I am going to kill myself if I am not able to find out for sure if he's in drugs.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by AsphyxiateOnMisery, Mar 17, 2012.

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  1. AsphyxiateOnMisery

    AsphyxiateOnMisery Well-Known Member

    On drugs*** rather. Sorry for typo.

    He goes to therapy and gets drug tested once a week. I had the mindset that I could be there when they tell him the results or that he will bring some type of proof (a paper or whatever) signed or stamped by one of the staff to prove his results. He apparently thought that he would just come home and tell me "oh yeah it was clean" and for his word to be enough. I don't fucking think so. Not after all the times he's lied to me. I need proof. And if I don't get proof I can and will do some significant/permanent damage to myself with. I am not going to live this way anymore, not knowing whether or not he's on heroin. And since I can't leave him (I've tried and failed at that multiple times already) I swear I am going to attempt suicide if this problem doesn't somehow get fixed. Today I just got high because I am furious and had a fit and went walking to calm down. Tomorrow, if this shit continues, I am ending my pathetic, miserable life.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 5, 2012
  2. AsphyxiateOnMisery

    AsphyxiateOnMisery Well-Known Member

    So, as it turned out, I have no clue how many pins I was high and my memory completely went down the toilet. All I know is, from counting how many are in the bottle, that either the pharmacy miscounted the total amount they gave me, my fiance took from my bottle than I knew about, and just don't remember doing it, because 3 were missing. I ended up passing out completely about 8 or 9 at night, which is unusual for me. But then, around 1:30 AM or so I woke up and could not get back to sleep. And so, I took some OTC meds for sleep, decided to stay on the internet until I fell asleep.

    As for my fiance, when I told him about my sleep problem, he said "Stop talking and just leave me alone." And so, I have decided to do just that. Permanently, that is. By just offing myself. Not tonight, but I am getting ready to find a way to make my other plan that I have found to be full proof and painless into action (not the pins and vodka one). Only thing is that it costs for that plan, but I am pretty confident in my ability to do so. I applied for credit cards today, and if I don't get approved for those I have other methods in mind of obtaining the money.

    The drug test test thing did get solved by the way, mostly due to my own ideas. It wasn't 50/50 of a conversation where both people provide input to fix the problem. It was just me saying "OK, I can deal with this, if you do this." And he was like "Ok". But I did the work in fixing it. As usual. He doesn't give a flying fuck. When I came home from my walk and said we need to fix the problem we had, he said "what's there to fix?" A clueless, inconsiderate, selfish bastard is what he is.

    But honestly, if my family acts like total pricks all the time, I have no friends, and even my fiance tells me to "leave him alone" when I need comfort and cant sleep, what reason do I possibly have to live? None.

    Only thing is that, yes, I am admittedly scared to commit suicide. They make you not give a shit about anything.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 5, 2012
  3. JillianE

    JillianE Member

    Hey,

    Maybe you should ask yourself what reasons are there to commit suicide. Do you strongly believe that a person is worth that, especially since they don't give a fuck on your needs? My opinion is that no one, no matter who they are, are worth your life. I understand that you probably love this guy so much that you could die for him, but remember that no one is that important.
    Just think of the things you still have to do. Don't you have some childhood or teenage dreams that you haven't fullfilled yet? For all I see, you need to find some reasons to live. You say you have no friends, and I believe you. I also feel the sadness in this message, and in the way you wrote it. There was a time when I was all alone too, and I also planned on commiting suicide. My reasons were different, but my opinion was the same: that I had no reason at all. Then, I realized that nothing's worth it. So please, at least for your own pride and self esteem, don't let life take you down. And remember that love should bring you happiness. If it doesn't, then it's no good for you.
    I hope my message helped, at least a little bit. And if you ever need some advice, or at least experience sharing, please feel free to message me. I'm here :) Hugs and please, try to hold on
     
  4. AsphyxiateOnMisery

    AsphyxiateOnMisery Well-Known Member

    1. I do not have, nor will I ever have, any sort of decent relationship with my family. My mom is the only person who cares about me, but she doesn't understand how much I am suffering. I have tried numerous times to reach out to her for help, but she didn't do anything to help me, because she doesn't understand. And the rest of them are just a bunch of pricks who criticize me and make fun of me.

