I am going to completely change my life. It will be in small steps, and it will definitely take time, lots of it, but I am going to do this. I have to. There will be setbacks, ups and downs, but I am going to do this. I am tired of feeling sorry for myself, for my bad knees, my anxiety, loneliness and general empty feeling due to underachieving. It has gotten me nowhere. I am tired of feeling that Im not good enough. Deep down I know I am. I just have trouble believing in myself these days. Im 21 years old and I dont want to live with regret anymore. Regret of missed opportunities, experiences. Really, this process has already started. 1 month 4 days ago, I finally was able to quit weed again. I first wanted to quit weed in december of 2012 but it took me a long time to commit and had a few relapses. I used to smoke everyday and was content with just being numb and not doing anything really but going for a drive late at night sitting in my car alone listening to music and blazing. My friends would invite me out, and I would avoid them most of the time. I still am avoiding them because my life has truly been in a rut for years, but I will take small steps. I will need to learn to deal with my social anxiety, a lot of the time this is why I dont go out. One step at a time. Some of my future goals: To go back to school this fall, and not drop out this time to get high. To make some friends hopefully while im there so I have more than a select few. To maybe get a girlfriend one day if its right to be. To rehab my knees as best I can, hopefully to be able to do sports again. To learn to play the guitar. To stop avoiding social gatherings. I havent felt strongly suicidal in a few weeks now, more just depressed lately and I really hope I do not feel that way ever again. I have had some sense of hope lately, but have not been acting on it, which is why I hope this blog helps me commit to taking action to change. I have to work for it if I want to get anywhere. So this weeks goals are: -Get off that damn nicotine. This is a priority. I have been saying to myself for days in a row, this is the last day I will smoke, but by evening of the next day I would go buy more. I have to stop this madness right now. I hate every time I used to lite up but would still do it. If I can get a few days under my belt I need to hold onto this quit with my life. -Start drinking more water like I used to. I want to change my diet also but for now I will be happy to drink more water. -Start drawing/reading again I really hope this will help me commit to bettering myself. The first big step for me was quitting weed as it was a big part of my life before. I have to ball rolling, just need to take advantage of the momentum now.