I am going to change -- Commitment blog

Discussion in 'The Coffee House' started by ravens, Aug 9, 2013.

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  1. ravens

    ravens Life is good.

    I am going to completely change my life. It will be in small steps, and it will definitely take time, lots of it, but I am going to do this. I have to. There will be setbacks, ups and downs, but I am going to do this. I am tired of feeling sorry for myself, for my bad knees, my anxiety, loneliness and general empty feeling due to underachieving. It has gotten me nowhere. I am tired of feeling that Im not good enough. Deep down I know I am. I just have trouble believing in myself these days. Im 21 years old and I dont want to live with regret anymore. Regret of missed opportunities, experiences.

    Really, this process has already started. 1 month 4 days ago, I finally was able to quit weed again. I first wanted to quit weed in december of 2012 but it took me a long time to commit and had a few relapses. I used to smoke everyday and was content with just being numb and not doing anything really but going for a drive late at night sitting in my car alone listening to music and blazing. My friends would invite me out, and I would avoid them most of the time. I still am avoiding them because my life has truly been in a rut for years, but I will take small steps. I will need to learn to deal with my social anxiety, a lot of the time this is why I dont go out. One step at a time.

    Some of my future goals: To go back to school this fall, and not drop out this time to get high. To make some friends hopefully while im there so I have more than a select few. To maybe get a girlfriend one day if its right to be. To rehab my knees as best I can, hopefully to be able to do sports again. To learn to play the guitar. To stop avoiding social gatherings.

    I havent felt strongly suicidal in a few weeks now, more just depressed lately and I really hope I do not feel that way ever again. I have had some sense of hope lately, but have not been acting on it, which is why I hope this blog helps me commit to taking action to change. I have to work for it if I want to get anywhere.

    So this weeks goals are:
    -Get off that damn nicotine. This is a priority. I have been saying to myself for days in a row, this is the last day I will smoke, but by evening of the next day I would go buy more. I have to stop this madness right now. I hate every time I used to lite up but would still do it. If I can get a few days under my belt I need to hold onto this quit with my life.
    -Start drinking more water like I used to. I want to change my diet also but for now I will be happy to drink more water.
    -Start drawing/reading again

    I really hope this will help me commit to bettering myself. The first big step for me was quitting weed as it was a big part of my life before. I have to ball rolling, just need to take advantage of the momentum now.
  2. FreedomSought

    FreedomSought New Member

    Hey ravens, I really appreciate your blog post as a whole. Underachieving as you mentioned is something that holds true in my life as well as a result of my depressive phases, as well as addictive behaviors. I am fortunate to have had some periods of life with a high level of engagement and productivity. I also have had my share of depressions though, where life kinda landslides backwards. That's where I've been for a long time now.

    I quit weed (again) on 7-29-2013. Actually, I didn't think I was quitting - I just managed not to smoke for a day, and called it a T-break. But day by day I just started finding bits and pieces of myself and my emotions start to come back. And I didn't feel so obsessed with smoking. I have quit for 60 days 3 times since starting. Other time's I have taken a month off, planning to smoke on day 30 for a massive high though, so I really need to learn one day at a time.

    Your post was so inspiring to me that I'm going to start a blog too. I just read http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/grief.htm and it really helped put my addictions in perspective to my life as a whole. Just quitting weed never seemed like a big deal to me, but I put so much energy into just quitting that I forgot to really dig deeper. not to put too much pressure on you or on myself but there's a lot of optimism in me after reading that which I didn't have before. I feel understood.
  3. meaningless-vessel

    meaningless-vessel Well-Known Member

    Setting Goals. Always worth it when aiming for stuff in life.

    Glad to hear something positive :)
  4. ravens

    ravens Life is good.

    Thank you Fightingthetide! I know there will be some days I will probably be very negative in here, but I am going to do my best to learn to think more positively.

    Im glad I could help Freedomsought. Yes it seems the longer we stay in these rut periods in our life the harder it is to get out, but it is doable. Im happy to hear you have quit smoking(for good?). I know for myself I am either a smoker or a non smoker when it comes to weed. I have tried moderation and it is not possible with my impulsive tendencies. It would work for a while then surely soon enough I would be back to daily smoking. If I could do it once a year I would probably take that but I know it is a fantasy that will never happen for me so I plan to never again.