    2. I literally have no friends. All I have/had is a few people to talk to online. Now, I don't even talk to them anymore because what's the point? They can't help me or give me a reason to live.

    3. I have failed at everything I have ever attempted in my life. Quit high school and had to get a GED, quit college and technical school multiple times, quit numerous jobs. Most of this was due to social anxiety. I did however go back to college and may graduate after this summer, but only with an associate's. And who the hell needs someone with an associates degree? Nobody. And even if they did, it's not like the job I got would be the least emotionally or financially fulfulling.

    4. I can't do things that normal people can do, such as live on my own, learn to drive, get a car, keep a stable job...and I'm 22, 23 in 4 months.

    5. Besides getting criticized all the time, and having to live with absolutely no social skills whatsoever, I also have Borderline Personality Disorder (which makes my life hell), and am involved in a relationship with a heroin addict, who won't stop using and lying, and whom I cannot get away from.

    6. I don't like people at all, or dealing with people. Everything that humanity seems to find pleasing and worth living for, I don't. I don't see any reason at all to want to stick around. And I don't see that changing anytime soon or getting better.

    So, those are my reasons.

    No, but like I said, I have BPD and cannot get away.

    Yes, and if I had enough money to fulfill them, I would. I would still kill myself afterwards, though.

    I don't have any pride or self-esteem.
     
  5. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    It may be difficult for you to have expectations for your partner not to abuse drugs when you follow up by stating that you are abusing same yourself. Often, setting example is a stronger argument support. You state that nobody wants someone with just an Associate's Degree, which is incorrect. I managed to climb to a senior management position with a Fortune 500 company at one time and have no degree at all. Degrees are fantastic and you should work toward achieving that, but it is in the end nothing more than just a piece of paper. Anything worth having requires fighting for. I wish life was easy, but it is not. Even for those of us who spend our time trying to convince complete strangers that their life is worth saving, we have issues to overcome ourselves and battles to be won. It's a struggle every day for everybody. Perhaps that is what makes living worth living. If we do not have goals set that require work to achieve, we would become complacent and develop similar reverse issues. If your relationship is with someone who has issues that are affecting you, then move on from it. Accepting abuse without taking corrective action is inviting in depression.

    If my reply sounds harsh, hard, or uncaring... consider that it is not. I am not here posting for my own pleasure. I have a genuine concern for other people - you too. I am a total stranger, and yet I care. Imagine what surrounding yourself with other caring people could do to help resolve some gloom? It takes strength and while I know it's hard to find it, we all have been given at birth an equal share. Sometimes what I like to do when I am down is look around at people who have lesser opportunity due to things they cannot change. I have volunteered to help at the Special Olympics multiple years and have worked closely with kids who suffer many restraining handicaps; things each of us can probably not even imagine if they were inflictions upon ourselves. To watch these kids with crutches, wheel chairs, seeing eye dogs, and etc., work hard and fight to just run a lap around a football field... or to toss a ball three feet... one learns quickly that we are each blessed in our own way and that only we can bring change to ourselves.

    I hope you manage to find that within yourself, somehow.
     
  6. AsphyxiateOnMisery

    AsphyxiateOnMisery Well-Known Member

    I felt so shitty today that I offered to do H with him together. For the first time ever, I was the one who decided I wanted to get high. I dont know if that means I'm mentally addicted to it somewhat too, or if I'm just an idiot. Either way, I gave him the money, he went out and got it and we shared it.

    I can't believe that I ended up condoning and even giving him the idea to do the same thing that I initially kicked him out of the house for. He stopped for a week and I made him do it again. Now if he binges again it will be completely my own fault.

    I didn't mean to bring him down in this way...I feel so terrible. The reason I wanted to do H in the first place though was because he hurt my feelings and upset me quite a bit when he told me not to talk to him and that my questions were annoying (all I did was ask why his stomach hurt) and to just leave him alone. And not once did he even ask to hold me or hug me or kiss me. So I felt like total shit.

