poses the question - should i have been that honest with her and told her like i did?"

    You were not charged with a crime and it was not outed in a public way that leaves it likely to be "found out" I am presuming (the relationship with daughter). Your "defense" (and I am not implying you needed defend your actions anyway) is that you were both consensual adults so aside from the gossipy lurid details was simply a short term relationship.

    So why/what did you think you had to be honest about? Do you feel compelled to discuss every woman you ever had sex with anybody you become serious with? Presuming there have been others , do you feel need to "be honest" and discuss/disclose all past sexual relations? The issue here is, firstly, talking about sex with another woman is never going to be a good topic with somebody you are newly falling in love with. Second- you did not want to be honest for her benefit- you wanted (on at least some level) to "test her" and see if she would accept you and if she could deal with the issue causing you pain/shame - essentially to lessen your burden by adding it to hers. You are not disclosing an ongoing relationship you intend to continue, or something that will in any way affect your future with her (unless you believe you intend to sleep with future daughters as well or go back to sleeping with your own while in a relationship with this woman). I am not trying to be rude at all- but the disclosing of that was all about you and not about her- and sadly it got the result that maybe some self destructive piece of you wanted and now understandably regrets. The real simple fact is though, if it were as simple as 2 adults having consensual sex even though there were some awkward titles you would never have felt inclined to "be honest" - the act of telling her makes clear from her point of view that it was more to you or will continue to be either an issue or a risk for a long time if you are willing to risk your relationship over having to tell her.

    Bottom line- history/ the past should become history and the past. So long as you keep making it "current" and "now" you will continue to have problems. If you are having problems dealing with guilt over what happened - talk to a counselor- talk here maybe. But I would really advise you consider the reason you decide to talk about "bad things" with people you are close to in real life and determine if telling them is for their benefit or for yours and if it is just for your benefit is it reasonable to ask them to share a burden that they had no part in ? It is not "being honest", it is just to try to make yourself feel better about something and you need to decide if trying to make yourself feel better about something is worth hurting or adding to another person's burden as well as be prepared for the potential results if they decide it was either too much burden for them to feel like carrying and continuing to carry with you.
    Petal and Frances M like this.
  16. Thank you all for your replies and kind words - I return to work tomorrow (Monday) after over a month off due to anxiety and depression brought on by the break up of the latest relationship. But to be honest i am not ready for it, but have to otherwise i will be evicted from my flat/apartment. It's going to be a hard night trying to sleep because after so long not being at work (and zero contact from my work) i have massive worries that i am going to be walking into work tomorrow, only to be sacked for being off (i know they can't do this as i have been on a medical certificate but i still have the worries) - I have tried three times now to sleep, only to get back up and try and find things to do to relax me enough to sleep. At the moment i am not feeling suicidal but extremely stressed. If i can get through tomorrow and get back to doing my job, i look forward to posting on here when i return on Monday evening. I have these visions of getting called into a room and being told i have no job to come back to. And this is where the problem is. I have piled so much thought on getting back to work that i haven't thought what i will do if this happens. All i can see is maybe doing something that will get me sectioned so i dont have to worry about money/flat/food/fuel for car etc. I am so scared right now.
  17. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi, can you get a phased return to work but explain to your colleagues you had a relationship breakdown providing that they have never met your relationship friend. The only reason is that they do not find out about the facts or real reasons.

    I suggest that you play some soft nellow music now, close your eyes and breath carefully. Some shut eye is better than drinking black coffee. You will need to hold up head strong tomorrow and try to fake it through the day. Try to act confident as others will suspect something wrong.

    Raid the stationary cupboard for an elastic band and when you feel nervous or down, pull on it so that the sting from the elastic band will bring you focus. Simple technique but it works. You will be very paranoid about others but ignore that as that's your own brain in full on mode. There is nothing to worry about if they have don't know. You are being very harsh on yourself.

    At lunchtime, go for a walk to clear you head so you refocus on your job in the afternoon. Ok, people will ask what happened, just say you had a bout of depression. It's nothing to be ashamed off as it very common in the current climate and your employers will support you if they are decent.

    No one will know what happened as it's the last thing your last relationship friend would want the public to know as she wants to protect her daughter. I strongly suggest that you try to fake it, knowing you are hurting inside.

    The isolation and over-thinking is causing you to feel like this. I know, as I have experienced it myself which is not nice.

    If you are emotionally hurting, then ask for a phased return which will be understand. Everyone will be all over you asking how you are? It will be for geninue concern and for others to have a good old office gossip.

    Remember it's not just money that makes the world go round, but also a good old gossip.

    I hope this posts helps and we wil look forward from hearing from you tomorrow. It won't be that bad.

    Lastly, If you colleagues ask you to for a drink after work, go, have one drink and leave stating its being a long day.

    Take care and less worrying now. :)
  18. Thank you for your reply - I certianly wont be going for a drink as i do not touch alcohol anymore - The first day is always going to be hard - its just trying to get sleep so i will be fresh headed in the morning that is the problem. Thank you for your support and advice. I will hopefully be posting on here tomorrow with a better outlook.
    Deety likes this.
  19. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Your welcome. I hope you had a good day.
  20. Well - i am still here - done a whole week at work - my return after a month off was hard but not impossible. Here i am, sat alone in my place - mixed feelings - Drank a bottle of red wine but that has done nothing to ease the thoughts of despair - It's helped me post on here though. I want to thank the people who've helped me with words of encouragement. One day at a time folks x
    Deety likes this.