    I can so relate to the digging deeper than just quitting weed comment you made, you have no idea lol. At first when I quit I thought after a month or so my life would be perfect. Well sure enough I learned its not as easy as that. What quitting is allowing me to do though is start to work on the other areas of my life because I sure as hell couldnt do that when I was in a haze everyday. Dont pressure yourself Im sure we will both have setbacks but we just gotta stick with it.

    So for today I am doing okay so far. I havent caved and bought any tobacco and I am going to call my school to get my classes set up for the fall right after this. Later tonight when I know I will be craving a smoke like mad I plan to sketch a picture to keep myself busy.
  5. meaningless-vessel

    meaningless-vessel Well-Known Member

    Relapses happen. It's more common than going cold turkey and succeeding. But it's inspiring to hear a positive attitude.

    And yes, it's not just what it seems, it generally is harder to overcome the more a rut is deepened, but who else really can do it for us?
  6. Mr Stewart

    Mr Stewart Well-Known Member

    This is good to hear, ravens. I wish you best of luck in making small manageable steps towards improving your life. It can be done, but must be slow, must be at a pace that you can sustain over time so as to minimize the risk of relapses. But of course relapses will happen, they do to us all, the goal there is to keep the relapse brief and get back on track as soon as able. :)
  7. ravens

    ravens Life is good.

    Thanks guys. I relapsed on cigs..just now. I am so tired of being a god damn drug addict. Everytime I lite up I think 'does this make you feel any better? no'. I usually give in when I start thinking about my knees and get depressed.. I wish I could run again so bad, but then I know smoking will only slow the possibility that they will heal, it definitely wont help my body heal. I just miss being active so much. Im only 21 and 8 months ago although I was a smoker I would exercise at minimum 4 times a week, to now limping around in chronic pain. I look at all the other people my age, going for runs, playing sports, it gets me so down. That used to be me, I miss those days so much. Then I start thinking of how crappy the relationship I have with my family is, we barely communicate and I feel depressed just being around them for some reason. My sister was the most 'adjusted' person in our family and she moved out. I cant blame her. I would want out of this depressing house to, our depression rubs off on eachother. My brother has asperbergers syndrome and we never talk while living in the same house. I didnt go out for diner with my parent tonight because I have nothing to say, I would just eat with them waiting to get home and back to my room to be alone so I just dont go. /pathetic rant.

    Will try to quit again tomorrow. I am NOT giving up until I make this. Other than that today has been good I booked an appointment with a highly recommended sports chiropractor for tuesday in my last hope to avoid surgery because this specific surgery does not have a high success rate in getting people active again. Also next week I will know the date for my first therapy session of my life so I cant blab about some of this stuff to him instead of on here. I am nervous about going and actually letting my thoughts out to someone in person instead of anonymously online. Well I will only truly open up if I find I like him/her not sure who it is yet. If I dont like them I will not be able to open up. Anyways going to pick myself up again tomorrow and keep trying to get better.
  8. meaningless-vessel

    meaningless-vessel Well-Known Member

    Is there anything in particular that's caused the chronic pain?

    And as for the therapy - if you struggle to actively talk and prefer writing, maybe jot down a few pointers to jog your memory - or even write down what you think/feel - and what you want to achieve short-term, and long term. It'd give a little insight for the therapist to work from.

    Hope it goes well.
  9. ravens

    ravens Life is good.

    Yeah thats a good idea I think ill jot down some of the main things I want to talk about. If I find I like the person it shouldnt be too hard to talk, but a new experience none the less. If i dont like them I guess I gotta find another one.

    For my knee it is patellar tracking issues. My knees make grinding noises when I extend them. My one side Im confident will be fixed with physio its my right knee im more worried about because it hurts right from when I wake up. Hopefully the chiropractor can find which muscles are tight and need to be strengthened. A lot of more modern studies have shown that the patella actually is in good place but it is the femur bone that twists while bending the knee, so hopefully stretching/strengthening the right hip muscles can fix this. Im really excited to see this Dr even if it doesnt get me completely better any relief would be good for now.
  10. meaningless-vessel

    meaningless-vessel Well-Known Member

    I wonder how its going with you for now? You seem to be heading in the right direction at least :)
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