    I'm tired of just taking it day by day when it comes to finding ways to stay stable and functional when people upset me. There just aren't enough ways. Or drugs...

    I am extremely suicidal though. Spent about 2-3 hrs last night doing research to figure out exactly what I needed. And I technically have the money now too. And why not, I mean I have nobody to support me really. Only things holding me back are my mom because I don't want to cause her heartache. Even though she's not very helpful with emotional support at least she tries...in her own way, and I still love her to death. And my two pet ferrets whom I both love very very much. I really don't want to leave them alone. I would feel so terrible about that if I were to do it. They love me and they're completely innocent. I would of course write a letter to my mother asking her to please take care of them and not ever give them up to a shelter or anything if I were to do it. But I don't want to leave them alone. They're my little babies :(

    I have absolutely no idea about what is going to become of me in the future. It would be so much easier if everyone just didn't give a shit about me.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 5, 2012
  7. JillianE

    JillianE Member

    Hey, tell me if I'm wrong but, for all I can see, you're scared, and you seem to have found something to hang on to. From my experience, even if you tried, your countiousness would stay in your way. Even though you won't care, regret would only make the end more painful. I agree that what you did was a complete mistake, and I really think you know that. But you do not need to blame yourself for that. Think that your guy wouldn't have accepted it if he really wanted to quit. I understand why you did it though: was it an attempt to escape from reality?
    But from what you're written, it seems to me that you don't really want to die. You know, once I've read something about suicidal behaviour. It said that most people commiting suicide don't want to die, they just want to start all over again. This would be your case too, from all I can figure out. Now, I don't know you, so I can't be sure, but that's what I feel it is.
    I searched for some info on BPD. They say psychotherapy is good, because it gives you the oportunity to talk about the present problems, and the past ones. http://www.stanford.edu/~corelli/borderline.html look, read this, maybe it will help you in some way.
    Anyway, my opinion is that you need to have some will. Reasons to live won't come along if you tell yourself there's none. Keep telling yourself that you'll find a reason, and it will come along. There are few things you can't fight against in this world, this horrible world we live in. But this is not one of them.
    You also said you couldn't stand people. I can't neither, but we might have different reasons. Would you mind if I asked why is that?
     
  8. JillianE

    JillianE Member

    Hey, tell me if I'm wrong but, for all I can see, you're scared, and you seem to have found something to hang on to. From my experience, even if you tried, your countiousness would stay in your way. Even though you won't care, regret would only make the end more painful. I agree that what you did was a complete mistake, and I really think you know that. But you do not need to blame yourself for that. Think that your guy wouldn't have accepted it if he really wanted to quit. I understand why you did it though: was it an attempt to escape from reality?
    But from what you're written, it seems to me that you don't really want to die. You know, once I've read something about suicidal behaviour. It said that most people commiting suicide don't want to die, they just want to start all over again. This would be your case too, from all I can figure out. Now, I don't know you, so I can't be sure, but that's what I feel it is.
    I searched for some info on BPD. They say psychotherapy is good, because it gives you the oportunity to talk about the present problems, and the past ones. http://www.stanford.edu/~corelli/borderline.html look, read this, maybe it will help you in some way.
    Anyway, my opinion is that you need to have some will. Reasons to live won't come along if you tell yourself there's none. Keep telling yourself that you'll find a reason, and it will come along. There are few things you can't fight against in this world, this horrible world we live in. But this is not one of them.
    You also said you couldn't stand people. I can't neither, but we might have different reasons. Would you mind if I asked why is that?
     
  9. AsphyxiateOnMisery

    AsphyxiateOnMisery Well-Known Member

    I mean, he does want to quit. He's said it multiple times and told me if it happens again, he wants to go to rehab. I even told him "look I'm not going to make you go if you don't want to go because if you don't want to be helped, or don't believe it will help, it probably won't". I used to try to make him go even when he didn't want to because I thought it would be best. But I've realized now that trying to force him into it won't help. So right now I feel like yes he probably does want help (since he suggested rehab on his own), but he hasn't been clean for more than 2 weeks for the past year. Maybe if he was clean for a year or two and I made that offer, he'd say no. But when he had just done it recently and I hand him the money...that's just too difficult of a thing for any addict to do who hasn't had a lot of time clean. So I don't think that this incident means he doesn't want help at all...and I don't know, I take pretty much full responsibility for what happened and what happens in the future as a result.

    As horrible as it may sound though, it did feel...somewhat satisfying that I at least felt like I had some control over the situation by doing it with him. Cause when I don't do it, I'm extremely paranoid when i go to college and hes home alone and has the chance to get high (truthfully he has the chance to every single day, because he can just tell me he works later than he actually does and go get it...but at least that way it's a little more difficult). But yeah, I'm basically worrying all the time, every day, especially when he looks a little too tired or calm. Hes lied to me many many times about this, to the point that I can't trust him at all sometimes. And I'm also sometimes finding random debris around the house that he claims is "old", but who the hell knows. But this whole issue has just become like the focus of our whole relationship and that's why even though I know how horrible of a decision I made, it did feel somewhat good to just "know" what he was doing. To be able to say "don't leave that there (needle, heroin packet, etc.), clean it up", instead of finding it and wondering when he used and when he left it there.

    Yes, it was an escape from reality. But it was also more than that. I always want to escape reality, but I can control myself enough not to get high all the time. But like I said I have BPD and I'm very impulsive, so something happens and it upsets me and I have a fit and want to do something stupid to try to mask my feelings (ie. heroin). That time, what had upset me was the previous night when he told me to leave him alone and stop asking him questions when I tried to talk to him because I felt bad. That really, REALLY hurt my feelings. Also, that same day...earlier in the day....that whole thing about the drug test happened. The stuff I wrote in my original post in this thread. I found it upsetting that i just got dressed and left and he didnt care about where i was going and didn't ask how long I would be or anything. He did text me about an hour after I left and asked where I was, but I was still upset that he didn't try to stop me or figure out what I was doing, or try to come with me. Cause he knew that at the very least I would binge on klonopin, and possibly even hurt myself. So I felt uncared about and bad enough that I wanted heroin. I regretted it almost as soon as I gave him the money, and I even said that I changed my mind and didn't think we should do it, but he said it was too late. And he was right.

    I dont know if I want to "start over" exactly. If I had the chance to live my life over again, I wouldn't. I think it's just a bunch of bullshit and it would still be bullshit no matter what decisions i made throughout my life... And i really do just want it to end. I have the biological instinct of wanting to survive just like everyone else, but logic tells me that this is completely pointless and I truly believe that. A lot of the time I act like its not pointless in front of other people, just to fit in to society while I AM here. But that's all it ever is. Just an act.

    I know plenty about BPD, I've known I had it for the past 3 years and I've read many books about it (both informational and self help) and yeah, like I said, I know a hell of a lot about it and I'm a very self aware person. However, that's all to no avail because I cannot change the things I want to change, no matter how much I know and no matter how much I try.

    I can't stand people because people are the worst thing to ever happen to our planet. We're violent, we love to degrade and bully other people and things, we fight wars, we sometimes kill just for "the fun" of it. Also we value our own species more than any other. We don't care about other species, or the environment, or anything really. People are all selfish, and too "smart" for their own good because they do a lot of shitty things with their intelligence and like I said, humanity is what ruins the entire world. If people didnt exist, it would be a lot easier to appreciate life.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 19, 2012
  10. JillianE

    JillianE Member

    You know, as hard to believe as it might sound, I agree with you when you say those things about people. We have ruined almost everything that was beautiful about this place, and intelligence made us misuse it. We should have done other things. All of us. And I sometimes feel guilty about it, and I wish I could change something. But you need to remember that not everyone's like that. It's true, there are few of us that aren't, but we're here, and that's what's important.
    I understand why you did that. But I also see now that you truly love that guy,and that the reason why you haven't left him by now is love (I really respect that, by the way.) And it seems to me like you wish to help him. So I would say...don't give up.
    Especially now, when he got to understand that he needs help with that. And it is my belief that you, by your efforts, were the one who made him realize that. You gave your best, and you got a good result for all your efforts. And I wouldn't worry about that day, when he told you to leave him alone. At least, he called you later, when he had calmed down. Sometimes, people who care about us avoid us when they're angry, because we usually hurt the ones we love when we're mad for whatever reason. So I think he did that so he didn't lose control of his own emotions and tell you things that you would have had a hard time forgetting. Think about the fact that he actually contacted you. That means he cares. If you're asking me, I think he loves you too, maybe more than he lets you know.
    You say you don't, but this thing you succeeded shows me that you actually have got will. Making a drug addict agree with the idea of help is a HUGE thing to do. Not many people are able to do this.
    What makes you think you can't change anything?
     
  11. AsphyxiateOnMisery

    AsphyxiateOnMisery Well-Known Member

    Because after the last time I posted in this thread, we did drugs again. Crack and heroin. Not by my suggestion, he was the one who wanted to but it doesn't matter. It's not going to ever stop. It's just a cycle that's going to keep happening until I kill myself. He said he would go to rehab by his own choice...and then he did it again, and didn't go to rehab. So he's probably not going to ever go. I'm either going to get dragged down with him and die that way, or I'm going to kill myself. And it's not like my family would give two shits anyway...I'm not the person they want me to be and any contact I ever have with them (if it's at all civil) is just awkward and me pretending I'm fine...so why the hell not?

    I'm not sure if I "love" him or not. I'm not even sure how I define loving somebody at this point. I think it could be that I'm just severely attached and unable to detach because of my BPD. I did feel like I loved him at one point, but after all the drug stuff, deep down, I'm not sure. But on the outside, I still convince myself that I am because I don't want to believe that I'm just some pathetic fuck that can't leave someone no matter how they treat me. I'm sure he loves me...but how much of that has to do with all the stuff I've put up with from him, all the lies? Maybe he just loves me because he thinks other people won't want to deal with the stuff he does, just like I think people wouldn't want to deal with me because of my BPD. He loves me in his own way perhaps. But I'm not sure if he loves me the way I want to be loved.
     
  12. JillianE

    JillianE Member

    Then you'll have to think of a way to get yourself out of that. No more excuses. You have to stay true, at least to yourself if not to others (which I can understand, I almost never share anything with other people, even if they're "close" to me) and find out if you still love him or not. Remember that it is you who has to feel well firstly, not him. Think of how life would be without him (struggle a bit and try to imagine it as positively as you can. I know it may be hard, but please, just try). Try to get rid of the idea that you can't make it without him because of the BPD. Many people with much worse disorders found their way in life, even when they were down and there was no one next to them. My sincere opinion is that every one of us has at least one soulmate in this world. You can call me crazy, but I am a bit spiritual about this (not religious, spiritual). And just think about it! These kind of persons show up exactly when you need them! Well, that's my belief, but it's a good one. It gives people hope. Anyway, there must be someone for you in this world.
    Try to see your life in as many ways as you can. You just try to imagine it in the bad way, and in both versions, you end up dying so young. My advice would be to get that guy to the rehab. Maybe it is not by his own will, but high people hardly have any will. They act like their drug "tells" them to.
    I am not a psychologist, so I have no idea what I should say, I say only what I feel I have to say. You need to talk to someone who would understand you. So I advise you to see a psychologist. They are not shrinks, as I think you know the difference :courage: . But they can help you see the bright side of the things. Please, think of this, as I see that, even if you don't admit it, you're looking for a way out.
     
  13. AsphyxiateOnMisery

    AsphyxiateOnMisery Well-Known Member

    Of course I'm looking for a way out. But not just out of this relationship, out of life. I don't have to imagine what life without him would be like because I already know. I've been apart from him for 6 days when we last had a "separation" due to the drugs. As you can imagine, I was ready to kill myself. More so than ever before. So, I went back...for the mere purpose of trying to save my own life, and to have someone beside me who would actually care if I did die. Also, I've been suicidal for the past 3 years, at least. And he did show up when I needed him. And that time, I actually had all the materials bought and sitting in my closet. He ended up taking them from me and dumping them all out...That was $60 down the drain, literally. So, I hadn't tried to buy anything else for a while, until recently.

    I don't care about how other people found their way in life. Worse disorders, or not. "Worse" is just a matter of opinion anyway, and their lives don't affect mine in any way. If I could help it, I wouldn't imagine my life in a bad way or ways, but that's how I truly feel. I don't have the balls to just send him to the hospital against his will. Not only am I deathly afraid of cops and talking to cops, especially on the phone because I have really bad social anxiety, I wouldn't know if he would even want me while he was there or when he got out or if he would see it as betrayal. And I can't risk any of those things. It's fine that you don't know what to say...no one ever does, so you're not alone. You don't have to feel obligated to keep saying anything just because I'm pathetic and without any options. The only reason I'm responding is because you are. I already have a therapist. As you can guess, she doesn't help much...so I don't tend to go often. Only about once a month on average because I have to in order to keep seeing the psychiatrist at their facility. I don't see how a psychologist isn't a shrink though. If you're talking about the kind that prescribe medicine too, I already have a psychiatrist for that. Only reason I go to him, either, is to get my monthly Klonopin. He's a nice guy...a lot nicer than the other psychiatrists I've had in the past, but he's chosen a terrible field for himself because most psychiatric medications don't work one bit unless they're controlled. That's why I'm studying psychology, not psychiatry, myself. I couldn't possibly give out antidepressants to my patients for a living and call that treatment.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 5, 2012
  14. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I urge you to go to your Mum and tell her what's happening with you and ask for her help again..
    tell her what you want her to do to help ...and make sure she hears you..

    Mums want to help but sometimes don't know where to start...I'm sure she would be devastated to lose you

    You deserve better than you're putting up with from your BF who you cant trust and doesnt' seem to be telling you the truth..
    he has introduced you to drugs and that's not good.
    I hope you can get the help you need hun..

    Are you being totally honest with your T about the drugs, BF. etc so T can help you with these things?
    has your T suggested some CBT, self esteem therapy and maybe an assertiveness course?..
    I'm doing all that currently and it seems to help....I wish they taught it at schools!

    don't give up ok...you are worth more than taking your life for someone else...:hug:
     
  15. AsphyxiateOnMisery

    AsphyxiateOnMisery Well-Known Member

    My mom won't be of any help nor see anything the way i do as long as she keeps seeing my child molesting grandmother and douche of a stepfather as good people.

    As for therapy, I need an affordable DBT therapist that specializes in borderline personalities.
     
  16. JillianE

    JillianE Member

    You don't wanna die.
     
  17. AsphyxiateOnMisery

    AsphyxiateOnMisery Well-Known Member

    I don't want to, but being that the only person I have in this world keeps lying to me I don't exactly feel as though I have another choice.
     
  18. DezziiRoo

    DezziiRoo New Member

    Be happier love<3
     
  19. AsphyxiateOnMisery

    AsphyxiateOnMisery Well-Known Member

    Gee thanks, why hadn't I thought of that before?
     
  20. AsphyxiateOnMisery

    AsphyxiateOnMisery Well-Known Member

    Well I've decided to take some initiative into figuring out if he's been showing up for therapy or not. I called his therapist and left a voicemail. She called me back and said he hasn't shown up to a session since march 13th and that she's been trying to call him but he hasn't called her back. He lied and told me he's been showing up for his sessions. I decided not to flip out though and instead just made him take an at home drug test, which he did end up passing. I can't control what happened in the past so no sense in gettin upset about it, right? From now on, I told him he either needs to call his therapist back and set up an appointment and then bring me back a receipt so that I know he went, or I am going to keep drug testing him myself every week. I am tired of dealing with his lies and so I am going to find out the truth myself from now on by calling her if I suspect he didn't go.

    Now, if this plan somehow ends up failing too and he continues to use, I am going to start seriously considering a way to kill myself, or if somehow possible, get away from this relationship. Unfortunately, the former is more likely than the latter, though. But my psychiatrist whom I saw yesterday recommended for me to go to alanon meetings by myself to help me get away from him if I need to. So I guess I will update you guys on what I decide.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 5, 2012
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